Did anyone grow up with 50/50 custody?
I'm really curious as I know the trend right now is swinging towards 50/50 being the ideal, as compared to EOWE like it was when my parents divorced. But what I'm curious about is if anyone actually lived that as a child or knows someone who has and has an opinion on it. I've only ever heard the adults opinions as to why it's best, and not the kids.
I honestly think having a week on/week off schedule as a kid would have been absolutely awful and I wouldn't have wanted my parents to switch to that, but I didn't actually live it either so who knows.
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It would not have been an
It would not have been an option for my kids with my ex as he lived 45 minutes away(more in rush hour traffic). Unless you can live in the same area and get the kids to school on time without driving an hour. BM also lives too far for that but it would be a dream to have a week off. I feel like most kids consider one place home and the other parent's home a mom's or dad's house. I'm curious to see what other posters have to say.
I hate the week on week off
I hate the week on week off with SD, but fulltime would obviously be worse. I would agree that most kids probably see one parents house as their home. SD just says she has 2 homes, but all I can imagine putting myself in that situation is that it would feel like a perpetual being on vacation and having no home when you never are in the same place for longer than a week. Which is why I'm curious to hear from a kid's POV what they think of it.
Both OSS and DS
were ecstatic to go to college and have all their stuff in one place. We really did try to be accommodating and have duplicates and such, but it's not the same as having one place to call your own. It's why it was such a hard decision to marry DH and move. Until then we were in the house that DS had been in since a baby so he had one spot that had always been his.
I wonder how it will affect them as adults in jobs and relationships. Will they have learned to be easy going about changes or will they dig in and resent change or will they be unable to stick with something because their whole childhood things were changing.
Honestly, unless they kids
Honestly, unless they kids are in the same school district to me it would be really tough on the kids. And YES I woul venture to say the majority of kids WILL prefer to have one stable home life w/out switching around if given the choice. In our case my ex moved quite far away and he wouldn't have wanted 50/50 anyways. I have mixed feelings about it honestly....I don't think it's always in the kids best interest, especially if it involves long commutes.
I dated a guy once that had this, his ex-wife had moved an hour away. Her school district was better also. I remember her offering him to take the kids during school week and him wekeends or vice-versa -they could scratch support. He would NOT bend. The girls were in different schools/middle/primary so different start times. The mom would have to drive an hour there with her 1yr old new baby to take the girls to school, wait for the other girls start time and then the same on the way back. I remember telling him he was very inflexible and that wasn't good for the girls, even if he excluded the inconvenience to the ex-wife and new baby (her new husbands kid). I remember him getting mad I was on her side (I had never met her)- her offer made SO much more sense for the girls but he couldn't see beyond his owner anger at her for daring to divorce his limp-dick as* lol -I later realized why she did.
I think sometimes it can be parents selfishness that drives the 50/50 and not kids interest. Of course a lot of times it boils down to CS ruling the decisions- both the paying one and the one receiving. Wish there was a better system.
I do think some of the time
I do think some of the time its driven by selfishness - my SD used to spend the entire first day back every week crying when she was younger and was really stressed out by the back and forth. DH asked BM about having her full time and she said no and gave this long spiel about how shes happiest when SD is with her and blah blah. So then he asked if she wanted to be the one to have her during the week most of the time and she just flat out said no she only wanted 50%. Pretty obvious what the motive is there. I dont think that's always the case and probably alot of parents do it because they think it's best.
I did not grow up in a 50/50 situation
But the "studies" tell us that shared parenting is the best approach for kids. Not necessarily 50-50, but where the father (since it's usually the Dad that has minority parenting time) is not absent for the kids. This article:
https://www.wealthysinglemommy.com/shared-parenting-research/
Has links to some of the academic literature on the topic.
For what it's worth, DD's dad did do 50/50 for several years when he was young. He really liked being able to still have regular access to both his parents (even though his dad was HORRIBLE!).
Would eowe be considered
Would eowe be considered "shared" then since the dad isnt absent or no?
I know the studies show that 50/50 is best, but I feel like that would be hard to measure and could have alot of other factors involved, so another reason why I was curious the kids' POV. Also, the results of the studies seem to change over time.
So you did 50/50 with your son and he liked it? Was he school age or younger? Why did that end up stopping?
Well I think there's a big
Well I think there's a big difference in an absent dad like my boys had. He spend minimum time with them, his 'weekends' were always cut to Sat aft-Sun early afternoon....even though he had Fri-Sun. He had to work Sat, then go home, nap and then come get them after he damn pleased. Granted this was even when they were WAY old enough to stay home alone. He did the Fri-Sun thing for a year at most. He never took the 4-6 weeks in summer, nor holiday/spring breaks -shoot he only once had them an entire week - the 2nd time he had them for a week he brougth them home hafl way through. Enough of that rant...
