He is right. He can't control where she goes, where she's invited, etc.

He can control his interaction with her. And if it's making you uncomfortable he needs to shut her down. If he has no interest in doing that then he really doesn't care for you like he should.

(((HUGS)))

It sounds like your dh is deflecting and gaslighting. You have a right to your feelings. No one can tell you they are not valid. Dh knows he is wrong. He isn't willing to acknowledge it or give up his "new toy" so instead, he minimizes you and your feelings. Convincing you that you are the one with the problem when clearly, it's him.

My advice, and take it as you will, would be to take a hard line with him and bail. I would distance myself emotionally and physically. If he asks why, say you need time to figure out what you want because right now, this "marriage" is not what you signed up for.

jojo - prepare yourself to leave, safe as much money as you can... have a back door open so to speak.

You feel there's something going on between them, prepare prepare and keep quiet....

Maybe DH just likes the attention, maybe something is up.....

DH is right you can not dictate this woman and what she does, but know what you can do... if you are at a function and she starts hanging onto DH, look confused and ask her... hey what are you doing, shouldn't an affair be kept discreet and see how they both react... guaranteed by you acting all cool and calm 2 things can happen...

or she will be offended and run for the hills... then no affair
or she will say something stupid, not thinking, like Oh your wife knows about us... affair..

at this point you will be well prepared to file for divorce

I am so sorry for how you're feeling.

I went through something similar after DH and I first got married. A coworker of his was clearly in love with him, and he loved the attention. She would buy him little gifts all the time, and they had very personal conversations. I wasn't comfortable with it, and while he was because he told me all of this, he refused to alter his relationship with her. I almost divorced him over this. The woman even left her husband for a while, and got an apartment in the same complex DH and I lived in early in our relationship. Coincidence?? It did end up blowing up in their faces when the woman fired someone, and the ex-employee dug up dirt on them and they were questioned about their relationship. DH was pissed. Things calmed down a bit after that, and then thankfully he got a new job.

It has been years since this all happened. I am now at a point where if my DH were to do that again, I'd leave. I feel so much healthier and happier not feeling quite so emotional about our relationship. I love him, but I know I can live without him. We are here by choice. I've said this outright to him, and I want to say it has helped him act better about us. It's just a feeling I have and not really something concrete, but it's still great.

It took years for me to get to this point. My DH's refusal to acknowledge my feelings was the worst. If you can prepare yourself physically and emotionally to leave him, maybe the fact that you would be willing to give up 9 years with him might wake him up. My DH NEVER acknowledged my feelings, so I had to work on myself in order to trust him again. His job change was key too.

If you are not hurting for money, the PI would confirm things for you, but it sounds like it will all come crashing down anyway at some point.

Again, I know how awful this must feel.

I have to admit that I have trust issues, but only because I have been that woman at the office (much younger and dumber me). 9 years is a long time to invest in someone, and especially if married with children. However, its NEVER too late, to start a new life. If you need to know, hire a PI, but I would just assume the worst and start preparing your "exit stage left" strategy.

JoJO - He is not going to change. You have approached him multiple times on multiple things. You have had confirmation of his denied activities being true. There is a relationship there, whether it is physical AND emotional or simply emotional. Either way, he is having an AFFAIR. Prepare yourself. If he was willing to work on things, you might be able to save your marriage, but YOU cannot save the marriage all by yourself. He has to be there with you!!!

So upshot is, be your calm self, prepare for the worst, and whatever your finances, get yourself independent from him TODAY.

Blessings.

I get the feeling that you are assuming that he has relayed your feelings to this girl? That he told her not to come to event? That he has told her that she needs to step back because you are uncomfortable. However, I also get the feeling that he has done NONE of those things and then is putting the blame on her "Oh I can't control where she goes" "Oh I can't control how she acts"

I really think you are being played, and that makes me sick. My exh was messing around for at least 2 years before I finally caught him. And during that time I gave him AMPLE opportunities to come clean, but nope, he would rather look me in the eye and lie to my face, than admit he was a nasty bucket of chum. I don't get this with men?? If you don't want to be married and want to sleep with other women, then why not just say so? Why the charade, why the sneaking around, why would you want to live like that???

You need to see your gynecologist and get tested for STD's. If you are still sleeping with him, starting using condoms. He may not like it, but your health is at stake. Even if he is not physically cheating, he is giving you every reason to think he is and you need to act accordingly.

You mentioned a lack of self esteem - have you considered some individual therapy for yourself? Maybe a counselor could help you see things more clearly and help you with your confidence level.