How does your DH feel about introducing the baby to BM?  I get that you are feeling very protective right now.  That is natural.  But I suggest that you not make it a huge bone of contention that gets everyone's blood up.  At some point she will see and speak to your child.  It is going to happen.  Not tomorrow but eventually.  

Personally, I would NOT make specific plans for her to visit in your home. Sooner or later she may see the baby. Maybe as you drive OFF and she runs down the sidewalk?

I would however send a Thank You note.

My dh never ever wanted BM to be near our babies we made.

I just don't understand why bm and gbm are so freaking in to wanting to meet your baby?

Maybe because they don't want dh to " have something exclusive" with sd? If they meet baby then they are "in on it too"?

So odd.

Mom instincts when you have a baby are really strong and arent always logical. Its something people dont really get or understand until they experience it themselves. I have a very strong get the *#$@ away from my baby reaction with some people as well. My experience has been that it fades slowly as the kid gets older, but the crazy hormones and changes in your brain that go along with giving birth and caring for a newborn can be pretty intense. I still feel protective of my older son of course, but it's way different than it is with a baby. 

Also we had BM give us a Christmas gift out of nowhere for the baby. Her and DH practice parallel parenting so our households are pretty separate and when I've run into with the baby she stares at the ground to avoid even looking at him so we were both wondering what the motive was. Turns out it had something to do with her fiance's ex that he has a kid with and her being competitive or angry or something stupid involving her and the amount that the fiance's ex is involved in their life. Neither DH or I really want her involved with our other kids so we just said nothing to her about it.

My boyfriend's BM did the same thing, only she gave me some things she had saved from when her kids were babies. She gave me books, bows, a blanket, a boppy, and her parents gifted me a couple onesies and a little singing giraffe bear. It was very thoughtful and nice of them and I just sent over a thank you card. I don't want or expect to become friends with BM (BF would NEVER allow that even if I did want it lol) but I definitely want to keep things amicable because there will be times in the future when we'll have to interact and I'd rather things not be awkward and tense. We've chatted briefly on Facebook in the past too and she gave me her number so if I ever needed to contact her about her kids or something I can do that (I can't see myself ever needing to reach out to her but you never know). She's seen my baby a couple of times too and I do get a little protective but I know I need to get used to her presence because she will be around my child at times, but her daughter loves her baby sister so she'd be smart to not do anything to try to ruin their bond.

I think you're right in not allowing BM to just drop in and see the baby whenever she feels like it, but people just love babies. Like I seriously never realized how obsessed people can be about babies until I had one (I never used to obsess over other people's babies), so they just want to see an adorable little baby. I'd definitely try to be amicable though because I'm assuming she will be around your child on occasion.

Is there any reason you're so set on avoiding an amicable relationship? I'm sorry, I don't fully follow your story, but this sounds nice. BM and her mom also gave us a gift when our son was born. BM's mom especially shows interest - she's gotten him an aquarium for his crib, a couple outfits, and a book. Every holiday, she gets him something. It freaks me out that she signs it "from grandma" but whatever, it's a sweet effort. 

They've both met my son who is now 15 months. BM doesn't show much interest but BM's mom has been holding him every time she sees him since he was newborn. She picks him up and snuggles him and it's kind of sweet. 

I could totally see BM doing that if DH and I had a baby to try to show what a nice person she was. However, she is an absolute beast. She is high conflict and a GUBM, so I'd be having none of it and I wouldn't trust her around my child. 

She once sent me a bracelet that she and SS made. SS brought it and told me he made it himself. I said, "oh, how nice! Thank you very much! Red is my favorite color." I then put it on and wore it the entire visitation weekend. It was not a great bracelet, but I figured I'd show SS that I liked the bracelet he said he made for me. After the visitation weekend, BM sent DH a text message about how she thought it was rude that I didn't thank her for the bracelet. This is the same BM who accused me (via email in front of DH's entire family) of trying to take SSs away from her and / or move next to her so DH could stop paying child support. I'm not interested in playing her stupid little games, so I've cut her off. 