Again, the more involved a parent can be, the better, I just don't know that switching homes regularly or bouncing around is best. I see parents w/this 2-2/5/5 or 4-3 whatever craziness or even daily back forth. My son had a schoolmate that did this, she HATED it. If they are in the same school zone, I think a 2 week stretch minimum is likely best for THE KIDS.
Parents cry this 'I can't go so long w/out seeing little Johnny'- which is BS. They can skype or call in between. This gives the kids more stability, not having to go back forward, to feel more like TWO homes, have a more structured routine. Honestly if they live far away? IMO it's best interest of kids to just stay w/the parent that lives in the school districts, regardless of who it is and have the EOW visits. Then summers and breaks spend more extended time with the other parent-leaving SOME fun/vacation time for the custodial too.
My ODS dad is completely
My ODS dad is completely absent, and he actually has less struggles on a day to day basis then SD with the situation. Maybe partially because he was never around enough to bond to him as a caretaker, idk.
I would agree that parents can go awhile without seeing their kids and survive. My younger 2 it would be super hard (they're 9 months and just turned 2) if it was for like a week, but as they get older it gets easier IMO. I mean, that kind of how it goes anyway is they grow up and start to gain more independence and eventually move out
We don't have 50/50 and I
We don't have 50/50 and I didn't grow up with it, but I think in an EOWE scenario, the EOWE parent becomes marginalized as a parent. I suppose, maybe they wouldn't be if the custodial parent was truly open to co-parenting. In my experience, however, my DH has EOWE and he's basically a babysitter for BM or a "fun uncle" who is supposed to entertain the children when he's with them.
I know in our situation, 50/50 would be even more challenging because BM is so controlling and high conflict, but at least, maybe SSs would see DH as an actual parent, as opposed to someone who is supposed to just do whatever BM wants. When I met SSs, they would talk about "our parents" or "our mom and dad" and they were talking about BM and their stepdad, not DH. It was a bit heartbreaking for me and I'm sure it bothered DH as well. BM and DH hadn't even been divorced for two full years at that point.
Hmm...so I was going to agree
Hmm...so I was going to agree at first but thinking about personal experiences I also kind of think that in some situations that dynamic was already there to an extent. My DH only wants to be the fun uncle even with 50/50 *eyeroll* And BM had already established herself as the "real parent" and actually did more of what I now know are alienating tactics before they split then now.
I also truly believe though that there is NO situation where everyone wins in a divorce and in some cases a parent being marginalized could be better than a kid trying to handle alot of back and forth if they are one of the ones that struggle.
In my situation, DH did more
In my situation, DH did more of the caretaking before the divorce, because BM "couldn't handle it." She would leave the room when SSs were crying as babies and she spent many of their childhood years taking percocet and other "calming down" medications because she was "overwhelmed" as a parent. She basically wanted full custody for appearances sake - and also maybe for financial reasons. She still can't handle it and feels overwhelmed and rages at DH because she "has to do everything", but has never wanted to give him more custody.
Yeah that was actually my mom
Yeah that was actually my mom to a T, so I've seen that situation before too.
I also think that my SSs
I also think that my SSs might benefit from 50/50, because DH and I are far more stable and that would give them a sense that not every household has parents who regularly leave the kids alone on weeknights until 11pm, even when they are still in elementary school (BM's stepson has been left alone for entire weekends since he was 13), parents who expect children to do their homework and show appreciation for things, parents who don't throw a full-on baby tantrum to get what they want. Both SSs have such a skewed view of what life is really supposed to be like, because BM is such a mess and because she tells them all the time that DH is wrong and can't tell them what to do or she'll throw a huge screaming, baby tantrum at him. For them, I think seeing an alternate view of how life can be would be worth switching between households.
Whereas now, one SS just sees our house as "too strict" because I don't feel that he should stay up all night staring at his phone. I don't let him destroy things in our home and we don't just go on a massive spending spree every weekend to satisfy his every whim. And now that DH has stopped fighting with him to keep him coming to our home, BM has made it her mission to ensure he shows up and acts miserable EOWE. The sad thing is, he really does enjoy spending time with DH, when he allows himself to enjoy it and not fall into the trap of listening to BM tell him that DH is a terrible person and everything he does is bad.
Yep, this! My DH was a EOWE
Yep, this! My DH was a EOWE "dad," and he was marginalized from the get-go. BM already has a huge advantage just being BM. Just the way our society/ DNA works. So, dad basicallly winds up getting kicked out of the home, and then only gets to see his kids EOWE. He's not going to have much, if any, of a parenteral role after that.
I too think it would be difficult packing up every week and moving back and forth; however, to say to men: You have to just accept EOWE because you're a man, a bio-dad vs. BM, which is basically what it comes down to, is extremely unfair to bio-dad. Now, you can talk about how fair-unfair it is to the kids, but the most upsetting thing to them would be having their family apart, which occurs regardless. I think 50:50 is about as close to fair as the court systems can get, although it does create more logistical issues. I guess over time a couple of experts will have done studies on it and weigh in.
