You'd said before that they were known to you.  Could you have a discussion with them to highlight their son's abusive tendencies?  Would they be open to the negative feedback and open to addressing the issue with their child?

" On the 2nd day he messaged her calling her every name under the sun! She was a wh*re and was sleeping with 3 guys at a time, F her, she is a liar- on and on! "

Ask your daughter what she'd advise a friend to do it she came to her and told her this. See if  you can't get her to look at the situation from another angle. 

Get her into therapy now to talk through this. See if your local DV shelter offers any resources for teens. Let the school know this happened and ask them to keep an eye out for poor behavior on his part. He does anything like this again, you call the police for harassment.

You are right that you can't stop her from seeing him, but you can continually point out his abusive behaviors. You can definitely not facilitate their relationship. And you need to have a chat with your son and explain that you WILL NOT let it go and that he SHOULD NOT let these things go if he sees or hears them from others. You also need to let your ex know of the situation.

Your daughter needs to build her skills to walk away from d-bags like this BF. Find professional help with that.

I know they are teens and there is all this passion and angst, BUT, if you do a poll of the men you know and love, how many of them would have EVER called their high school girlfriend on a FAMILY vacation a wh*re, a liar, and accuse them of sleeping with 3 guys at the same time???

My guess is that it would a very rare occurrence.

If a man will resort to those kinds of vulgar names and assertions, it's in his character to demean women.

Only one man in my life has resorted to those kinds of words and it was my covert narcissist ex husband.

This is a sign of poor character.

So the boy apologized. What's he going to DO about it? He needs to be in therapy too. And your daughter needs to learn about abuse and what that looks like and how it escalates.

How about volunteering at a women's shelter? Speaking to professionals (therapist, school counselor, ob-gyn)? Doing some independent research on the topic?

What happens the NEXT time (because there will be one)? Has she set a boundary with him?

I was in your DD's shoes way back. My mum did everything in her power to break up my BF and I. It worked a couple of times but we would just get back together and it actually backfired on my mum because my BF and I came back stronger and stronger and ended up engaged. 

When you're being abused in a relationship, it isn't enough for someone to forbid the relationship or try to break them up. What your DD needs is therapy. She needs to develop a connection with her worth and find out why she is putting up with this asshole's treatment of her. There used to be a poster on here who would remind us that "you accept the love you think you deserve." It lies within a person's subconscious. Your DD is young, so it's the perfect time to totally circumvent this as a long-term pattern for her. 

In the end.. I can understand your frustration.  My YSD at one point calls us and tells her dad that she has this "wonderful" new BF.  She is waxing on about how he dresses so nicely.. from a good family.. hard working (last a joke we now know).. etc..

My DH recognizes the guy's last name.. and asks if he is X and Y's son.. she say.. oh..yes daddy..you know them?  

He said.. well I can tell you he isn't from a great family.. the last time I saw his parents.. his dad was dragging his mom up the dock by her hair when we were having a party on my boat. 

So.. he warns her.. this kid.. has not had the best role models.. (mom was a bit of a round heel with guys who had ahem.. party favors... dad was abusive to her).. and he tells her to watch out.

Wasn't a few months later there is this big blow up because he accuses YSD of talking to other guys.. and sends her a whole text of what she is and isn't allowed to do.. erase all male contacts from her phone.. and subject herself to constant invasions of privacy.. and you know what? she stayed with him for a while longer before he got tired of her not being a good enough suger mama to him (apparently he was mooching too).

ugh...she is now married to a lovely guy.. but sheesh.. some gray hair over that one!

Is she on birth control? This is the kind of guy who is going to pressure her for sex and refuse to wear a condom.

I'm with you, I would have a hard time letting this young man in my house knowing how he talked to my daughter.

Had another thought: is this kid's parent(s) in the military? If so, I'd make it clear that if they don't get their son under control, someone's command is going to get a call.

He called her a WHAT? HE SAID WHAT?

All stop right there. Glad he is not allowed into your home.

That twit would never see my daughter again either.  I don;t care that he said he was sorry. Slow clap for him. 

You have access to counselors on base, right? I would arrange a session, two or three AND give them the heads up to what twit said. The skilled therapist can help her understand, what he said was NOT emotions getting the best of him.  Even though I am sure you also told her the same thing. 

So sorry. 

No quality parent would tolerate a POS in their home or dating their child.

I applaud your banishment of this POS from your home.

Get your daughter on Depro or Norplant to minimize the chance of this POS polluting your gene pool and your DD ruining her life.