If DH and I did have a child and she tried to nose around, I would shut that down. She once cried "I don't even want you coming to my house!" when DH wanted to pick the kids up because he wanted to go to the science fair with them. DH has never even tried to go into her home once. He just sits outside in the car and waits for the kids to come out, so it's not as if she could justify feeling as if he was going to confront her. He didn't even try to go into their house to get his things after she kicked him out and told him she'd call the police if he tried to come in the house (his name was still on the lease, so she would have had no case, but I guess he was so conflict avoidant that he never tried, not even to get his things). So, if she ever tried to darken my doorstep, I would give her a what for. 

First if all, ILD, I can’t remember if I’ve congratulated you, yet. Mazel tov! I am overjoyed that you and new baby are healthy and home. 

Secondly, since you are inviting any unrelated jerk to come breathe on your little bundle of joy, I will happily send you some 7-11 sized packs of diapers in exchange for an appointment slot. When can I come by? 

Just kidding, your DH and BM are absolutely stupid for thinking something like that is acceptable in any universe.

my sister's mother but it did happen. At my niece's graduation (my sister has kids who are slightly younger than I am and the same age as our brothers). And then again at other graduations, weddings, etc and my son actually spent time with her when my sister babysat for me. And my dad hated this woman. He never let that influence any relationship he had with my sister or that she had with us though. You don't have to set up a meeting but being obviously confrontational about it is also not helping matters. 

I understand you are upset about the CPS thing but you also refuse to have your husband own up to his part of that. The therapist was legally obligated to report the incident and your husband was drinking and did behave horribly. Not abusively, buy in a scary drunken manner. Your need to blame the therapist and the mom for what your husband did is too much. Have a talk with him and tell him to quit drinking. 

Chances are BM will meet your child at some point. A school event where SD drags her mom over to see her baby sister who she is proud to have. Or if your DD is the flower girl at SD's wedding. Somewhere, sometime. 

As far as the Asian comment, let it go. For 23 years we have joked that my son was Asian at birth. I am a tall blond and my ex husband is Cuban. Our son now looks like me with dark hair but at birth he looked Asian. It's not meant as a dig and the grandma sounds like a sweet woman who adores your husband. 

DD7 also looked a bit Asian when she was born. She had thick black hair and DH’s cat eyes. I joked about it because she’s mine, I made that. However, I would have been offended to the core if anyone made comments that were less than the highest compliment to my tiny, perfect girl.

BM ended up meeting the baby at SD’s bday party (BM very kindly invited BS to play laser tag). I allowed some limited cooing but didn’t allow BM to touch or watch the baby to give me a break. For SD’s sake, DD is allowed to hang out near BM but chit chat between the two is kept to a minimum by myself and DH. Honestly, if BM had worked harder at the marriage, DD could have been hers. Since I’m doing the work, staying faithful to our vows, putting up with his dang dogs that she wouldn’t let him have..well, then the privilege of interaction with the kid is all mine, too.

It’s just diapers and wipes. Use them, because at some point you will need them, and don’t think about where they came from. 

I know this is hard. BM sent my BS a gift for Xmas. Maybe it was a nice gesture. It was a rubber band gun that her boys both had, too. She knows I don't like toy guns. Even if it WASN'T a nice gesture it was at least a funny gesture - because I sent a crap-ton of nerf guns up to her house and a kazoo. 

Your life will be so much easier if you assume the best and prepare for the worst. 

Right now you have the perfect excuse to keep BM away - you're tired, etc etc. BM has seen and speaks to my son - it happens on drop-offs and events etc.  I mean BM would be the last person I'd want to see right now and you have no reason to invite her into your presence and she has no reason to expect that you would. But I can see why she'd want to see the baby. It's her daughter's sister. At some point, she will probably see the baby while she is still a baby and it won't be a big deal but it sure doesn't need to be this week. 

If a SM was being a pushy weirdo about meeting BM's new baby, people would be picking out her straight jacket. 

SD passively aggressively implied that the OP had a child with a man (not her husband) of another race by saying the baby looked Asian. In other words she said her SM was a cheating whore.   Who wouldn’t find that offensive?

Can’t believe some people think it’s racist to be offended to be accused of having a child with a man not her husband?   That logic is insane.