Again with the cell phone..
As some of you may remember, this is a touchy subject with me. After BM very blatantly and RUDELY made it clear to me (not DH) that the cell phone we provided for SD was to never go near her house basically, has had SD call to request it again.
Yes, we were out playing pool with BIL and SIL last night, and BM calls. DH answered and it was SD. She "needed the phone tomorrow." I don't have a problem with her having it because that's why we bought it, but I can't help but get frustrated at BM's double standard "rules".
BM MUST have control, and I guess she likes using the phone as something conditional. It wasn't specified that it was for "school" this time.
A friend borrowed my truck so I took DH to work this morning. He was driving so he dropped the phone off at BM's on the way there. I remained silent because I didn't want him to see this get a rise out of me.... So I decided to come here instead.
This is not about SD having her phone. My irritation comes from BM thinking she can bend HER rules and knows everyone will bend over backwards for her because "it's for SD" and DH will never refuse that. I know this post is pointless but it's not worth venting in real life. Sigh. At least SD should be over this evening.
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I would ask DH to send the
I would ask DH to send the phone with sd every time she leaves, but give it to bm. She can decide when or if to give it to SD, but no more running the phone around last minute. That is absurd and would tick me off.
Of course it's not a big deal
Of course it's not a big deal to him because they live 5 minutes away. However, this is just another thing that BM gets to lord over because everyone thinks she has so much power. I know this makes me sound insecure. But why can she treat us all like crap for almost a decade then "apologize" and we are all supposed to forget how she screwed all of us for so long?
She threatens to take 50/50 away (not COed) when she gets mad at us or SD, but when she's in her manic high, it's all rainbows and fuxking butterflies? It's freaking exhausting and I avoid her as much as possible but this crap gets under my skin.
we were out playing pool with
For all your DH knew, it was BM calling, not SD. He didn’t know it was actually SD until he answered, correct?
So, per usual, why in the world is your DH taking BM’s calls? I thought you two ironed-out some issues, and he was only going to accept/answer “emergency only” communication?
You clearly know, because you’ve stated numerously, that BM wants, no NEEDS, to insert herself in your lives. I would be LIVID if my DH gave BM the amount of airtime your DH gives SD’s mom.
Your DH **really** needs to nip this in the bud, once and for all. If she’s going to makes threats, perhaps he should call her bluff on them?
You're right, it could've
You're right, it could've been BM but they haven't actually talked in awhile except for when SD wants to come over for our week, even then, it's SD who calls from BM's phone, so I'm sure he assumed it was SD. I have no idea who he thought it was for sure, though.
He didn't agree to only talk to her in emergency situations. He is too far up her ass because she's giving him over 50% when she doesn't need to but it makes her life easier. And BM would never make threats to him. She only puffs her chest to SD. I guess to "control" her attitide in her home.
But, you state above that
But, you state above that “she threatens to take 50/50 away”. That’s a threat. Maybe an empty one, but an exhausting and all consuming one, wouldn’t you say?
Still, I feel your DH gives her too much airtime. And it would definitely make his life (and yours) a lot easier and smoother if he just sucked up his pride and went for strict 50/50. You’re basically saying that because she (currently) allows him more than 50% time, in turn making her life “easier” is a win-win.
But, is it?
Sorry, to clarify, she only
Sorry, to clarify, she only threatens SD with taking 50/50 away. SD says when she has a rotten attitude over there is when BM says that. I'm sure BM assumes that our home is the problem when, in fact, she made SD into the lazy brat that she has become.
I agree that he needs to keep the same schedule every single week, but he says he'll never go back to court with the way he was treated going in 4 years ago. Not even with a lawyer. It is incredibly frustrating that he still pays almost $450 in CS to still have SD 50%+ out if the month. I am slowly imploding at his weakness toward BM.
I personally wouldn’t buy
I personally wouldn’t buy that “excuse” from my DH. I just wouldn’t. It would be very telling to me that my DH was comfortable with the way his ex treats him.
And that’s horribly abusive for BM to involve her own child in adult matters by throwing that threat around. A threat against her other parent, that she loves. How awful.
Oh this has been going on for
Oh this has been going on for 8 years. BM cried to the court when we explained to SD that the court ordered X amount of time with dad and that is all that BM was obligated to give him. She said that we were not to discuss the proceedings with SD even though the mediator told DH that it is ok to be honest with SD. BUT, when the shoe is on the other foot, BM can say whatever the hell she wants. This has been my life for almost a decade.
When it comes to BM, I have never been so frustrated with him. It's to the point that we hardly discuss custody matters because it gets so heated and we get angry with each other. He does bow down to BM, and some days, I don't want to be near him because of the crap he lets her put him through. Like I said, I didn't say a word about him dropping the phone off to SD because I knew it would've been a fight. We aren't against SD having a phone being that we provided it, but I am against bending over backwards to get it to SD when she "needs" it at BM's as BM made it CRYSTAL CLEAR to me that she did NOT agree to SD having the phone and that it was to remain at OUR HOUSE ONLY. DH doesn't care as long as SD is happy. Then I come off as crazy for wanting boundaries.
