SD coming over randomly and DH's whole mood changes
DH had always been more short with me when she was here before but tonight the second she got dropped off, he started being snippy with me so I told him to go away and leave me alone if he was going to treat me that way. He just doesn't see it and our daughter is due in less than 2 weeks. I told him if this is how he's going to treat me when SD is around, I'll stay elsewhere when she's here.
So I'm sitting in our room because he was trying to argue in front of SD and I refuse to give her more ammunition to tell BM or her counselor about how dysfunctional our home is. I told him he either needs to follow the CO with his 24 hours a month or go back to court and get a new schedule because SD and BM just deciding SD can come over after almost 2 weeks of no communication is not ok with me- especially with a baby on the way.
In fact, we hadn't had an arguement in quite a long time before I disengaged after this CPS crap and were very happy (I thought) these past few weeks.
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My my DH used to get distant,
My my DH used to get distant, snippy, and on edge during skid visits too. Actually, it usually started the day before...like he was pulling away from me to prepare for their arrival.
What a brilliant idea! Make your wife feel like even MORE of an outsider during a time that’s already really hard for her! I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone.
evemtually he got it and saw what he was doing. He admitted to me that, while he loves his kids he didn’t really love their visits because they felt like chaos...and that made him feel bad / guilty...so he started pulling away from me, too...and going on auto-pilot to get through it.
Once he saw what he was doing he reversed it and started planning for one-on-one time and making sure we were connected and on the same page before skids arrived...made a big difference.
I hope your DH will see what he’s doing and knock it off. I’d also be really offended by the money comment and him trying to put you and the ex in the same boat. That’s highly offensive. I’d be tempted to ask: “Wait, DH. So are you actually saying that because I don’t want to be snipped and griped at over nothing and because I want some consistency in the schedule...that im the same as your ex who is trying to poison your daughter against you? Is that really what you think? Because if so, I should probably just leave right now.”
DH won't go as far to admit
DH won't go as far to admit that he doesn't like SD being over or that it's stressful because I'm sure he enjoys it but it's never meaningful. He did, however, tell me this morning after we rested that this whole situation is breaking his heart but his hands are tied and SD will always be welcome over. I don't even mind that as long as it isn't sprung on me an hour before she's getting dropped off and he treats me nicely. The few minutes after she walked in the door his demeanor changed and it was directed at me because I had given him a "honey-do" list and he had worked all day. The thing is that I didn't need those tasks to be done last night. Then, of course, her phone is broken so that came up right away and my pessimistic self thinks that's why she wanted to come over.
lol. Of course it is. LIttle
lol. Of course it is. LIttle twit.
I do feel for these guys trying to juggle an ex and kids. I know it can’t be easy...but that doesn’t mean you get to take it out on your new partner or ignore basic rules of consideration and communication.
like your DH...mine would get really defensive. “My kids are always welcome here! It’s THEIR home too!”
I think this comes from a place of deep denial...grief st being relegated to secondary parent...and a strange insistence that this isn’t the case.
I’d point out to my DH. If this is their home, too...why do you drop everything and roll out the red carpet when they arrive and treat them like royal visitors? Shouldn’t they have chores? (He did eventually give them chores). I also pointed out that whenever they left, they referred to it as ‘going home’ and they called our house ‘my dad’s house’ when talking to their friends.
I didn’t do this to be cruel...just to show that he was working himself up and turning our lives upside-down...in order to preserve some kind of fantasy that no one was buying into.
So no...they shouldn’t (and they don’t) feel “just as much at home” here as at their mom’s. And there should be notice and communication...because it affects me. And you can’t expect me to be better and more excited about kid visits than you are.
It took several years...but he eventually took the pressure off visitation, quit snipping at me and finding fault about everything concerning skids...and doing more to prioritize us and our goals.
And...surprise, surprise...when he did this he felt better and his relationship with his kids improved, too. So it’s NOT a competition or an Either/Or. it’s a Both/And.
Nothing is ever going to
Nothing is ever going to change because he doesn't want to change and you won't do the hard job of changing your life. This is your reality.
I don't want to separate with
I don't want to separate with my husband before our baby is born. I want and need his help and want him to be with her everyday because that was taken from him when he left BM. All I ask for is to follow the CO for now into the investigation is over and a new one can be made and plan for more than the day of for SD to come over when I was expecting to be alone. Then his whole mood changed and that really upset me.
Whatever then. Things still
Whatever then. Things still won't change. He's going to continue to drink and do drugs, drive with you and the kids in the car while drinking, and nearly kill you again and again.
If that is what you want, more power to you. Good luck.
Hope she ain't leaving that
Hope she ain't leaving that baby in the care of a drunk drug addict.
Hopefully SD will tell
Hopefully SD will tell everyone what happened and they all call CPS.
Kids should not be in that home. BOTH adults showed poor judgment. Both adults made choices that put everyone in danger.
But Op don't think he's a
But Op don't think he's a danger. Craziness.
Then his whole mood changed..
Then his whole mood changed..
I was married to an alcoholic cokehead. This is your 'norm'. He will always be unstable and unpredictable until he quits drinking. Or worse.
Even if he quits, enough
Even if he quits, enough drinking over enough time, a person still has the personality and mood swings of an alcoholic/addict..
Years of alcohol and drug
Years of alcohol and drug abuse will not be that easy to erase
Sadly
He is going to have to learn this the hard way and hit bottom. You advising him to follow the CO is like talking to a wall. Take care of yourself and your baby try to disengage from SD as much as possible.
