I'm not sure I would feel like it was an absolute death... because in that case.. there is zero hope.. but it certainly is a loss of the years and the ongoing uncertainty.

He had to drop the rope to an extent.. but there, of course, is still the chance that some time down the road.. his son will want to reconnect.. when his mom's pull and control is less powerful than it is.

It is awfully hard to buck the system when you are 100% reliant and beholden to someone which he is.  His only option was to do as mom directed.. that's not to say that her poison pills didn't have an affect on how he feels towards dad.. he may well be angry at him.. and not want to know him.. but it is not necessarily a forever thing.. and when he becomes more of an adult.. I would still be reaching out as a father to my son.. even if it's just unanswered cards on his birthday.

His son isn't dead.. and people who have actually lost a child. might strike a nerve.. He could say he is mourning the relationship.. the connection.. the time lost that can not be recovered.. I would stop short of saying it's death.

When SS gets away from BM.   Reading to the court how hurt he is isn't going to do anything.  Court will say, if he didn't divorce this would not of happened.  If he married the right person this would not of happen.  He screw up his life and wants the court to fix everything the way he wants it to be.   I know life is unfair.  We all want some one to fix everything.  

I was in the somewhat same thing. My DW married a loser, someone who didn't want to pay support didn't want to see his kids. Actually could not show up in court with out a few drinks.  How do you ask for visitation when drunk. ?   Because of her mistakes it fell onto me.  This because I love you, doesn't mean I love your kids. Common topics here. 
It's hard to love someone else's kids, not like a bio parent does. 
 

I don’t think court is the correct platform to do something like this, they are there to hear a case based on facts and make a determination.  All the feelings and emotions mean nothing to them and only serve to waste time on an already full docket.  Perhaps writing down all those thoughts and emotions and saving them someplace to be provided to SS at a later date should they begin to ever mend the relationship. 

I think writing feelings down is a good idea. It can be therapeutic. I know people who have been to rehab where they have written letters. But, they didn't send them. I actually wrote a letter to an ex boyfriend once. I wrote it. Rewrote it several times. And then deleted it. I found it therapeutic. I recommend writing the letter. Then tearing it into small pieces or burning it.

I think that DH reading anything in court would further embolden BM in her stance. I'm sure that she LOVES that she has destroyed your DH. Don't give her the satisfaction. 

If your DH feels so inclined, have him write a statement/letter to the judge that can be mailed to the judge or the clerk's office. That might be able to give him some closure in this terrible situation without satisfying BM. 

A judge's job is to give his opinion (within the confines of the law).  It takes a certain amount of personal arrogance to do that.  And they have to maintain some amount of healthy arrogance to continue to do that.  They know they don't get it right all the time.  But if every time someone thought they got it wrong they wrote a letter the judge would either ignore it, say oh well I got 99 right, or believe that you don't understand and that you're too close to it to see that what he did was really right.

That doesn't mean you're wrong.  It means it's very unlikely that the judge will or should believe that he's wrong.  Write it and burn it.  I wanted to do the same thing to a therapist years ago who absolutely KNEW (and admitted it verbally but wouldn't write it down) that allowing BM to continue on a path she was travelling was horrible for SK.  Years later it proved too much for SK and s/he left BM to come live permanently with DH.  But damage was done and may never be fully erased.  Telling off the therapist would do no good.  She did what she did, and she would likely do it again.

For what it's worth I had an estranged child for a while.  Got in a bad situation and cut off friends, family, every support person that had ever been there.  Until one day a crack appeared, we were there and they reached out.  Within months the relationship started solidifying and now they see what we all saw.  Child was in their early 20's at the time.  I truly hope that your SS gets out from under BMs influence (in school maybe, or in marriage), reaches out to the two of you and over time he gets his son back.  It doesn't always happen, but it does happen.  Teenagers are turds.  Young 20's aren't much better.  But eventually he may see DH for the dad he tried to be.

I can relate. I am so sorry for your loss. I feel the same way about my mother, who I have not spoken to in 15 years. I had to think of her as dead because she was not willing to change her hurtful behavior towards me. I couldn't change her so I had to write her off. Some people don't live well with uncertainty - and your DH may be one of those people. This is likely his best way of coping.

My mother recently was diagnosed with dementia. She doesn't remember much, and forgets it within an hour. My sister told me she still thinks I am not speaking to her because I owe her money. ( I paid that debt when I was 32, so she obviously doesn't remember the real reason I don't speak to her. It would be pointless to try to reconcile, because she would go back to her prior memory of me within an hour. My DH said I should write her a nice letter, telling her I love her. This way she can re-read it when she wants, and feel better. I might do that. I have forgiven her and I don't want her to suffer any more.

Anyways. I just wanted to say that maybe this is how DH needs to process his loss. It might be less painful for him. I wish you both the best. I hope he can one day reconcile with his son.

