My morning epiphany...I'm *guilty* of guilt parenting
This guilt doesn't come from my divorce or my kids not seeing their dad much. I know this because I only "guilt" parent my BD14.
Background...BD14 is the girl in school who gets picked on, tormented and teased nonstop. She's the girl who has spitwads thrown at the back of her head, chewed gum placed in her backpack, and whispers made in every class about her. She hates school (can't say I blame her) and has few friends, none of which are actual close *best* friends (she never has friends over and never goes to friends' houses). So...she's got it really hard. I've fought tooth and nail the past couple of years with the principal, vice-principal, guidance councilors, even the district superintendent, making them aware of this and threatening legal action if it doesn't stop. While the physical teasing has stopped, the kids are still cruel to her. She goes to counciling EOW to talk it out and get advice, which I thinks helps some, but who could handle daily self-esteem bashing?
My guilt parenting happens because after all the torment that she deals with on a daily basis with her peers, I can't bring myself to constantly be down her throat about everything when she gets home. Example: She's supposed to do the dishes every day after school. 90% of the time, it's not done. FH gets so mad and calls me to tell me that she hasn't done her chores (he gets home before me usually). At that point, I should ground BD14 or give her some kind of consequence, but then, knowing what kind of day she's had (most likely) it's so hard for me to come down hard on her. I'm supposed to be her comfort zone...her "soft place to land". I don't want to be another source of emotional pain in her life.
Last night, she drank some of the rum in my cabinet. FH figured it out. FH has a history of dealing with alcoholism (BM died because of it, among other things) and blew up about BD14 drinking the rum. I told him I would deal with it, but now I'm trying to decide how to do so without making her life even more miserable.
All of this is causing issues with me and FH because he is all about consistency and routine and rules and structure...all good things that I agree with, but have a hard time enforcing because of how bad I feel for BD14 and all that she goes through. FH gets so frustrated that I don't ground her more or take away her phone, computer, or TV. I know he's right, too. She needs consequences...but I worry about pushing her over the edge. You hear horror stories about kids who get bullied in school and hate their home life and they do the unthinkable. I want BD14 to feel like, even if everyone else in the world treats her like crap and is mean to her, mom will still always love me and be nice to me and treat me kindly.
So there it is...I've read all about guilt parenting on this board (had never heard of it before) and just this morning, I realize that I'm guilty of it myself. I need some words of wisdom!
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jojo
I don't have words of wisdom. I can only tell you how sorry I am that your daughter goes through high school hell.
You are the person that knows your child the best. I don't think this is guilt parenting, I think this is trying to make one spot of your daughters life nice. And I've also heard the stories about kids that just eventually get pushed to far........
I would suggest that you, her, and your DH sit down and have a family meeting about whats expected of her. Let her know that you both love her, and if she happens to get in trouble for doing something she isn't supposed to, or not doing her chores that you will STILL love her, even while taking her cell phone away!
I think you and your DH are both right. She does need boundaries, maybe a softer approach to the boundaries though.
~all you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust...and sometimes a machine gun~
Thanks SMJen
The family meeting sounds good. FH actually stated that we need to make a list of rules and out beside them list the consequences of breaking those rules so that there's consistency and no question about what will happen if she does something bad. I think that list might be a great tool to use in the family meeting.
My daughter dealt with as school
She developed early and the girls started harrassing her at around the saem age. I grew to hate teenage girls and get angry to this day when I think about it. She is extremely sweet and didn't know how to fight back so soon they all joined in. I finally changed schools (lied about our address and used and friends) and she got on well at the new school.
I'd deal with that problem first if you can. I was doing some guilt parenting during that time too. I also got her involved in other activities to help her make other friends and build her self esteem. One thing I wish I would have done is counseling. Have you thought about that?
After that, I became more strict with her. Read "Have a new kid by Friday" that helped me.
"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"
Developing Early
This is exactly what happened to BD14. She hit puberty just before she turned 8!! This was traumatic for her obviously and the kids in her class didn't know WHAT to think. (By the way, we took her to an endocrinologist who put her on a monthly injection that pushed back puberty by a couple of years) Anyway, BD14 is also extremely sweet...she's so kind to everyone and that's what hurts her so badly. She said to me a couple of nights ago, "Mom, I don't WANT to hate these people that are mean to me. I want to just be nice to them and be their friend. They just make it so hard for me to like them because of how mean they are to me." All her teachers have told me that although she struggles with grades (who wouldn't with all this going on) she is one of the sweetest kids in their class.
She's very reclusive and I've tried over the years pushing her to join groups but she is just so afraid of rejection. I've done everything short of forcing her...not sure that is the right thing to do either.
