Dads getting beat down in court
Did this happen to your husband? Was it because of lack of legal assistance? DH and I started talking last night and I told him that we owe it to SD to fight for her, even if we only see her for 1 more hour. She's begged us for over 4 years for just EQUAL time. She doesn't even care to live with us full time right now. She just needs her dad.
One poster said that since SD has turned into a preteen and the CO hasn't been updated since 2013 that that may be considered a change of circumstance. I'm not sure. SD hasn't gone to counseling yet so maybe just see what happens there?
DH knows BM would fight in court because MOTYs have skids as much as possible to keep them away from dad! Erm, I mean..
So DH said he doesn't want to modify because a) BM will absolutely refuse more time even though he's the better parent and parents better and b) according to DH, the court asked him what he wanted, then asked BM what she wanted. Then he says they gave her basically everything she wanted and treated him like a POS because vagina and she's the CP.
We have SD EOWE plus lots of extra time that BM allows. Even GBM told DH that SD is so much happier at our house. Thoughts?
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If BM is already allowing
If BM is already allowing lots of extra time voluntarily, what is the driver for going to court?
If your BM is willing to give
If your BM is willing to give extra time, I would let that sleeping dog lie. Fighting for a kid in court (like you're describing) doesn't help them. It ratchets up the conflict between the parents, which has a bad effect on the kids. Sure, the net result could make it all worth it, but it's definitely not a for sure. And then you have to wonder if the means justify the ends.
Frankly, I sympathize with your situation. My SD would like to not live with her mother. Since the divorce she has talked about wanting 50-50 with each parent. We decided to fight the fight for her. But when we were in court, BM convinced her to tell the GAL that she wants to stay with BM. SD tried to backtrack with the GAL, but it was too late. SD now understands that it was her screw up that made it so that she's with BM so much, and she'll have to take it up with BM if she wants anything different--and that it's unlikely her BM will agree to anything different because she's a narcissistic whore. (SD is in therapy, so we've also suggested she speak with her therapist about it, but I'm seriously skeptical about the therapist.) There is no doubt but that she's happier and healthier when she's with us, but our BM sticks 100% to the CO, which is her right, of course.
Has your SD spoken with her mom about wanting additional time with her dad? Would BM be willing to hear her?
BM allowed DH to have the
BM allowed DH to have the girls full time provided that he continue to pay her CS.
If going to court is meant to try to officially reduce her time to reduce CS.. expect her to fight back.
If the intent is to try to have SD more then perhaps BM would be willing to do that if he continues her pmts.
Ugh, this makes me want to
Ugh, this makes me want to punch someone in the head. Seriously. So basically BM is pimping her kids out to their father? A father shouldn't have to rent his kids and I don't think I could personally handle my DH continuing to pay a BM CS for a kid that wasn't living with her. WTH? How is this even a thing?
It is sometimes called
It is sometimes called "reverse ransom." It's more like "pay to play."
He shouldn't have had to...
He shouldn't have had to... but he had fairly reasonable CS obligations so it wasn't killing him to make the pmt financially and in the end, he put his kids' happiness and wellbeing above the money.
I was ok with it because for the most part, the kids themselves were not causing the problems..
Going to court would have cost us more than paying the CS pmts I imagine. BM would have fought things and I'm sure we somehow would have ended up with higher CS and paying HER lawyer.. no sense in risking that was the thought.
^This, we've had them for
^This, we've had them for seven months, because of that, that's a main reason why our lawyer thinks the court will side with us (also the drugs and living with four men... But you know. LMAO) We've had them long enough, that it's easier to changed it officially. It sucks. But if it hadn't been for the amount of time we were basically told BM might have still had the upper hand, even with the drugs.
I Guess it depends on your
I Guess it depends on your financial situation?
I'm assuming you are paying BM CS and then taking SD all kinds of extra time.. so this is a great gig for BM! Do you have documentation that she is being a jerk and denying you time with SD, that her household is creating stress for SD etc? Would GBM actually tell the court what she told you about SD being so much happier at your place?
I think if SD is in that 10-13 range, that a judge would give some consideration to her wishes... but I guess it all depends on the judge you get. Is BM objecting to more time because she doesn't want CS to be lowered or because she just wants to be a prick or all of the above? Or is she objecting because she truly loves spending time with SD? Like our BS8 is my little buddy, I LOVE spending time with him and miss him terribly when he goes to a friend's house or even goes to run errands with DH. Is this your BM or no?
Yep if the court (and BM)
Yep if the court (and BM) think you're trying to get more time to reduce CS, that is FROWNED upon big time. What does your CO say about taxes and dependents? If it is anything like the horrible MOU that Chef signed with a mediator (who told him he'd better get a lawyer because it was drawn up by the Gir's attorney--of course he didn't listen), then it could be revised as far as the tax angle goes. Chef was "allowed" to claim 1 out of the 3 (of course the oldest so he would age out faster as far as dependent status). Should have been rotated 2/1/2/1 etc.
There is definitely bias against dads in court. When Chef went for the hearing earlier this week, the Girhippo simply slipped a letter saying she didn't intend to appear for it the Friday before.
Had Chef done, that they would have had a warrant out for his arrest! At the very least the Gir would have won by default.
Here the Gir was a no show, yet the magistrate was yelling at Chef to submit info he had already submitted and Chef, (rightfully) said "I need to consult my attorney" over and over which was angering the magistrate. There was no default winning for Chef.
I knew it would be a mistake for Chef to go it alone without his counsel--his attorney seemed to think it would go smoothly without him. . . NOT!!
I told him that we owe it to
I told him that we owe it to SD to fight for her, even if we only see her for 1 more hour.
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Im so confused. You want to go to court to fight for more time right? Why? SD already told you she did not want to live with you. And according to some of your blogs, you don’t really want to be around her too much either. Do you have an extra thousands sitting around to take this to court?
And FYI – SS was about 12 the first time he requested therapy. His request usually came when he was in trouble over something stupid he had done. And another FYI – SS used to tell us the same kind of crap about his BM but it was all bull$hit. He did usually when he was mad at BM for actually being a parent. OR when he just wanted that EXTRA attention from DH.
I would take all of it with a grain of salt. I would bet money she probably tells BM some crazy stories about you, your DH and your house.
IMHO…I would totally back off of this. It will cause more trouble than it is worth.