And is almost always permanent even into adulthood.  Chef has at times stated that his 3 kids (and what was once his closest relationship, his only full blood older brother Including most of his half siblings) are dead to him as they almost all took the Girhippo's side in the divorce. 

My DH just spent the weekend with his daughter who once told him she wished he would die so she could dance on his grave. They had no contact for several years and she finally came back around. His situation was similar to Tog's. I don't have anything to do with her, and he realizes things could again change, but for now they are back to having a relationship. I would tell your DH it is ok to mourn, but don't lose all hope.

As far as the letter to the court - write it but don't read it in court or send it. The court doesn't care and there are too many ways it could backfire.

the Spermidiot or SpermClan. Visitation was it.

He only asked once to extend summer visitation. That was the summer he turned 18yo.  DW agreed to allow him to stay in Spermland for his 18th B-day.  To minimize the risk he would choose to stay in SpermLand after reaching the age of majority, DW made sure to be in SpermLand for the agreed pick up date to make it far more difficult for SS to tell his mom he was not coming home.

He did not tell her that. I flew out a couple days after DW picked up SS and we had a family vacaton road trip across the country returning home.  A few days into that trip, SS told us he knew that his mom had come to get him so he would have to tell her to her face that he was staying.  He also told us that he knows who is family is and were his home is and that he was never intended on staying in SpermLand.

Since your SS is now 18, thought the dynamic has changed, there is no need to tolerate crap from him or from the opposition.  I would also be okay with sending the Judge the letter. After all, there are no more hearings to deal with... unless you are in NY where DH is on the hook for 3 more years of CS. In that case, wait until SS is 21 to send the court the letter.

I think in the end.. if he wants to write something to be cathartic.. for himself.. that's fine.  I know the Judge was potentially the "last line of hope" he had to force a connection with his son, but ultimately, it was not the Judge's fault that BM waged this war on his relationship with his son.. in hindsight.. even your DH made some missteps when it came to setting the stage for it to be as successful as it was.  Your DH's career also fed into the incredible difficulties he experienced.. along with a legal system that is weighted towards mothers.. and his own pee poor lawyer.

So.. yes.. the Judge and court system missed opportunities to try to hold BM accountable (not the word TRY).  But given the logistics of custody.. the boy's age.. their ability to do much really was muted.. I mean.. when you violate a CO.. what will the court really do?  give you a stern talking to? order make up time maybe? in extreme cases.. put you in jail for contempt? (has anyone on here actually ever seen this happen???).  They want people to be adults.. get along.. fulfill their legal obligations.. and not involve the court in stuff unnecessarily.  When people don't behave? they may or may not really be able to make any difference.

So.. again.. court is where this ended up.  I would hazard a guess your lawyer's bungling of this coupled with the distance of your DH.. and him being the "man".. combined to put him at the most disadvantage.. the court tried to rule on what they thought they had to in front of them.. BM obv had a lawyer able to spin the best story... knew how the system worked best.

In the end... you are down to financial wranglings.. that honestly is a whole bunch your own lawyer's fault.. it isn't the judge's job to research stuff.. they make decisions based on evidence in front of them.. without opposing actual evidence from your lawyer for her earnings.. etc.. the judge wasn't buying your side of that equation... your lawyer should have had it all presented in a neat package.. and even now is hoping for a last minute surprise request for documents to be available in time for the hearing.. good luck with THAT.

so.. I think writing the judge will be a mistake.. you never know if you might have to be in front of the same guy again.. this may not be over.. it is tempting to want to make a statement... but I would refrain.

My DH has/is going through the same mourning process, he's further along now though. But it's hard to mourn a still living person who is choosing to not be involved with him. While I have a bit of hope, it's only like 1% that she'll come around when she's older. She's 19.5 now, done with her first year of college and is back at BMs for the summer. Not a word to DH. She's always been a vindictive, mean spirited person even when young. I don't see her changing, esp. because of what I know about her now (and DH chooses to not look because it will hurt him) and what my SIL knows (SIL dislikes her shockingly poor behavior as well and doesn't hold much hope either).

DH's counselor has helped him navigate the process and come to some kind of terms with it. Although, because she's alive, those milestones still hurt.

I think he should write the letter but keep it on file, not send it. DH keeps a journal and that's helped him a lot too.

My perspective is that of a SM who's watched her DH suffer through the death of one child and estrangement from the other two.

I think OP's DH is coping as best as he can. The legal part of his situation has drug out far beyond the custody part, and the poor man had to find a way to keep going. His coping strategy may seem harsh, but it makes it possible for him to get out of bed and function each day during this period of limbo. To me, it's similar to people who, after losing a love one, chose to believe that person is "away", out in the world somewhere rather than face the awful truth. 

JMTB's DH likely won't feel this way forever. He's just doing what helps him survive for now.