Am I being tested? Disengagement, that is..
I know you all must think I'm making all of this stuff up but the BM/ SD drama has been real this summer. I am finally working on disengaging, if you can even call it that, and every darn week it's been something! Especially by the time baby comes in January, I want to be totally hands off with all of the drama.
I feel like I am really being tested and because I'm so caring and have been so involved with SD, I'm getting a lot of flack. Is someone up above watching me and trying to mess with me? My stupid "smart" phone won't let me block BM so if she does try to contact me in the future, I'll just delete and ignore as if I did block her. SD knows that I was not happy with her the last time we spoke so I'm sure she is standing behind BM now saying what a mean 'ol SM I am. Tough luck, kid.
I care for SD, sure, and I want her to be a successful adult, sure- BUT the back-talking DH will stop and when he goes back to court, I'm going to suggest the "no alienation" clause as someone here suggested because obviously BM is giving SD information that does not concern her as a child.
I sure do love DH and he's THRILLED that being a father to our baby won't be like his experience with SD (he was invited to the hospital but was the last one "allowed" to hold SD after her birth. BM didn't allow him to be in the delivery room then proceeded to stay at GBM's for 2 weeks so he couldn't bond with SD). I truly believe he will be a great dad to our daughter and I also believe that he needs to work on bonding with SD more, especially before baby comes.
I can't wait to have a full-time job to take my mind off of these bollocks. As soon as I get BM and SD out of my head, yet ANOTHER negative experience pops up and then I am annoyed all day. I need to learn to not give them so much head space.
- I love dogs's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
You're just starting to
You're just starting to disengage so its going to get a bit tough before it becomes easier. Remember there is going to be an adjustment period for you to figure out how best to detach so be patient with yourself. Whenever you have a negative experience that comes up, counter it with something positive like your new bundle of joy on the way. Think of how you will decorate the babys room and do things to take care of you.
Don't give SD and BM any mental space. Your H will have to deal with the situation and hopefully will find a healthy balance that works for everyone.
I honestly don't want to be
I honestly don't want to be involved in the crap or be a middle man anymore. Yes, I want the best for SD but I'm not her mother and will never be treated as such. When I told DH that I am done with the drama and I don't want my daughter around it, he said "well SD is your daughter, too".... Great.
Your words really did make me feel better and I will keep reading your response until it sinks in. How much more drama can happen in 5 years? Wait, I don't think I want to know..
Well what H has to understand
Well what H has to understand is that technically SD is not your daughter. Also, nothing will change until your H sets down some boundaries. Once he's on his own dealing with her drama hopefully he'll see for himself all the BS that he's blinded to now. Focus on your baby and let him parent SD. You need to do this for your own sanity and your well being comes first.
From what I've experienced (to eachs own) it doesn't matter how good you are to most step daughters, most have loyalty blinds to their mother and you can never do right in their eyes. So in order to stop feeling hurt, disrespected, and rejected I just disengaged and I feel a weight has been lifted because of it.....
You will too!
Exactly. It's easy for him to
Exactly. It's easy for him to tell me to "be nice" to BM when she messages me after treating him like human garbage. That was also after he said "Wow, what a dumb b!tch".... He said he doesn't want SD any less than he has now but the truth is BM is still in control of that because the CO is sh!t. I almost don't want him to even consult with the attorney and waste time in court because I feel like it'll be just that- a waste. I know I should be optimistic but BM has always won in court and I don't want to hear him cry about it if/ when it doesn't go his way. I want him to have a relationship with his kid but he even said that his relationship with SD is "being sabotaged (by BM)" yada yada.
And I think you're SO right about SDs being loyal to BM. Lately, most comments or advice I direct toward SD, her response is "BM said that" or "BM doesn't think so". Some days it makes my head want to explode but she's still "just a kid" and a product of her environment. SD's comments about BM are irrelevant anyway so I just ignore/ move on.