She does go to counciling EOW...has been for about a year. She likes going and says that it does help so we're going to keep that going for sure.
I'll check out the book...thank you!
sounds like my little girl
And my blood is boiling as this is bringing up a lot of bad memeories for me. My little girl is grown now and doing very well. She met a nice man and they are engaged. She graduated from college and is doing well in her job so hang in there. She will be fine.
The problem is she is so sweet and kind, she keeps showing kindness to the bullies and unfortunately that doesn't work in school. I like your daughter already. I took her to Brazil and sent her to france. Changing countries and not speaking the language I think made her feel more brave. We went sky diving together. I took her water skiing and she made friends with the adults and kids in the class. I started a photo album of all her adventures. Can you go with her and be the bridge to help her make friends?
Bullying kids makes thems have low self esteem. I think the kids need to be protected from this very serious attack on their emotional welfare. I think they need extra help to rebuild what's been destroyed. I might even try home schooling if that is an option.
"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"
School
Well, as a matter of fact, she is enrolled in a different school this year. I found an alternative school that I HOPE is going to be a better situation for her. This school only has 100 students, 10 kids per class, so there's very little chance of bullying since there's such a high teacher-student ratio. The thing is, 2 years ago, I changed her to the school she's in now for this very reason. It was great for about half the school year, then the bullying started again. This basically taught me that there's going to be bullies anywhere. I can't just keep changing her schools because of this. SHE needs to learn how to NOT tolerate it...which is what her councilor and I are trying to teach her...to demand respect from others.
If this new school doesn't work out, I actually HAVE looked into what is called "Florida Virtual School." It's like homeschooling, only I wouldn't do the teaching...the instruction is all online and she could do it from home. We're going to see how this school year goes and go from there.
Oh I feel so bad for your daughter, but
what you are doing isn't making it any better for her.
By discipling her or setting rules as far as what is expected of her at home is NOT treating her like crap. In the long run she will be the one suffering from not having any structure at home. Again you are not helping her! You can do something(s) else to make your daughter feel better, but this no rules, no chores do when you feel like it etc.. isn't working!
Listen to your hubby or let him handle it!
"And this too shall pass..."
I know....
my logic tells me exactly what you are saying. It's just so hard to walk that line of gentle discipline because I know that it's never as easy as me just enforcing rules...it always ends up in a battle when I do and then I feel horrible because I've just made her life more miserable. Ugh!
If she chooses
not to follow your rules and she has been made aware of the consequences, then she is choosing this battle...not you. While it can be sad to see children do that to themselves, they all make themselves miserable as some point in the teenage years (and before and after). You will be the kindest, fairest wall to rail at for her. Let her test herself against you.
Be strong and firm and don't pity her. I can see your pity being acknowledged (and maybe she does too) as reinforcement that there is a reason why she is being teased. From what you say she is a smart girl, so for her mom to pity her may make her feel that there is something "wrong" with her.
While I think you should offer extra "girl" time with her, extra hugs, extra talks, maybe even take a class with her, etc., I don't think you are doing her any favors by being lenient with your house rules. Everyone has bad times at school. The best part about high school is that it ends. And the person you end up being is usually a far cry from the person you were in school.
My SD had an issue
that caused her to lose her close group of friends....now she seems to be scraping to get any friends she can even if they aren't the kind of people she would normally like. My point is, that friends seem to be soooooo important to teenage girls, so I totally understand yur dispair for how she has been treated at school and her lack of friends. I try to be sympathetic with SD, as she has gone thru some pretty bad crap this past 6-8 months, but I am strict wth her at home because this is where she will learn her life skills that will hopefully one day attract the type of friends I would want her to have. JMO, but sometimes, I think when u coddle them too much, u enable them to be the "victim".....also, as the child of an alcoholic, and having battled my own alcohol issues.....her drinking in yur home at 14 is a red flag that I think u might want to act on immediately through counseling. Don't beat yurself up for the "guilt parenting" part....we all do it at one point or another....maybe if u focus on her having strength to get thru anything, and do not allow her to be a victim, it may be more helpful. The fact that u even recognize your behavior in the situation is a plus for u and shows what a good job u are doing!!!
I wish u all the best!
"You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar"
Thank you LF...
I appreciate your kind and encouraging words!
The drinking will definitely be at the top of our "To Discuss" list for the therapist this weekend. On one hand, I'm a little more laid back about it than FH. At 14, I remember sneaking drinks out of my parents liquor cabinet and I never had any type of alcohol problem. However, I can totally appreciate my FH's concern, too, because he had to deal with BM's alcoholism for so long. And considering that more than likely, the *reason* she drank the rum could be because of her feeling depressed about her social situation (and not just as a *fun* thing to do), it will most certainly be discussed with the councilor.