ILD, he has proven to you
ILD, he has proven to you again and again that things will not change. He has no respect for you or your feelings. I do not believe he will be any different after the baby is born. TBH, I wonder if the 'difficulties' of a newborn will be an excuse for him to drink more often.
It gets down to this
The BM doesn't want the children to have a relationship with their dad... the BM just wants a spy in your house.
I wish more men would realize this. SD does not want a relationship with her dad; she just wants to be able to go back to the BM with a report and make "mommy happy" (TM) no matter what that takes be at outright lies or exaggerations.
Nothing the OP posted
Nothing the OP posted supports the view mom doesn't want the girl to yave a relationship with her father.
OP has stated that the courts gave dad a ridiculously low amount of visitation. Mom has allowed dad to have much more time than the courts mandated.
OP's husband drinks and uses drugs. Mom withheld the child when dad had an angry outburst while drinking. She voiced her concerns about him drinking when he has their daughter.
Yes, therr are plenty to evil BMs out there that are hell bent on destroying their children's fathers. There's no way anyone can read what the OP has said about her husband's drinking, drug use and actions when he is drunk and think that this BM is out of line.
There isn't a parent posting on steptalk that would not have the same concerns if their child were in a similar situation.
Ignoring dad's addiction and
Ignoring dad's addiction and making this a GUBM is wrong. Staying in this situation can land the OP's baby in foster care.
It is very likely
That DH had this problem while married to the BM which could make her much more hostile and high conflict. It definitely appears that her DH Is His Own worst enemy...OP will have to look out for number one.
I usually agree with looking
I usually agree with looking out for number one, but not when kids are in danger. This isn't simply a matter of a funky kid that refuses to shower. Or a spoiled brat that should be forced to deal with natural consequences.
This is deeper than that. The OP has a responsibility to speak up and take the necessary actions to protect that child (and her own ) from her husband.
Wonder if this is why his
Wonder if this is why his first marriage ended.
OP said that BM used to have
OP said that BM used to have substance abuse problem but got clean since then. Perhaps since she herself quit, staying with DH who continued drinking and doing drugs wasn’t a good idea so possibly that’s why she left. He also has anger problems so it’s wise that she left
I am not sure why would
I am not sure why would someone think it’s a good idea to have kids with a man who uses drugs and heavily drinks daily? This poor child. Now two kids are victims of this dysfunction. It’s not a very responsible decision.
I wonder if he originally didn’t receive any overnight visits in CO due to his drug and alcohol abuse. It’s irresponsible of BM to allow SD visiting more often and overnight. Does BM not realize that she is endangering SD? Both women don’t put children first. No way no how I’d allow anyone daily intoxicated to drive my child or spend a night. Both BM and SM are endangering their children allowing them around this man
OP:
OP:
I am sure it is difficult to see all of the messages like this one and on your other posts as well. But, please really step away from your emotions (I know it's hard when you are so pregnant and hormonal!) and look at your situation as if you were someone else looking in.
Sometimes stuff slowly creeps up or YOU and/or what you want and need out of life changes. Sometimes in the beginning you might see some red flags but you get talked out of seeing them (gaslighting or other manipulations) or all of the flags happen so often they become "normal" to you also. I get it, really I do. I have gotten myself into 2 really bad relationships. Really bad. I got sucked into both so bad. Honestly, I don't even trust myself enough to even try having another relationship anytime soon... if ever. The first one was 11 years. I fortunately did not spend nearly that amount of time in the 2nd. I will not allow it to happen again; I have wasted too much life on crappy relationships.
You will soon have a baby to care for, in addition to yourself. Your #1 job as a mother is to keep your baby safe, not just physically, but emotionally as well. It is your duty to ensure your child grows up properly also. Living with an alcoholic is not safe. It is not a healthly environment to grow up in. Not to even mention SD issues.
Please really try to step back and look in at your situation and try to see what so many others are. Best wishes.
Why?
Why do you continue to ignore so many warning signs? I know you are very close to giving birth, but you need a plan for before your DH puts your daughter's life at risk. Every update you make has glaring warning signs. If you choose to stay with this man you are just as culpable if anything happens to either of these children. I think you may like the drama? It creates excitement? I just don't understand what it is you're doing. You aren't playing with just your own life, you have your own child to protect as well.
I don’t think alcoholics or
I don’t think alcoholics or drug addicts shouldn’t be around their children. That’s not the case. They have rights to see their kids.
I believe they shouldn’t be allowed to drive with kids and have kids around in the evening and over night when they are so drunk or stoned or both that they are passed out (who watches their kids when they are passed out?).
They could see children in day time in places with supervision such as day time restaurant outing with family, movie during the day, park, sport activity etc
They have rights to see their kids but they should not be allowed to be around passed out stoned and drunk every evening. Not only it’s damaging to children emotionally . It’s unsafe.
That’s why original CO with no overnights totally make sense. Why BM thought it was ok to send SD to dad to spend nights and be in the car wuth him is unacceptable.
And now there will be a baby around with passed out drunk man every night. And when Ilovedogs works nights, he will be home alone wuth the baby. Passed out drunk and high. Or drive around with the baby, drunk and high. Mortifying
Or throwing one of his temper
Or throwing one of his temper tantrums and tossing items flying thru the house. Or falling asleep and leaving the stove top on. Or leaving alcohol/drugs out where tots can get at it. Or leaving doors unlocked so tots can escape and roam down the street.
Hope he won't throw the baby
Hope he won't throw the baby in a freaky drunk drugged fit. *sorry2*