DH to "tell" BM what it is
Yesterday while we were cooking breakfast after the gym, DH mentioned that at pick-up for his week this past Saturday, BM was literally crying to him about SD's behavior at her house and being mean to her son with the boyfriend. The waterworks is BM's MO and DH said every court visit, she turned them on and got her way. In our state, even if she hadn't, I'm sure she'd have still gotten her way.
Anyway, he basically said he refuses to go back to court and that next time BM says she still can't handle SD only 50% of the time, he's going to "tell" her that she needs to hand over custody and he will assume all of SD's extras if she stops CS and gives him sole custody. I've been trying to keep my mouth shut but I couldn't this time! I pretty much laughed in his face and said that'll go over like a lead balloon! He insists that it'll get bad enough at BM's home that she will just surrender custody and that BM's house is a "home of 12 year olds" as in, BM and SF feed into SD's arguments and stoop to her level. Yeah, no.... Also, I assume they'd have to go to court anyway to agree to those terms, but again, I doubt very seriously that BM will give up custody on paper. Oh, conversations in Stepland..
On the plus side, DH is cooking this week while I'm working evenings! Delicious ribs last night and penne spaghetti tonight so SD has leftovers to take to school for lunch and for the two of us also. I don't mind doing dishes if he plans meals/ leftovers for the 3 of us!
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Was she looking to him to try
Was she looking to him to try to talk with SD about things? To be honest, when we heard that the girls were not doing right at their mother's place, my DH had no problem backing his EX up with regards to things and telling the girls that they needed to do better. I mean, we knew how they kept their room at our house... so tales of messy rooms etc.. were not a surprise. When the girls complained about arguments with mom.. our response was. "Her and BF's house.. their rules. It's respectful to take care of your room and the belongings that other people buy you. They shouldn't be back talking their mom when she gets on them about their room..etc.."
I have no idea
BM has never parented SD until she was about 10 or so and I think that a lot of the recent issues come from SF's expectations. DH backs BM up, but he also knows that BM is just a horrible parent and horrible person in general. SD knows not to talk back to DH and says that BM and SF are "rude" to her, wheras DH and I treat her with respect, but do have expectations for our home that are non-negotiable.
Are you the poster whose DH continued to pay BM CS but still assumed full custody?
There is a contradiction here
There is a contradiction here. If SD respects and listens to her dad, and dad backs up mom, SD wouldn't be acting out with mom. I'm guessing dad doesn't back up bm at all and may even be subtly encouraging the kid to act up. This girl is playing all of you like a fiddle. The honeymoon at dad's will wear off and she will be pulling the same stunts there as she does at mom's.
When were you going to try for your own kid? I'm betting it will be right around then that the lightbulb will finally go off for you.
NO, she is acting up at BMs
NO, she is acting up at BMs bc BM allowed that pattern to develope until the new man came along...just like a Disney Dad allows behavior until SM steps in.
LIke my skids. SD was with us for 7 years full time. Went to school, was in the band, played sports, good grades. She decided to live with BM last summer. She is now in trouble with truancy, wants to drop out of school, and running wild.
BM bribed SD to stay with her and now she can't control her. That is a BM issue, not a Dad issue and he refuses to step in and help BM when BM did things behind DSOs back such as:
BM signed for SD to get a tattoo when she turned 16. Allowed SD to have boys at the house when no one was home and there was a pregnancy scare. She bought SS16, at the time, cigarettes. BM does a lot of pills and I would bet the skids are doing opioids also but we know they are smoking weed and drinking at her house.
Yeah well your husband
Yeah well your husband refused to parent his kid after age ...what?...and it's all BM's fault? Nah.
I stopped thinking like that a long time ago. My DH is just as responsible for his little failures as their mother.
I'm not stupid enough to get
I'm not stupid enough to get married again so he isn't my husband.
I reread and I never said he refused to parent, he refuses to help BM parent bc she allowed those things, not him.
SD was and is 17.
You don't have to explain yourself
SD's behavioral issues didn't start until DH moved out (after BM's affair) and when he was pushed out of SD's life and BM took over. It used to be "cute" when SD had an attitude, but now that she'll be 13, not so much.
I don't understand why dad needs to parent on BM's time? She wants to be an equal (or greater) parent- well then parent, dammit!
Seriously a lot of double
Seriously a lot of double standards in these responses and I absolutely agree with you. It is a BM issue not a Dad issue.
If it was the the skids being disrespectful in Dads house, then everyone would say it is Dads fault and not BMs fault and he needs to learn to parent and BM shouldn't have to rescue him everytime there is a problem with the skid.
