DH won't give up the delusion
After a stressful past week with SD, I was so relieved that Monday finally came this week. Then my hormonal ass sees SD's lunch container from last week in the sink after DH dropped her off at school. It was Thursday's leftovers that had been sitting in her lunchbox since Friday. Obviously she didn't bother to rinse the container out so it smelled like sauce and of course it was dried into the container. I yelled at DH and told him that he needs to help me with SD!
His response? What do I want him to do? She has no incentive to conform to our (read: my) EXTREMELY basic expectations like cleaning up after herself. I had also asked her to make SIL a birthday card on Friday at 3pm and SIL didn't show up until after 7. Well, SD went to a movie with her friend and didn't finish the card, of course. Why do a simple thing that SM asks when DH will just play Disney Dad, right? Oh, and to add the delusion, DH thinks that the only way SD can be a decent human being in our home is to take her from BM and get full custody. I don't know why he thinks this is a good idea but it's stilll BM's fault that SD won't do what she's told here and the only solution is taking her away from BM so SD only has one set of rules to abide by.
Then about wearing the same clothes 8 days straight- he says SD is just not allowed to wear clothes from BM's here anymore and that will force her to wear the clothes we provide. I just walked away because that already sounds like pulling teeth. I am either a serious control freak and evil SM or my DH is just that dense that he can't be bothered to keep up with his kid half the month. WTH would it be like if SD was here full time? I honestly don't want to find out and am hoping that she goes back to BM full time when baby girl comes in January.
I was also called by a job that I didn't get in July and the manager left me a voicemail saying they're hiring again. I am waiting for his call back. DH encouraged me to go through the process again even though I was told I "struggled" in my initial interview. We are currently sharing a car so he'll have to figure out what to do with SD when I am working if I get the job.
The bottom line is that I feel like we are 2 separate families when SD is here. I feel like it is fine when she isn't here and that I'm always the outsider when she is here. How will this be with a baby? I can't imagine being at different houses with different expectations every other week but it is the status quo now and when DH finally got the 50%, he says SD had been bugging him to be week on/ week off.
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Comments
At this point, I'd let DH do
At this point, I'd let DH do everything in regards to SD. And I mean Every.Bloody.Thing.
Sweetie, you cannot care more than he does. He obviously doesn't give a rat's patootie. You have better and more important things to worry about.
Thank you. I feel myself
Thank you. I feel myself slipping back into depression and I'm scared. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. He says he needs my help but when I ask him for something, he acts like I'm being unreasonable and blames BM for it all. It is exhausting and I don't want SD around when my daughter is here.
I know that I need to sort myself out and DH is being an extremely poor parent but I am trying to cope and feel like I'm failing miserably.
Let me be blunt.
Let me be blunt.
You are not failing. SD IS NOT YOUR DAUGHTER. She's is DH's daughter and DH IS THE ONE WHO IS FAILING.
You said yourself "DH is being an extremely poor parent". And THAT is the bottom line. There is nothing that YOU can do to MAKE your DH a better parent. Not one bloody thing. Even if you left him, he would still be a sucky parent.
Sweetie, the only thing you are failing at is Disengaging and stayind Disengaged. Do yourself and your sanity a favor. STOP trying to do DH's JOB. {{hugs}}
^^^^^^^^^^^^ PREACH ANIKI!!!!
^^^^^^^^^^^^ PREACH ANIKI!!!!
Sorry to hear that
I'm new to this site and it seems this thread may be older but I just read your post about depression and wanting to curl into ball. My heart hurts for you and I can relate all to well. It IS exhausting trying so hard to care for someone else's child when they dont seem to care at all. Or it is always someone else's fault. I have no words of wisdom but I can by all the posts here you are not alone. Hang in there!
We've all been telling you
We've all been telling you this for, what, a year now?
DISENGAGE.
Entirely. Completely. Forever.
Yes, your expectations of family don't mesh with DH's. You can leave or disengage and accept that there are two sets of rules.
There is no magical third option. He likes the way things are, and he isn't planning on changing. You aren't planning on changing what you want, either. That's just the way it is.
Your problem is not, and never has been, SD. It has, and always will be, DH. This is him as a father and husband. Period. Dot. End.
^^Every word of this!!!
^^Every word of this!!!
How many people does it take
For you to understand that DH is the problem? Not SD. Him doing for SD means he doesn’t have to parent. You can not do more for SD then her bio do. She maybe a total lost of a kid. And that hard to watch, But that not your problem and you really can not do anything about it.
Yes, as the others said -
Yes, as the others said - just let it go. Everything SD related is on him to do. Don't worry, you can raise your daughter differently than SD is raised, they are far enough apart in age. Let it go. Do not make yourself crazy over lunch, clothes and cards for people who aren't your family.
yes to ALL the above. I
yes to ALL the above. I could give point by point feedback for you because I've been through the EXACT SAME STUFF - and the only thing that helped? Stopping myself from dealing with it. Disengaged. You are going to drive yourself insane otherwise.