Being a SM, my biggest concern is that we just don't get blamed, dumped on as usual. Make it EOWE, 50:50, etc. Start with what works best for that family. However, don't expect SM to take up the slack if bio-dad or BM has an odd shift or something similar going on.
However, don't expect SM to
However, don't expect SM to take up the slack if bio-dad or BM has an odd shift or something similar going on.
This one of the things that pisses me off the most - DH patting himself on the back for having 50/50 when in reality I'm the one with her most of the time at our house. DH is still basically a weekend dad/fun uncle anyway so what's the point
I did it for 8+ years
Just a little background, my parents split when I was 10 and I live in Australia, this would have been about 1997. At first my parents had a weird I don't even know what it was but I can only think it was similar to what people describe as 2/2/4/4 custody swaps - THAT I hated!! We never knew where we were supposed to be, who was picking us up and this was all pre mobile phones and both parents worked so we would be in before and after school care and even they didn't know where we were supposed to be.
My parents were extremely horrible divorced parents - dad 100% tried to PAS us against mum at the start but that never even remotely worked and I could tell it made him mad. Neither would communicate except through lawyers or even in an emergency over email and neither would do a favour for the other even if it was for the kids.
They then moved to a week on/week off schedule which lasted for all my brothers and sisters (I was the second oldest) from 1997 until 2009 - only two of us ever opted out of week on and off - me at 17 in my finals year of school. Despite being the closest to my mum, I lived with dad - more freedom, room of my own, closer to my friends - but by then my parents were friendly and live less then 2km apart and I was very much left to my own devices by my dad so visited my mum as I pleased. Another sister decided to do move in with my mum full time at 14, neither parent ever contested.
Now as for the week on/ week off, as a kid I did not mind at all. You are adaptable, it becomes normal. I would have done anything to see ethier parent and my half sister (dad has when I was 14), so I was happy to move back and forth and none ever complained about the physical moving. It was hard at first to get used to forgetting stuff places, but I really believe that had a lot to do with my parents being really hateful towards each other and not cooperating even for us, so we would be too afraid to ask for things we needed from the other house.
The only thing I will say is, now as an adult, I look back and realise my childhood was not like other people's. I have no attachment to 'a family home' or houses. I crave having my own home and place and also love being alone when I can - I have a family of 9 including steps so that's part of it. I was the one in charge for my brothers and sisters and with my parents working to support us and not around as much I was 'mini mum' to everyone so my relationship with my parents as teen wasn't angsty (as I was a straight A, prefect), but I did what I pleased and this was because I had grown up so much before my time and having to rely on only myself and not ever relying on a parent I resented ever being put in a 'kid' role.
My husband seems to think I should be angry at my parents for how they acted/treated me/forced me into early adult hood... I could be. On the flip side I am a succeful, independent (with the exception of bloody stepkids!!) self driven person and I wouldn't be if it wasn't for their flaws.... so a little perspective I say.
With all that said, do I think 50/50 was the best thing at the time and probably still is. I have two step kids (now 15 and 19) and they have done this for the last 6 years - except the 19 year old who moved in with us 3 years ago.
Are there better solutions - Probably Do they rely on parents being able to be honest about what they can offer both financial, physically and emotionally - yes. Can most parents do that objectively - Hell No!!
i do believe that adults are more affected by the 50/50 then the kids are. They don't know any better, but we as adults do.
Just my ramblings, but hope it gives some perspective from the other side xx
Thanks for the perspective!
Thanks for the perspective!
So this might sound weird, but reading these is starting to make me think that maybe there is actually a little too much emphasis put on what's "best for the kids" altogether and it should actually be more what works best for the parents (barring extreme circumstances) because like you said, kids are adaptable. And as long as theres no abuse or mental illness they seem to turn out alright regardless. I guess that's kind of the way it was before the kid centric trend anyway? And is with most other things. Like kids dont get to pick if the family decides to move somewhere, or if they go to daycare, etc.
Totally Agree!! Happy parents
Totally Agree!! Happy parents = happy kids. That's why I would never advocate for parents to stay together for kids and I think thag mindset shifted 20 years ago thank god.
I truely believe any custody situation is ok for the kid, as long as a positive relationship is encouraged with the other parent from BOTH houses and this is where it always falls down. A lot of people can never put their child infornt or their own ego and it becomes a fight about time and ownership. That's where 50/50 falls down... it becomes a % thing.
If custody could truely be worked out as what was actually best for the kids, half the time we would have to go back to the moment of conception and stop it for that to truely occur!!
We are hoping that our next
We are hoping that our next duty station will be the same as my exes. We are all trying to work orders to do it that way. If it happens we will go to 50/50. My kids have asked that it be that way if we are able to live in the same town. Of course mine will be in high school when/if it happens.
If I was to pick a rotation it would be week on/week off. I would add in some kind of flexibility with a summer vacation so that it could be planned in advance and not too much worry over whose week it was technically.