Amen!
Thank you! We know that BM and SF demean SD. BM demeaned DH at every turn when they were "together". Their new thing is calling her "fat"- she isn't, btw. Yes, they tell her that she is getting fat and that she better start doing physical activities. SD has never been coordinated or interested in physical things. They give her no options to be active, yet expect her to know. How do you expect a child that has never done such things to just pick them up?
DH and I are physically active- in our jobs, but especially with our dogs. We encourage SD to go on hikes/ walks in the park with us, and take her to a kid's gym that has trampolines, balance beams, rock walls, monkey bars, etc. What are we doing wrong? If BM refuses to parent, WHY IS THAT OUR PROBLEM??! BM is the goddess of inactivity (Aergia, I believe lol) so why does she think SD will want to be different? I don't blame SD for not respecting BM or SF, to be honest. Of course we can encourage a positive relationship with them, and we do, but if they are constantly negative toward her and treat her like garbage, how do we fix that on our time? Punish her for some petty thing that BM decide to ground her for? We do NOT agree with that.
My DH did continue to pay his
My DH did continue to pay his EX full CS...even when one of his daughters lived with us for a while.. and even when the girls (at different times) lived with his parents for the last year of their HS education. Honestly, his CS wasn't huge and it was cheaper than going to court.. now if it had been over 1K a month.. I might have been screaming about that...haha.
I think that is DH's thought.
I think that is DH's thought. CS is cheaper than court so why fight? Dads are never treated fairly.
Your DH either needs to poo
Your DH either needs to poo or get off the pot.
"If BM does this one more time..."
"If SD asks one more time..."
All that is going to happen is BM will stop complaining then stop giving him extra time. Or she'll hand SD over to you, and if/when SD acts the same way, she won't take her back.
Again, your SD is manipulating this situation to get what she wants. She KNOWS how to behave and chooses not to at BM's house. The solution shouldn't be to give SD what she wants - which is a home where she is an only child and the center of attention. It's to make her life a living Hades in BOTH homes until she is respectful to BOTH parents.
You cannot control how BM treats SD, but you can expect her to behave appropriately no matter where she is. If BM comes to my DH because the boys were disrespectful to her, the boys have just as rough a weekend with us as they did in her home. I can't stand BM, but that doesn't give the boys the right to be disrespectful to her and her house either.
SD's behavior Will improve IF your DH punishes her for her transgressions NO matter where they occur. This is an ongoing problem which means BOTH parents are failing at addressing the issue.
Agree to disagree, I suppose
I just can't get on board with punishing SD in our home for BM's lack of parenting. DH won't either. BM wanted to be the Queen B (she's a B as in b!tch) so she can deal with SD's issues in HER home.
Oh gah…teenage girl usually
Oh gah…teenage girl usually hate and fight with their mom for a few years around that time. My DD made me cry at that age…I made my mom cry at that age and so on and so on. I think that you and DH will see a totally new side to SD when she actually stays with you 50/50 for a few months.
In a few months your post will probably be along the lines of …”I wish I would have never pushed DH to get custody of SD and I am surprised BM could even stand to be around SD.” Teen girls are mean and manipulative. As beebeel said…this girl is playing you all like a fiddle. I think you both know it but don’t care as long as you can stick it to the BM.
Right now your SD is LOVING this. She can be a shit to her mom and you and her dad back SD up. She gets fun time at your house and BM is the big bad meanie by having some expectations of her.
You and DH are playing with fire here. And I have to ask but did you and DH inherit some money? A little while back you said you were in a good place financially to have a baby. But wasn’t it you that could not afford food or your pay your bills just a few months ago. Didn’t you have to take away SD Christmas money from someone else to buy groceries for your house? I may have you confused with someone else.
I agree. The simple fact that
I agree. The simple fact that this girl is butting heads with her mom tells me mom is doing something right! It I don't think the bm is this "terrible" parent the OP's husband wants her to believe. A truly permissive, terrible parent (like my skids' bm) never butts heads with their kids because their No. 1 priority is the child's "happiness." There are no fights because there are no rules.
The fights come from the
The fights come from the sudden onset of rules. That is on BM and BM alone. DH has always had clear expectations of SD.
I'm not understanding..
Why should SD's life be a "living Hell" in our home if she is (mostly) decent with us? Yes, she will argue and make excuses, but not the point that she "wins". She still knows what is expected of her and sometimes drags her feet, but she does what's expected. DH doesn't believe in grounding and neither do I. He is like my dad, and when I was SD's age and a teenager, my dad could just raise his voice and bring me to tears. BM's only punishment IS grounding, but what does that accomplish? Resentment and an even worse attitude from SD?