I agree with ESMOD - your daughter needs to be "device free" for future trips. I would have a hard time not forbidding her to see him. If you ever see any bruises, especially on her face or arms, please don't let her see him again. This boy has some real issues. 

I would have her watch this;  https://youtu.be/6RkDadVIIlI

My heart hurts for her. I've had a partner who tried to ruin ANYTHING fun I did without him. From the smallest thing like brunch with friends to huge bucket list trips. If I went without him, he would find a way to upset me so that it was ruined. It didn't get any better over time. After the fact he would love bomb and gaslight me to the point I thought I'd imagined how badly he'd behaved. I have so, so many regrets for letting that go on.

I think you're absolutely doing the right thing by banning him from your home. You can't make them break up, but the more inconvenient the relationship is for him, the better. I'm sorry your trip was tainted by that asshole kid!

I advised you in your last post to break them up and not worry about your daughter hating you or being upset at you.

Now things have escalated from physical to narcissistic abuse.

He knew she wasnt doing anything but since he cant be part of the cruise, he ruined it by emotionally abusing her and then love bombed her right before coming back

The next step: isolation. Your daughter is going to start turning against you and your family to take his side and "protect him"

Your daughter is under a strong strong influence....if you dont act now, the wolf will devour the lamb

Your next card: the father needs to get involved. ESPECIALLY if you are not with the father. Your daughter might be seeking male attention and validation in the wrong place due to lack of strong male figures in her life....

I wish the best for this situation but its becoming scary from what you are telling us in your posts

Having raised two daughters who, more than once, hooked up with unsuitable types, I can fully sympathize with your distress. I hope that I'm not stepping out of line when I question if your DD's damaged breast, as a result of her terrible accident at 14 years of age, has lowered her self-esteem to the point where she is willing to accept an abusive boyfriend? Perhaps that is a concern that could be addressed with her therapist.

The courage that she displayed after her near-death experience gives me to believe that your DD has the strength of character to ultimately break free of her bullying boyfriend. It’s also possible that the little shit will dump her for a new love interest; that’s the sort of behaviour one can expect from such a POS!

Hang in there Hon and please keep us posted; we are all here for you!

It makes me so frustrated and angry to just even read this. I can't imagine the emotions you're feeling. How much did your kids remember about your past relationship that ended badly? Maybe work it into a conversation about how things went badly for you so your daughter doesn't feel like she's being attacked while also giving her some home truths to munch on. 

Hmm.

Gee, I wonder if living in a society where women are frequently referred to as sluts/whores, criticized for their appearance, the way they dress, the sound of their voices, their sexual history, whether or not they choose to procreate, their lack of culinary/housekeeping skills, whether or not they choose to have a career, controlled on whether or not they are allowed to get needed medical care, public discussions about whether they should be allowed bodily autonomy, whether they are competant to make their own decissions, shamed for having periods, denial/trivialization/tolerance of workplace marginalization/discrimination/harassment, treating them as objects, etc, has anything to do with the abuse of women.

Everyone needs to think about their roles in this. People on this board frequently use the same words as that POS boyfriend.

My daugher was in an abusive cohabiting relationship in her twenties. All I could do is let her know that she was loved and she deserved better. Telling her to leave or criticizing her partner would not have worked. The only thing I could say was that she didn't deserve what was happening and it was not normal. But secretly, imo, it is all too normal. Once she got out of it, she said that was the only strategy that would have worked. Knowing her family was waiting for her was what she needed to get through.

Her father is a diagnosed narcissist with major misogynistic tendencies and she has been stuggling her whole life.

If I had a minor daughter living at home I would tell the boy's parents, for sure. And he would not be allowed in my home. Bring the school officials up to date on this topic and have them keep an eye on her at school. These texts should not remain private, he should be publicly shamed for what he did.

I have told every man that was my boyfriend that I'm not a private person and I'm not the kind of woman that will say, "Oh I fell down the stairs."  I'm the kind of woman that will say , "The SOB hit me."  

When I was in my twenties, my roomate and I got up early to go to the gym.  I came home to notes that read just like the texts saying I must be out whoring and sleeping around and that I probably went to the clubs last night and didnt come home, etc.  I showed my grandparents that lived next door.  My mom.  My coworkers. EVERY SINGLE PERSON knew how he behaved and what he said.  So guess what?  HE is now on the sexual offender registry now in his late 40's.  He's an abusive jerk all alone and divorced.