This is a perfect example
This is a perfect example while y’all need to go to court. Phone communication guidelines need to be created and enforced.
BM shouldn’t be allowed to keep DH from communicating with SD (makes sense why BM doesn’t want the cellphone in her home), and BM cannot blow-up DH’s phone and/or SD’s cellphone while she is at dad’s house.
You guys are making this way more complicated than it needs to be.
It's not me, believe me when
It's not me, believe me when I say that. However, BM being the victim/ control freak she is, would probably back pedal so fast if he took her to court to keep her CS and CP title. DH has had SD more than 50% since mid-March and that would deem him CP.
He said that when BM "brings it up" he'll tell her to file in court to give him 50% physical and eliminate CS and he'll agree to that, but will that really happen? My bet is a big fat N-O.
ETA: their current CO says his phone time with SD is 7-7:30pm. Does BM always answer and make sure the call is returned? No. I stopped documenting it years ago because the court didn't care. Also, yes, the phone is not allowed at her home exclusively because that means SD would have the freedom to call her dad and BM will not stand for that.
Of course BM can bend the
Of course BM can bend the rules, because your DH lets her. You have as much as BM problem as you do a DH problem.
He could have easily not answered the phone and waited to listen to the voicemail or read a text message. At that point, he could decide if he wanted to call back or not.
He could have NOT taken the phone. Like, the easiest, simplest solution was to NOT do it.
He could have told SD NO.
Seriously, your DH likes being the hero to SD and showing her that he is better than BM. Or he wants to throw the past decade behind him in order to make parenting (and I use that term loosely) his daughter easier.
Ultimately, YOU need to disengage. You don't agree with what your DH is doing, but what he is choosing to do has zero impact on you or your life. The only person annoyed or upset by this is YOU. And the person not impacted by this is YOU.
BM may be psychotic, but your DH parents out of laziness and guilt. Your SD rules two roosts. None of this should surprise you, and there is nothing you can do about it.
That's why I come here.
That's why I come here. Because it's irrational and provokes an argument between us when I bring it up. He doesn't have a problem that SD uses the phone at BM's because the phone was given to SD. What I do have a problem with is BM being a b!tch to me about it then DH acting like nothing happened because she didn't tell HIM that she has a problem with it. I am hurt that he just wants me to drop it. She "apologized" and just wants to co-parent. Cry me a fuxking river. She wouldn't have to apologize if she'd been a decent person this whole time, and even then, I told him to not dare to trust that vile woman.
To be brutally honest here, your DH has always appeared, with what you share here, to take the machismo approach to all of this. Juggling a high-conflict GUBM (with a diagnosed personality disorder, is it?) and a wife. A wife he’s lucky enough to have that is emotionally and physically invested in his bio. He is basically telling you this is just the way things are, and are going to be, indefinitely. That he is okay with the discourse his ex causes and that ripples into YOUR home. He could put a stop to it - if he really wanted to, and wanted to try and live his best and happiest life with you, his wife, but that’s not what he’s “telling” you. I just don’t understand how you are happy living like this.
You hit that nail right on
You hit that nail right on the head. I am happy most days when SD isn't brought up. Like I said, there is almost always a fight when she or BM enters the convo. I even told him the other day that being a SP is no fun because you put a lot of effort into it but receive no thank yous or praise. Your kindness is just expected because you love your partner.
He is ok with being BM's b!tch because he gets his kid a lot more. But for what price? To be in debt to her for over $400/ month and be under her thumb and subject of her potentially retracting their verbal agreement? I only have ST anymore because my mom and real life friends are tired if my senseless griping/ venting, I'm sure.
Husband likes playing with BM
Your husband is very happy to jump through hoops for BM. You agree on, No phone calls except for emergency but he answered his phone when you were out. Needing a phone is not emergency and your husband should of ended the phone call when he heard it was about a phone. He should not of dropped off the phone because of the way it done. Non emergency phone call.
You are never going to win on this. He yes you to death and does hat he wants. Next time the phone call will be about something else. You have to put him in his place or this will never end, not at 18 yo or 21 yo or ever
I didn't want a fight so I
I didn't want a fight so I left it. Yes, I would've been called petty and told that it is SD's phone and she can use it when she wants. Well, yes, it's her phone, but I told DH that BM made it clear to ME that the phone was off limits at her house. DH chooses to ignore her disrespect toward me because she never said anything to HIM and his witto pwincess SD must be kept happy. THAT is the only reason I am bothered and venting.
A few things to think about....
