Skids are so dense (and lazy)- last rant
I promise. We had thin cut New York strips and baked potatoes for dinner last night and SD barely touched her potato then asks what to do with it after. I ask if she's taking leftovers for lunch and she mumbles "yeah" in her best mousy, unamused voice. I say "ok, cut up your steak so it's ready to go tomorrow". I got an "ok" but saw that she put the whole steak into her lunch container. Whatever.
This morning she tells DH she needs to take a steak knife to school and he says that's not a good idea. I jump in (I suck at disengaging, remember?) and tell her that she was told to do it last night so it was ready to eat at lunch today but that she still has time to do it right there. As I walk away, she mumbles something to DH and they go back and forth and I'm 99% sure she decided to cut it at school. Good luck to her because the girl has pretty much zero coordination and it's going to be hell for her to try to cut a steak in a 2x3 container with the potato on top as she packed it.
I'm really not an evil SM. I really do want this child to have SOME life skills and common sense when it's time for her to be on her own. SOMETHING! I don't see it happening, especially when her life is breezy at BM's and DH doesn't do much to help her either. Why do I care so much?? I also noticed she hasn't changed her jeans since she got here on Monday but I kept my mouth shut. Yes, a 13 year old needs to be told that she can't wear the same jeans and socks for a week straight and to wear deodorant, wash her face, and bathe at least every other day.
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Comments
Kids here get suspended for
Kids here get suspended for taking a knife to school. It doesn't matter what their intent was.
Odds are, SD intends to throw that lovely steak away. SD threw her lunches away every day for two years, we found out later, and smuggled junk. Or maybe DH will give her lunch money, or bring her lunch again. Because ODD. And passive aggressive hostility. And spoiled entitled brat.
She claims she won't get in
She claims she won't get in trouble (maybe because she doesn't go to public school, maybe because she eats outside) but I guarantee 1000% that she'll regret not cutting it up beforehand. And if she does just waste it, that was a perfectly good steak I could've eaten with eggs and shared with my dogs.
Sometimes you have to laugh
Sometimes you have to laugh at the sheer laziness of some of these kids. I hope she grows out of that and that your H stops enabling it. I'm curious to see how she functions as an adult.
I think this one will be
I think this one will be living with mommy until she's 30. BM is actually pretty independent but she hasn't passed that down to SD. BM's parents are also rich and will probably subsidize SD through college and long after. I know that's where BM's "independence" comes from.
Please tell me he did not let
Please tell me he did not let her take a steak knife to school because she was too lazy to cut it at home...?
There wasn't a knife in the
There wasn't a knife in the sink after they left..
This is a dh problem. Not
This is a dh problem. Not only did he not make her do it, but he let her know it was ok to not listen to you.
Exactly! But this is what has
Exactly! But this is what has been happening all week with the lunch thing. ILD tells SD what to take for lunch, SD ignores her and goes to daddy and asks, daddy brings fast food/lunchable. SD gets away with ignoring ILD, making her look like a schmuck to SD. Repeat. I would be pissed.
Thank you!
Thank you! It's honestly easier when DH isn't around because at least SD listens to me- even if it's reluctantly.
Omg...girl u have a husband
Omg...girl u have a husband problem. Kids will argue anything. My son is pretty awesome but will argue stupid crap like that. It is my job as his mom to make him so what he is told...same when my husband tells him to do something.
We are the adults they are kids...end of story.
That's why I feel like I'm in
That's why I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone! DH wants me to help out when SD is with us but undermines every "parental" effort I put forth. I'm not trying to pick on her, I really am trying to be helpful!
Have you sat him down and
Have you sat him down and said, look, you want me to help, but literally THREE times this week you have undermined me, and let SD get away with not listening to me? I would be interested in his response. I would tell him I am not ok with allowing SD to ignore what you say, and then giving her what she wants. It's taking away all of your authority.
I texted him the last 2
I texted him the last 2 mornings and got "what's the problem?" and made to feel like I just want to fight about SD. I also told him that he's not going to let our daughter be raised that way and he shut right up. I'll say something to him today.