JoJo, I was one of those
JoJo,
I was one of those kids that got bullied and teased all through school. It was horrible.. I assure you.. its like, you show kindness, or any eagerness to befriend these "kids" and they take it as a sign of weakness an they pounce.. I am sure she shows on her face and actions that their comments and words hurt.. that only adds fuel to their fire.
I am now 36 yrs old.. and up til my early 20's, I had issues w/being bullied (even in the workplace) as I let people know its bothering me, and it seems to get a good rise out of people. I have worked on changing my reactions to their actions... and I find that it works...
My suggestion, and bd14 might not take the advice right away.. but.. its to ignore these people. Try not to cry, even perhaps laugh back at them if they try (oh.. and its too late for the school she is at now.. this is for the next school...) to make fun of her.. so that they arent aware that it bothers her. If they cant get a rise out of her (as my mom used to say to me) they will stop. They will get bored that it doesnt work.
I too had to go to counseling when I was a teen, as I was angry about my situation. Now.. as far as how my parents treated me. I would say the same rules applied, that were always there, however, they were more gentle in their reminders.. Perhaps if she hasnt done the dishes.. hang out in there while SHE does them, and talk to her about her day. Make it a good one on one time.. eventually, she might find it cathartic to wash the dishes.. to let go of her horrible day.
While I never had chewed up gum put in my bag.. I had balls thrown at my head on the playgrounds, and then again in gym classes (these were in front of adults.. that always made excuses for the popular kids..), scrunched up paper thrown at me in class.. again.. at my head. I was beat up after school once for NO reason.. that is when I learned to fight... (oh.. and if you could get her to Karate classes soon, before she starts the next school, that might teach her some self confidence as well as self defense).. Name calling was relentless.. it was a parochial school, and often the boys and girls would try and lift my skirt...
Also, my mom made me listen to the words of the song Glory Days by Bruce Springsteen.. my ultimate revenge on those kids, was that I excelled in life.. and most of them DID NOT!!! I do remember the horror that the rest of the country felt after Columbine happened.. I remember thinking.. well.. that was bound to happen some day.. the way that "popular" kids treat the "outcasts" and the way the school administrations look the other way.. time after time after time.
My heart goes out to your daughter.. I was that girl.
I'm totally teary-eyed now...
It's just incredible to me that parents don't teach their children how to RESPECT other human beings. I threaten the school; however, it's really unfortunate that the school is held accountable for kids who haven't been taught things that should have been taught to them by their parents. I hold the school accountable for her SAFETY, but I can't expect them to protect them from other kid's dirty looks and excluding her from groups. This is what my one *big* meeting with the district superintendent was about...getting an anti-bully system into effect in the school. I even volunteered to head up the darn thing...just to get something in place that teaches children 1) that bullying will not be tolerated and 2) to help other children you see being bullied.
Anyway...I digress...she's starting to do better with ignoring them. I think it's just already established that she's "the one" to pick on at school so it's going to take time for that to wear off. Hopefully starting the new school is going to help...that's what I'm praying for now.
I told her once (after my 10 year high school reunion) how some of the most popular kids in my high school were now total "losers" and how many of the kids that were picked on were now attorneys and doctors...she got a kick out of that, so I think that did give her some hope.
I did have her in karate at one point but she didn't want to go anymore. BD14 isn't really into anything that's physically strenuous! lol She begged me to let her stop and I gave in (probably shouldn't have).
i feel you
on this one. I was CONSTANTLY tormented. It was horrible. I ended up being a "cutter" for most of my teenage years and had to get plastic surgery to fix all the damage.
my mother was a great parent when it came to discipline and routine and structure. That just made me cut even more. JoJo, I'm not saying your daughter will ever resort to that kind of "anger release" but in my opinion, even though it's good to give her chores at home, your FH needs to understand that doing the dishes or not doing the dishes is the LAST thing you guys need to be stressing about in regard to this child.
The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957
BD14 actually HAS cut...
only ONCE, several months ago, and they weren't deep...just scratches. I'm not trying to make light of it, but I think she was just curious. She had an online acquaintance who did it so she tried it. She hasn't done it since then (I'm watching for it) unless she's doing it where I can't see. That does worry the crap out of me though and it is something she talked about in counciling right after it happened, which is why I think it hasn't happened again.
keep a close watch
if she tried it once, she may do it again if it gets bad enough. I used to do it on my arms in the winter (long sleeves)...then I did it on my stomach a lot too and my thighs a couple times, my mother never knew until she happened to be looking at my arm and my sleeve slid up by accident...I had already been cutting for about 2 years before she realized it.
