Paying for skid activities
DH and I have been married for a year, living together for two. He has SD11 EOWe.
DH is self-employed, and his work is outdoors. This very rainy spring has been hard on him/his business.
A few times, he's asked me if I can do something with SD11 on Saturday, so he can work. He *always* asks me first. He *always* assures me that I don't have to, and that he'll just arrange for her to stay with BM if I can't. BM has a decent, stable job (working for her parents) and, near as I can tell, no life. She's always able to flex with our schedules.
I have pretty much complete say on what I decide to so with her.
For the most part, she's not that bad to be around, she's come around quite a bit over the last two years.
My question is this...who pays for our activities?
I don't mind taking the day and spending it with her. In the past, we've done things that weren't too expensive (visited my Dad, who was temporarily in a nursing home post-surger; oddly my Dad, who doesn't much like kids, likes SD11 quite a bit--go figure!), the other time, geocaching, so my only expenses were a fast food lunch, and gas. No big deal.
This weekend, he's got to work again. SD11 takes horseback riding lessons 3x/month (by court order, DH pays for 1/2, as with all activities like that.) She spends a ton of time on the computer playing horse games.
I have found a place nearby that does public trail rides.
DH and I have separate finances, plus a joint savings account. I pitch in toward household expenses, and cover both DH and SD's medical insurance.
In this case, I asked DH to cover SD's trail ride expense; I'll happily pay my own, but it just kinda bugs me to spend MY $$ on entertaining SD.
When we do stuff as a family on weekends, DH always pays for all of us, in terms of meals, etc.
We're near a city, so we've got memberships at zoos, museums, more museums, and other museums. We've each paid for some of the memberships--I'd way rather go to a natural history museum, than games arcade or bowling, so that's all worked well for use also.
So, back to this weekend....I asked DH to pay, and while he reluctantly said he would, I think his take on it is "J-dog got to decide what to do, and if it's something pricey, SHE should pay. J-dog could have chosen to just take SD11 to the zoo, or the museum(s) or something else, if she didn't want to spend that kind of money."
My take is that, although I've ridden all my life, and the trail ride will be fun, this is NOT something I'd have chosen to do this weekend all on my own. It's all about something SD will love to do.
Thoughts?
How do other SM's work out things like this, if you have no bios of your own?
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Comments
If it is all your decision on
If it is all your decision on whether to have her or not and what to do, then do something else that won't cost you money. Really, if you make the decision about it, you don't get to bitch about it too.
Your DH sounds like mine and is very supportive of you and understands your role, as far as his daughter is concerned.
I have two SDs and two bio kids. My kids are older and out of the house but I've learned the lesson above. If you don't want to do something, don't do it and don't feel guilty about it. If you do make the decision to do something, you don't get to bitch about it later.
Why reluctantly? Not your
Why reluctantly? Not your kid, not your financial responsibility.
Like you when I do things with fsd10 or fss13, I usually pay, as long as it is not too pricey. But in a little over two years this has been only twice. But I would expect fdh to pay if it was something expensive.
I remind my fdh often, I am with him, I chose him. I understand that he has children eow and on Wednesdays, so that will often dictate what activities we do. I already give up eow for them doing what they all want. That is enough.
My daughter is 29, I don't expect him to share in the expenses of things I choose to do for her.
You are right in your expectation. Remind him, you choose him. Your commitment is with him. If you choose to spend your off time with his daughter he should be thankful.
I like fsd10 and fss13, and they are easy to be with, but it is not my financial responsibility. It is his.
I don't have kids of my own,
I don't have kids of my own, but if I decide to take the skids out to do something, I assume that I'm going to pay. And it doesn't bother me one bit. There are plenty of activities to do that don't involve much money.. Then again, there's nothing wrong with spending the whole weekend at home, we do it all the time...
If your DH asked you to take
If your DH asked you to take time out of your day to entertain HIS kid, then the responsibility of paying for it falls on him. It's not your kid. Especially since your finances are separate. It doesn't matter what household expenses you pay for already. His kid, his money.
I do not pay anything towards DH's kid, she is on my health and dental insurance but DH picks up an additional household bill to cover for the amount that is deducted from my pay. Occasionally I will choose to treat us all to a meal or dessert, but I do not buy her clothes, shoes or pay for her entertainment.
Wow- this one's tough. On one
Wow- this one's tough. On one hand I agree with him buying as he has asked you to care for his child while he works. On the other?
I think if it were me all things equal I would have treated her to this as a special thing, or done something less expensive. Not that he shouldn't pay, but that I would have felt my choice was either pay or chose something we've already paid for- like the memberships to the zoo or museum.
Let us know what you decided. I'm curious as I go on in my life past STBX, how I will handle these things if/when I move on. We had no separate money and now I totally regret it since he walked out. But you're bringing up something that I never thought of so I'd like to know what you've worked out!
As I said, I'd already kinda
As I said, I'd already kinda brought this up with DH.
My plan, as of now, if HE doesn't bring the topic up again, is that I'll just pay for it, and not ask him about it again.
And I'll see what happens. If DH does offer to pay me back for SD, great. In the future then, going forward, I'll discuss plans with him, and he can tell me either yes, he's got money, go ahead and plan something a little special with her, if I want, or no, we should stick to low/no cost options.
If he doesn't pay me back, then in the future, I'll just automatically stick to the low/no cost options.
Thanks for the input--this one struck me as NOT a simple, cut-and-dried answer. Your responses confirmed that.
Yes, on the one hand, his kid (and not mine) so his expense (and not mine.) In a way, in fact, I'm splitting the cost with him--I'm not asking him to pay for me going riding, just the half that's for her.
The flip side--I CHOSE the activity, and I had other, already-paid-for options. I could have chosen one of them, and not incurred the expense.
I'll let you know how this plays out. I'm not going to be upset either way. It will affect my future plans with SD, and even if I'm willing to take her for the day in the future.