I think SO may be gun shy now...
After the gigantic disappointment with lawyers and SS13 not coming for any part of Christmas I think SO is afraid to be disappointed for spring break. Apparently the only 2 things that were agreed upon when they were in court a year ago (and yet to have signed into an order) was that SO would have spring break and "part" of summer. There is a so called sweet spot for buying plane tickets and based on SS's spring break that will be in about 2 weeks. I have been checking the prices daily and they are horrible right now... as in with the unaccompanied minor fee around $950.
Anyway, I told SO that he needs to make sure that BM is going to send him if we buy tickets. He needs it in writing if she refuses (or agrees and changes her mind). The judge did already say that spring break was definitely supposed to be with SO. However since SS is 1300 miles away if BM refuses to take him to the airport there isn't a lot when can do until she says she won't. It's not like we can just show up at her house. SO isn't texting or e-mailing her. I have reminded him a couple of times and he gives me the most defeated look and a sigh and an "I know... I need to do it..." I think he is just still so crushed and afraid of rejection again.
I don't know how to help him, or really what to say. I am aggressive when it comes to my kids and I just can't fathom the mentality of sitting back and letting something happen. I am total type A and take control of everything... It makes me good at my job but sometimes hard in a relationship. He is easy going so we work well together but this is driving me NUTS and my anxiety can't deal with the unknown and unplanned for. Any advice to give him a kick in the ass and tell him to suck it up and he won't know what will happen until he does send the message? I mean we can't fight a "No" if there is no question asked! I have a very thin brain to mouth filter and really do need a gentle way to at least start the conversation... LOL
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I am really sorry about this
I am really sorry about this situation-being 1300 miles away from his child must be very difficult for DH. However, although I understand how you would want to support your DH in this I'm not sure how much control you have. Why can't DH go to see him? Wouldn't this solve the issue of the airfares? Or book a spring break together somewhere closer? I think you are getting anxiety over something which isn't strictly in your sphere of control- so I think all you can do is be honest with DH about your own feelings. Tell him about how anxious it is making you feel about the unknown and that you want the matter settled. No need to be aggressive at all.
We did go see him for
We did go see him for Thanksgiving and we will be out for older SS's graduation in May but going out there isn't always an option. SO is in the Military and only has so much leave he can take. SO's mom is moving away from SS13 state. As it is she lives an hour and 1/2 away. BM tried to dictate every moment of time that SO has with him while he is there. It is just a nightmare and we need a cord cut.
I've noticed sometimes with
I've noticed sometimes with my SO if I start naming what I think he's feeling, like: "I can see this is making you anxious/worried and I just want you to know Im here for you, and if there is anything I can do to help I will. You deserve to see your kid and you don't deserve this. But you will feel better when you _________." It usually cracks him open.
In would also have it pit in the CO that if BM doesn't bring SS to the airport or he misses the plane she is responsible for any unreimbursed funds related to SS's travel.
Your DH is the o ly one who
Your DH is the o ly one who can dictate the kind of relationship he has with BM and his son.
If this defeat is his way of giving up, you won't be able to kick him into gear, gently or otherwise. As much as it may pain, this is something HE has to do as a father.
I know you can't fathom not fighting for your kids, but the reality is that you're female and have it a lot easier than fathers do when it comes to access to your kids. Dads get shafted, repeatedly. They get old by judges that they are better off as ATMs than as parents. They get old by cops that they won't enforce COed visitation if BM refuses to release the kid. They get told by society that they are dead beats if they don't see their kids more than EOWE. They get told by their exes that they are worthless and watch as they introduce new men and hoist them into the father role because BM is usually CP. They get told by their kids that they don't want to see them or spend as much time with them because they establish lives elsewhere and don't want them interrupted.
It's years of being beat down by a system that hasn't traditionally supported them. I'm not saying this is always the case, but when it happens, the human soul can only take so much. His son isn't dying or being mistreated, and many NCP Dads I have met with HCBMs suffer from martyr syndrome and sometimes PTSD. All that combined will make men give up because they think they are doing what is best for their child by letting them live a conflict-free life.
Let him figure this out and support whatever decision he makes. He isn't making a decision because it's easier on him. He's making it because he thinks it's easier on his son. Unless your DH is willing to go into therapy to address this, and unless a judge is willing to actually hold BM accountable, then this is going to be the dynamic of this relationship. The only thing you can control is whether you can live without controlling it.
Every bit of this. My DH went
Every bit of this. My DH went through the airline and HCBM nonsense. Most people don't have weeks of vacation and have to work for CS. The POS BM here told DH she isn't working with his work schedule...but if she even thinks CS won't be there one month the lawyer threats come out. How does that even work? You refuse to work with someone's work schedule, berate them because they aren't taking visitation that you are refusing and then demand monetary support. It got to be too much for DH and he couldn't afford wasted travel fees and fights in court to get the already ordered visitation (which wouldn't have happened anyway because BM's dad was a chief or something of police there). DH can't afford a fight by himself, it would have been my money supporting that and I'm sorry, I have kids (no CS from sperm donor), living expenses, student loans, etc of my own. NO WAY IN HELL is my money going towards all that.