I'm honestly not trying to scare you honey, it's just really important to notice even the tiniest things.
The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957
Thank you BBB for that....
I will definitely watch very very closely.
Just a thought
Bullies are like step children that have been PAs'd. The more I tried to be kind to skids, the nastier they got. When I finally got angry and started ignoring them and working on relationship with DH, they took a new interest in me. Somehow being nice makes people think they can control and be nasty with you. Interesting I think
"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"
BD14's councilor says that...
bullies are 99% of the time victims of bullying themselves. Usually it is by an older kid such as a brother or cousin, and sometimes they are bullied by their own parents (abuse). She says that bullying is about fear and power...when a child fears that their power is stripped from them (by being bullied themselves) they often attempt to regain that power by bullying others in return.
I think you are right, that ignoring them is the best way to go...and I think that BD14 is doing better at that now than in the past. The problem is that on the outside she can ignore it and pretend like it doesn't bother her, but it still stings on the inside. She's tough as nails at school nowdays...but she comes home and it's clear how bad it hurts her.
I think bullies are the one thing in the world that should be
gathered together and ran off to a island all of their own where they can pick each other apart. What honestly makes some people think it's okay to publically harrass and belittle others? I mean c'mon, what makes THEM so much better than your daughter? Nothing at all. I guarantee you that your daughter is a MUCH better person than those losers will ever be.
Sorry to get upset on your blog, but I'm just so sick of bullies thinking they have the right to do this to nice people. To ANYONE. Stupid supid stupid girls.
~all you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust...and sometimes a machine gun~
Oh trust me SMJen....
I have been dealing with the bullying situation for many years so you're free to get upset about it...I've taken on a mini-crusade against bullying. I've talked to the founders of many anti-bullying groups (check out jaredsstory.com and bullypolice.org), got advice from BD14's councilor and even from local police...heck I even wrote a school paper this year about it. As passionate as I am about it though and as much as I've researched, I think I'm still failing in this one area as far as handling the normal discipline for BD14.
I wouldn't say you are failing, just a little behind! ;)
But since you are aware of it, and the effects it has on your husband do something to change it. The rule board was a great idea, so is to stand there and talk with your daughter about her day while she does the dishes. The person that wrote that was right, eventually it will just because part of her "let it go" routine. Remind her, even if you do it a touch softer, of the rules, etc. I think you got this, you just needed to hear us tell you! LOL
~all you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust...and sometimes a machine gun~
Advice for your daughter
When I was grwoing up, we moved every year on the average. Bullies pick on people the think are vulnerable. Being the new kid and 5'2" tall and 98 lbs made me a frequent target.
So I learned how to deal with bullies very quickly and today am frequently called a master politician at work. Avoiding being bullied usually means you must send the bully a strong message the first time they go after you. Nip it in the bud!
When someone attacks me at work, I muster up the nastiest attitude I can and stare at them with pure hatred when I tell them off. It's a little weird sometimes because I am short and it may be some big guy but whatever, he'll find someone easier to mess with. Usually they give me this shocked look and leave me alone after that.
Bullies will try to get other people on their side against you. When you are a new person, you need to actively build your network of supporters. Establish yourself as a person with friends. the more you can network and be seen as a person with support, the more likely they will leave you alone.
When someone attacks me, I act like I couldn't care less what they think and usually say something equally nasty back. Bullies are big babies, if you laugh at their yellow teeth or big ears, they don't like it all. It amazes me that they think it's okay to pick on you but can't take it all when you slam them back.
I know this will be hard for your daughter, she sounds like a little dear. it's not easy for me either but I learned to do this to survive. Please keep us posted on how she is doing.
"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"
Oh jojo
I feel your pain. My son is almost 5-6 inches shorter then every other child his age! He is also as skinny as a tooth pick. VERY smart straight A student in the gifted and talented program. But the other kids pick on him constantly!
It too breaks my heart as he is a sweet, loving child who tries his butt off and gets teased left and right!!
If a kid says something to him, DS says nothing back at all! But comes home and is a wreck. One kid found out the best way to get a rise out my of son is to say really mean things about me!! My son is a momma's boy (and proud
) He can't stand anyone saying or being mean to his mom.
This is one of his BIGGEST things with SD because she chooses me as her target. ***SIGH***
I am not sure how to help him in any reguard!!! Jojo this all sucks. How come people don't care when the raise their children to be mean to another sweet life