DH can strike the fear of God in SD and BM and SF admitted that one of the only ways to get SD to mind in their home is threatening to call DH. SD always declines and (I think) minds them after that.
I've said it before, if DH had 50/50 from the start (5+ years ago), I think SD would be a completely different kid. BM has always been the "friend" until SF came around. SD is growing up and doesn't need our constant attention anymore and I think that crushes BM inside. She no longer has her "BFF" and has a kid with someone she doesn't want to be with. Yes, BM has made comments to DH about her long-time boyfriend and his family that are very disrespectful, racist, and quite disgusting, IMO. BM is a despicable human being and DH and I know that she has made her bed to lie in.
I'm not understanding, either
I'm not understanding, either. So your DH just "strikes the fear of god" into sd and she does as told? Every time? What does that mean? He yells? Are there ever any consequences?
"Doesn't believe in grounding"...I don't even know what to say. Is sd aware of her dad's "beliefs" on this subject? I'm starting to understand...
Well DH never grounds her so
Well DH never grounds her so I'm sure SD is aware? You don't have to ground your kids to be an effective parent. Just teach them to so as they're told and they will do it. Yes, she listens to DH and is arguing less and less.
SD being disrespectful and
SD being disrespectful and not minding BM is not just a BM issue; it's an SD issue. Clearly the fear of God approach isn't working if SD is being disrespectful at BM's house.
Does SD get to be disrespectful to teachers? If she is, what does DH do? Is she disrespectful to other family? Friends? She either doesn't know how to behave or she does but chooses not to, and CHOOSING TO BE DISRESPECTFUL is an SD issue. She may not like BM or SF, but she shouldn't get away with being disrespectful to ANY adult.
That's the point many of us are making. Your DH's form of punishment doesn't work. If it did, SD would be too "scared" to disrespect ANYONE, BM included. There are no real consequences for SD when she is disrespectful to BM because even if BM grounds her, the minute she is at your place she is ungrounded.
Many kids will put up with being yelled at because it's a short punishment. It has no lasting impact. Of course she hates being grounded, it's supposed to suck. And of course being at Dad's is her preferred because all she gets is a talking to, then she is free to do whatever. I bet if you matched BM's consequence of grounding, or losing her phone/tablet/internet access, SD would behave at BM's. I bet if SD faced REAL consequences at Dad's house for being disrespectful to other adults, she'd straighten up for BM. Right now, she controls the situation because the more miserable she makes BM, the less punishment she ACTUALLY gets because BM ships her to your DH who just yells a little.
SD being disrespectful to ANY adult is a PARENTING FAIL on BOTH parents. Your DH lets it slide by wagging his finger and giving a talking-to. Not good enough. That is SUCH an easy situation to play, and SD is going to play that for YEARS to come.
SD has had her bouts of
SD has had her bouts of rebellion in school. DH shut that down real quick. SD's teachers even asked him to sit with her in class for an entire day and he was less than pleased with that request and SD was fine after that. The teachers were to call HIM when SD acted up since BM's punishments weren't getting through. That was last year. BM hides SD's bad behavior (she is primary on the call list when SD acts out) and even encourages SD to not tell DH so that he won't know. Yes, BM told me that SD was acting up in school again this year (about 3 months ago), but that SD didn't want to tell DH for fear of his reaction. You heard that right. BM expected SD to tell DH of her bad behavior instead of BM being the freaking adult and co-parenting. That's just how she rolls.
I can't get on board with what you're saying. DH is damned if he does, damned if he doesn't in your scenarios. BM doesn't want him to be an equal parent until SD has made her life a living Hell, then when DH is involved, he isn't doing enough, and even needs to go as far as extending BM's punishments to our home. I just can't.
SD knows that arguing only postpones the task/ expectation that is being asked of her, so she has learned that in our home, it just isn't worth it and we have had a great week since Saturday!
Get ready to laugh....
"I just want to say thank you so much for being you! You are an amazing dad and a great person. Thank you"
That's the text DH forwarded me from BM! I asked what he said back and he said he isn't going to respond and let that sink in for her. If he is such an "amazing dad", why did she fight so hard in court to keep him away?? Hmm..
Didn’t you recently blog your
Didn’t you recently blog your concerns that BM was peddling marijuana out of her house?
BM was probably high when she wrote and sent that text. Or rather, I would chalk that text up to zilch. Nada.