Tell him what the problem is:
Tell him what the problem is:
You want me to be a parental figure, but you undermine me all the time by not backing me up and changing what I say.
If you dont want to back me up and hold sd to what I say, then I will not be a parental figure anf you can take care of ALL things sd related.
Of course, he's busy and
Of course, he's busy and stressed out and why do I want to fight about SD all week? I told him that I'm the mother of this family and he is making me feel less than when he doesn't enforce what I say. He said we can talk when he gets home but that usually never happens. I told him that if he wants me help with his older child, he needs to treat me as equal authority or not expect anything from me. I was also "thanked" for the added stress this morning.
Cry me a damn river. He's the one who convinced BM to do 50/50 and he says every off week how much he misses SD and how he wishes she was here all the time. Sure, buddy.
This really isn't about lunch
This really isn't about lunch, is it?
Yes and no. Yes because it
Yes and no. Yes because it really would've made SD's life easier to have her food cut up with the limited time she has for lunch and now she has to cut it up in a small container which isn't even easy for me.
No because it is DH having the last say and literally saying he doesn't care or notice things she does while making me feel undermined. That is where my frustration comes from! I am good enough to pick SD up from school, take her to movies, style her hair, teach her basic chores, etc. but when he doesn't care enough to be a parent, he lets me be ignored, showing SD that what I say isn't as important.
I am also highly concerned because this can not happen with our mutual child that is due in January!
Well, to point #1, let her
Well, to point #1, let her learn that lesson on her own. The more you tell a 13-year-old not to do something, the more they want to do it. Let her figure out it's much easier to cut it ahead of time.
I think it's more about #2 for you - because no one can possibly care this much about what their skid brings for lunch. This is a power struggle between you and DH. I'd suggest you stop doing all those other things for SD and let him do them, if you feel undermined and taken for granted. Then you can focus on your bio kid when he/she is born and not have any of these headaches.
I think you really need to
I think you really need to disengage for your own sanity. If your DH wants to enable her, let him, it’s his time and money. Make him get her lunch from now on. By staying engaged you are enabling your DH to enable SD. If you want him to stop and be more respectful toward you, you need to make him do the work.
Also, you are going to have to accept that you can’t control everything. Yes indeedy, your kid will end up doing things the hard way despite your advice too. They will play parents. It’s unavoidable. Though I think my DH has more respect for my opinion in regards to our kids, we still argue.
On this subject, your DH may agree with you, but is it really worth the argument or forcing her to comply? To me having her take the steak knife was a very fitting punishment to not preparing her food beforehand.
Honestly …you would drive me
Honestly …you would drive me out of my mind if you were my wife. You are causing most of the issues and strife in your marriage.
You drove the whole “SD “must” live with us because DH is a perfect father… BM is a crazy nut job loser and SD was a sweet little girl. Then the moment your SD actually stayed with you a few weeks your whole train of thought changed. Your DH is a total loser as a father and your SD is the demon child from hell. And yes he certainly knows you feel this way because you make it very obvious since you cannot get off his or SDs back.
You don’t want to disengage at all. You want total control over how your DH fathers his first child. And you are going to make him miserable until he folds under the pressure.
You keep bringing up that he is not going to act a certain way toward SD when your DD is born. You realize that your DD will not even remember SD living there? Let the man finish raising his DD the way he wants to. He would probably be a better father if he was not fighting off your accusations of him being a crap father all the time.
I have told you before and you still won’t listen but you really need to disengage. For real. You can be the friendly aunt. You are making your SD miserable…your DH miserable and most of all…you are making YOU miserable.
I am not trying to be ugly but you keep doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting different results every time.
This seems a bit dramatic. I
This seems a bit dramatic. I don't remember ILD ever saying SD was a "Demon child from hell" or that DH is a total loser. Even if you were exaggerating, it's a bit extreme. Also, "he would probably be a better father if he was not fighting off your accusations of him being a crap father all the time". Highly doubt it. She isn't accusing him of being a crap father all the time, she is simply asking him to back her up, plain and simple. And, it would be very unusual for someone who is having another child with their DH, to not worry about DH's parenting style with the current SD, and try to get on the same page. I wouldn't want to disengage (i.e. bury your head in the sand) when you see your DH encouraging behavior that makes her spoiled- not only do you then have a spoiled SD, you have to worry about DH continuing that parenting style with the new baby, and then you have to worry about treating them different because you are more strict with the baby, but SD gets to do whatever....that all sounds like a nightmare, I would want to try and nip it in the bud now too.