Dads court order states he has telephone exchange with his daughter 7-730pm. Fact
BM has made it clear she does NOT want dads cell in her home. Exclusively,,,, FACT (her right, her home, her decision)
MOM is required to provide a reasonable means of communication for court order to be complied with. FACT
DAD offered solution at his cost. MOM said no. It's not a bad thing to say no. Saying no to cell phones is not only about control, it can be about keeping the teen out of dumb teen junk. KWM?
Soooo, time for new game plan.???
Dad should NOT hand over the phone when sd is not in his care. DH is opening himself up to a plethora of problems about the cell HE gave to sd. BM said no. Besides, HE is not monitoring the device under his custody. Imagine the mess IF IF IF sd did something like so many teens do. I am not saying she is a bad kid. BM will run your rear into court, dad could loose the 50 50 IF the Judge sides with BM when she reports SEE your Honor i knew this would happened I said NO, but he blah blah blahhhh. Boo hooo hooooo. I can tell you if a parent tells a Judge NO about xyz thing being inside 'their' home the Judge appears to side with that parent about THAT "no" thing.
DH can un-ring the bell easy by telling his daughter.. I have decided WE must respect your mothers wishes about the cell.
This way he/you will protect yourself from possible back lash and bm cant yank your chain on a whem when she wants her daughter to have USE of your phone. It is super easy to fix this. IF mom wants her to have a cell when she is with her, so be it. MOM can buy it, pay for it POOF all better now. Sure beats bm calling and seeing how fast DH will run and how HIGH he will jump.
Just a few things to think about.
End result is now the onus is back on BM for making sure SHE follows the court order by making sure calls are answered in a reasonable time frame. IF she refuses to follow the CO....contempt charge for each infraction.
I like what you are saying
I like what you are saying but I have told him this. He thinks he's making BM look bad by going back on her word. Well, BM told ME that she detests the phone and never told HIM a damn thing. That is why I refuse to do BM any favors for the rest of my days.
He has said that she ignores calls and texts with proof in court but they just gave her a "slap on the wrist" which I doubt was even a stern talking to. The courts just don't care about stuff like that and expect BM to do what she's supposed to. WRONG!
Also, she has been nice to him when they talk because she's "so sorry" for the past and needs him to get SD out of her hair while she raises her younger son. I've said this before, but I think she'd take DH back in a heartbeat if he wanted her. Her home life with baby daddy is less than Disney, and I'm sure she wishes she didn't cheat and screw up her relationship with DH.
I like what Beebel said and think that the phone should go with SD to BM's EOW and BM can decide if/ when SD can use it then NO MORE running around the day-of to make sure SD is happy. She doesn't live far, but BM needs to make up her damn mind and stick to it! She wonders why SD is a spoiled brat- no solid rules or boundaries her whole life is the easy answer.
SO MANY valid points to what
SO MANY valid points to what Goodluck made. I’d heed the advice. BM doesn’t want the cellphone in SD’s possession? So be it! This works out in your and DH’s favor really.
He should have told her no.
He should have told her no. It seems petty but it’s stopping the pattern. BM is pushing to see if he will jump and for now, he is, so it’s not going to stop. I would just tell the skid before heading off to BM’s to take the phone if she thinks she will need it. If she decides to leave it but needs it then she’ll just have to make due without until she gets back. I have a good feeling skid is probably disrupting BM enough that BM wants the phone as a babysitter or to use it to spy through her accounts. Either way be prepared.
As I said, it is only BM's
As I said, it is only BM's "rule" that SD can't have the phone at her house. But she already broke that "rule" twice in the 2 months SD's had the phone. So at this rate, she makes an exception once a month and expects us to accommodate.
DH will never tell SD no because a) BM only told me that she didn't want the phone there, not him, so in his warped mind, her statement to me doesn't pertain to him and b) I will never be called about the phone again because I ignored BM's request to pick up the phone after she rudely flat out told me the week before the first incident that she was NOT happy about the phone and that it will NOT be used anywhere but our house.
To clarify, we do not have an issue with SD using the phone at BM's. DH has no issues at all. MY issue is her blatant, rude statement that the phone is NOT for her home and DH just wants me to get over it. MY issue is her teaching her daughter that "rules" are meant to be broken and/or have exceptions. MY issue is her "my sh!t don't stink" attitude, walking around like she's The Queen of Sheba or f#%!&ng royalty and we should all bow to her. I despise this woman with a fiery, intense, burning passion, and I'll be DAMNED if I ever let her speak to me like that again. That's why I was pissed last week when SD wasn't ready when BM got here to pick her up. I was on an important call and made BM wait on the front porch for her irresponsible daughter. I was not about to invite that wench into my home.
Rants aside, I can be upset at how she treated me all I want, but DH already forgot about it and all that matters is "the best interest of the child", if you will.