I don't know if I can keep doing this
I feel like issuing an ultimatum. I'm not willing to keep going on with the way things are. I feel like I have all of the obligations of being a mother without any of the privileges. And I can't live like that.
I am okay with playing one of two different roles. I would be ok with just being the girlfriend. I do whatever I want to do, and he parents. He takes full responsibility as a single parent to be fully responsible for everything, and I will support what he says. Fine by me.
I am also ok with taking on a mother role and doing the things I am doing, so long as I have the privileges. I would need equal say in what goes on. I am to be informed of the things that go on in SD6 life just like any person in a mother role would be. If I disagree with something, I get input.
What I am not ok with is what we are doing now. You may not expect me to watch her while you run to the store or to your dads, wash and brush her hair, take her to get her hair cut, do activities with her, treat her like my child....while giving me the privileges of a f****** nanny. That is not okay! Like yesterday when I found out from SD6 that she didn't go to school. I asked him why and he said the previous day at school she got in trouble for having a bad attitude. She was up at 5 am with a nightmare so he didn't go to school so that she didn't have another bad attitude. Seriously???? WTF? That night after her bad attitude they baked together and she had ice cream. That is her punishment? Baking and ice cream and no school? Which even that I could get past if he had been willing to explain it and justify it. But it was none of my business! Really? I got hit with a why are you trying to start something? I wasn't even told she got in trouble or missed school!
This is not ok. I can't live like this. I feel like crying.
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I'm sorry for this. I'd be
I'm sorry for this. I'd be angry and hurt too. What if you just chose for yourself to go back to being 'the girlfriend'? I guess he'd be angry too, if you didn't agree to babysit while he 'just' goes and does something.
Maybe it's about you setting and enforcing boundaries with him, rather than letting him set the tone?
Totally how my DH was when
Totally how my DH was when SD17 lived with us. I swear these are words that came out of his mouth within 2 minutes of each other:
DH: "I don't know why you can't act like a mother to her."
Daizy: "Because I'm not her mother, she has a mother, not my fault she's a shitty mother and I tried to be a "mother" and it only got me grief from EVERYONE!"
TWO MINUTES LATER
Daizy: (picking up a piece of already opened mail laying on the counter) "Why in the world do you have a $700.00 phone bill for SD??" (I refused to put her back on my plan after years of nonsense, so DH got a plan with another carrier just for the special princess)
DH: "It's all taken care of just mind your own business"
I flipped shit on him. I told him right then and there that he couldn't have it both ways. You can't ask me to act like a mother and then tell me to mind my own business about shit going on in MY HOME!?? I told him he couldn't expect me to take her out for pedicures and shopping sprees and go sit at all her games, and poo poo her and help her with her homework while turning a blind eye to her shithole of a room that she's been asked to clean 4000 times, while turning a blind eye to her stealing from me, while turning a blind eye to her failing 4 subjects in school, while turning a blind eye to her treating her father like a piece of shit. Nope. Not going to happen. I told him, either I'm all in or I'm all out. And all out it was.
Sweety, I'm not trying to be mean, but this is not going to change. You are in a no win situation here. Either you do as your BF wants and basically resign yourself to the fact that you are the live in nanny, maid, babysitting service, and you worship SD6 mere existence OR you stand your ground, stand up for yourself and disengage from all things SD6 and then you'll be the wicked step mother who doesn't care about SD, who just hates SD, who's just jealous of SD and all the other happy horse shit these Disney Dads spew out of their dumb ass mouths.
This is my fear. That I am
This is my fear. That I am fighting a losing battle, dammed if I do, damned if I don't. I just want to be happy. I want a normal life. I think maybe step life is where happiness goes to die.
I think maybe step life is
I think maybe step life is where happiness goes to die.
this is perhaps one of the most spot on statements I have ever heard. (unfortunately)
I only survived (to date) because my SD17 moved out in January. If SD was under the age of 10 and I had to look at the prospect of YEARSSSSS of dealing with this, I would have checked out for sure.
Sorry you are sad and frustrated
Been there, done that. Wish
Been there, done that. Wish you all the luck, because with me, it never got any better.
It took quite a while to get
It took quite a while to get DH to realize that he was creating a monster by doing the same thing with SD6. All of the 'She's only 4, she's only 5, she's only 6' excuses. I still struggle with the lack of discipline but he's gotten somewhat better on backing me up. Your boyfriend needs to understand that if he doesn't back you when it comes to rules than his daughter won't respect what you say to her, rules you lay out etc.
He's laying the groundwork for her to continue to misbehave and as acceptable and cute as these dad's think it is at six, they're going to be saying WTF when they're still acting that way at 13,14,15 only it'll be worse. You're definitely right in drawing the line now. I wish I had something helpful to say other than I can sympathize.
I met my DH when his girls
I met my DH when his girls were 4 and 7, I tolerated some of the stuff because they were younger. Ugh now they are 9 and stb12, his 12 year old is a hot mess. This girl cries to get her way, slams doors, goes to school and buys a ticket to a dance without the ok of either parent.
I can tell you 100%, you will be sitting where I am now unless he gets his head out of his ass. I do NOT parent my SDs, if they are doing something to get hurt I intervene. I MAKE (sounds harsh) DH do it.
I will say "DH do you see SD12 is storming through the house again?" "hello, do you not get upset if my D10 does it"
Then he doesn't like it but he has to address it. I know it's not the nice way of doing things, I tried all the nice ways, I am done with NICE.
Just call me "EEEEEEEEEEEEVILLLLL" LOL
Seriously he's going to continue doing what he's doing now until he wants to change.
I also disengaged because my
I also disengaged because my H felt I should have the responsibility but not the authority of parenting.
I stopped. I just stopped doing anything for H's kid. Large or small. They were on their own when it came to her wants and needs. She would come to me, I'd send her to her father. He would come to me, I would tell him good luck. Not my kid, not my problem.
It was my house, I paid for half of everything and when she crossed the line when it came to me, my pets or my things....I cut them both off at the knees. Otherwise, I didn't life a finger. No rides, no gifts, no cards, no time, no help, no advice....no nothing.
When you get to this point, you have to decide what's more important. Your health, happiness and sanity or theirs??
Choose yourself.
... responsibility with no
... responsibility with no authority... A recipe for disaster in any situation.
Hugs to you.
DH: "I don't know why you
DH: "I don't know why you can't act like a mother to her."
Daizy: "Because I'm not her mother, she has a mother, not my fault she's a shitty mother and I tried to be a "mother" and it only got me grief from EVERYONE!"
^^^^^^ That was me.
I disengaged the EFF out of this time zone a long time ago.
My giveafuck was broken beyond repair.