Yes, getting annoyed about the lunch thing may seem silly, but mostly it's the principle of the matter- DH has asked ILD to be involved, yet when ILD does get involved, he just lets SD ignore it. What person wants to feel like their say doesn't matter in their own household? I know your answer to that is "disengage". It isn't that easy for everyone. Some of us want to make it work without disengaging, and just want our DH's to respect us enough to value our opinion and not undermine us in front of skids. And some of us try longer than others to make that happen. I would be annoyed if I were in this situation myself, and luckily she is able to vent here and some of us understand it.
That's the point she's making
That's the point she's making. You can't control DH and make him respect you and not undermine you. You can only control yourself, so disengaging is all you can do. Fighting every day over what the kid brings for lunch or doesn't bring for lunch, or whether she cuts it ahead of time or not, whether she buys lunch or takes lunch, whether it's mac and cheese or pizza that may or may not be stale is just a big power struggle, which is all about control.
I don't even care that much about what I eat for my own lunch. Dear god, let it go.
Sorry, I still disagree. I
Sorry, I still disagree. I was in this same exact place with my SO. He would undermine me quite frequently, and I felt my opinion didn't matter. It caused a lot of issues. I didn't let it go- It took quite a few "discussions", but it is night and day from how it was before. I can't even tell you how much better it is now. I probably drove my SO crazy, but I don't really care- if he wants it to work, then he gets to listen to me until he stops undermining me. It's not about the damn pizza, it's about him undermining her.
That's fine, but then SAY
That's fine, but then SAY THAT. Don't fight over flippin' pizza and lunch every day. Sit him down and tell him that she's doing all the work and not being given any authority and she would like that to change. And if it doesn't change, then X, Y, Z.
What I see here is that she wants to call all the shots on how SD is parented. She's actually undermining HIM. Why does she get to decide what SD takes for lunch and not him? How is he undermining her if he wants to actually make a decision about his daughter?
I am not sure it’s
I am not sure it’s undermining. He is the parent yet love the dogs always wants her way when it comes to SD. That’s not working. Not working for him and her and SD.
It is not being a bit
It is not being a bit dramatic at all. A few months ago this man was the bees knees of a husband and a father. Now he is being treated like he is an idiot father and husband.
It is good that it worked out for you, but that is usually an anomaly in this type of situation. Most men do not like being driving crazy about the way they parent. Your SO was apparently ok with it. Hers is not. What she is doing is NOT working in her marriage. I am offering her a different MAYBE better way to approach it without making her husband feel like a loser.
In the end…it is his child and he should have last say over how she is raised…not ILD. Unless he wants her to do that but he has made it quite clear that he does not appreciate her trying to bully him into bending to her will about his child. Like I said…what she is doing is not working.
I know it is likely too late
I know it is likely too late now with pregnancy and stuff but I told you before that you need to work full time. I don’t understand why you don’t work especially if you are medical professional. I am yet to meet medical professionals and young people to boot without full time job.
When people have too much free time on their hands they tend to get petty and worry about small stuff because they have nothing else to do. If you had to run out of the house at 6am to get to work and we’re tgere for 12 hour shift you’d likely dont give a thought what SD takes for lunch. You also won’t be there all the time and DH would have to figure it out. Too much idle time is not good
Also people are who they are. That’s who you married. Why are you surprised DH does he does. You have the same complains about DH for years. Now if he allowed her to take knife (not plastic one) to school, he is not very smart. You now have a child with a man who can’t figure out how to pack lunch for a kid.
You complain how bad is SD because of her BM but she with dad half the time. But actually living with dad means she with you all day and you micromanage and then argue with DH and her all the time. It’s stressfuk for everyone involved. I’d send her to live with BM. It would be better for everyone
Update?
Update?