I hear ya on this one. I try hard not to let things bother me including the BM and it's hard. For me, the reason it bothers me most is because she can go out partying all the time, treat them like toys at her own convenience yet everything my H and I do is always planned with the kids unless need my in laws to watch the kids, she doesn't pay anything, uses her medical problems as her excuse to get out of things and sadly most times it works.

If anyone does have an answer to kaffonseca's question, I'd like the answer also.

If you ignore it for five or six years maybe it'll stop. Maybe. But in the mean time you look like a big ol whimp for not standing up for anything. And it will eat you alive to have to sit there and take her handfulls of bs with a smile on your face.

I just don't know. I know when the BM calls us at 2am to ask how to get her daughter to go to bed, I'm none to happy. It's like alot of the BMs constantly do stuff to get at us, how do we not let it?

I'd like the answer as well.

~Happiness is defined by the smile on your face, not the frown on others.~

Thats what I try my best to ignore. I really don't have any say about what happens with my SD's, so I try to stay out of the mess most of the time. Unless it's just to my DH, ya know.

But she attacks me on a personal level to. It's mostly personal! She does what ever she can to get under my skin and I have to sit there and take it. I hate it to..........and I have no advice. I just know it sucks.

~Happiness is defined by the smile on your face, not the frown on others.~

Had you posted this post last week I probably would have responded with something mindful and eloquent...BUT since this post fell after a weekend of HELL with BM I would be lying if I purported that she didn't GET TO ME. I am normally very good at handling her and her shenanigans. Sometimes it just gets OLD because it really doesn't have to be like this. All she needs to do is focus on the kids. Do her part for them and let me do mine. I don't interfere with her so she should return the same respect and let me be.

I totally get that it is on a personal level and how frustrating that can be. I've had BM say that I am not even "half qualified to be a SM." Mind you that I have raised her kids longer than she has before, during or after the divorce. The kids are thriving under my care. The kids are happy and responsible kids with me. Do we bump heads....Why of COURSE. But we usually get back on track rather easily.

BM has said that I am on "death's doorstep." What an AWFUL thing to say. I have battled a chronic illness that was deemed terminal since 1998. Then in 2000 I got the diagnosis of another chronic illness added. I have fought with every fiber of my being to beat the odds and have as I have lost most of my friends that I knew to the disease. I am alive and well and healthy with minor limitations but far exceeding any hope that the Drs had for my future. Problem is that the illness that I have...BMs mom had it. BMs mom was diagnosed too late. She died rather soon after being diagnosed. Even more ironic is that the VERY Specialist that I see was the Dr. in charge when BMs mom died. AND that we were diagnosed within 6 months of each other. Talk about small world. DH was the link that put that together as he had knowledge of all things concerning MIL since he was married to BM during this time. I think BM has displaced that fear, anger, emotion onto me. Maybe even she secretly wishes that I would die. IDK. Whatever it is that is SUCH a horrible thing to say to a person or about a person. I can't stand BM as the day is long, but I would never wish death on her (a disappearance maybe ) but never death because it would be most difficult for the skids. I may have no use for her, but they do when they can get her to remember their existence.

A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G I say to BM is scrutinized and made into a federal cae. YET DH, SS or SD can say the EXACT same thing and it be welcomed with open arms. So trust that if anyone knows the frustration of unwarranted personal attacks I do.

I am normally good at ignoring her and going on with our daily lives. I have learned to let comments fly unless directed at me. I stop the kids before they repeat ANYTHING that she says about me. I lessen my interactions with her. I make it a point to be there for the kids and still keep my distance. When we go to school/sporting functions I sit back and support. I don't get into a pissing match about whose the mom. I already know that SHE is the mom but I am the one standing in those shoes. She can go out and pretend for the whole world that she is this great and wonderful mom. In the end I bellieve that people see through that facade. They KNOW that the kids live with DH and I and have for nearly 6 years. They KNOW that the BM is not the driving force behind the children excelling. She is there at every chance if it will garner her attention. Yes it sometimes pisses me off, but I KNOW what I do and I don't need outsiders to stroke my ego to make me feel that I've accomplished those things. SHE does.

It can and oftentimes does get easier. Time is definitely a teacher. You will eventually get tired of the drama and find your own way in dealing with BM. For me it is totally ignoring her and her games when I can. Find another focus and give it time.

It used to get under my skin that BM would call and feign concern or complain about what I cooked for dinner when all she did was feed the skids fast food. I mean I would literally cringe when her name showed on the caller ID. Now I don't answer the phone. If the kids do, fine. If DH does, fine. I just DON'T deal with her! I removed myself out of that equation. I do what is necessary on my behalf for the kids and leave all else be. I am only in this spot that I am in now (this past weekend) because DH is away and I have to deal with the idiot.

Anyone can take the easy way out and blame others. BUT it takes a a person of character to take a look at one's self and actions and own responsibility for their part. ~ ME ~ }:-P

Every time I read one of your posts, my heart just goes out to you and what you deal with on a daily basis. I too have chronic illness, but one of them is controlled by medication (severe asthma) and another is more of an illness that is not life threatening, but a pain to live with every day and a self esteem killer. ANYWAY -I just always read your posts and feel that your family is lucky to have you and that idiot of a BM that you deal with deserves a good swift kick in the a#@ and teeth! Kaffoneseca - I hope that you can just tell yourself and have us tell you on here that what you are doing is what's important and that BM is the loser in this situation. And, as the kids get older and realize what BM is all about, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you are doing the right thing and staying true to yourself... Does that make sense or sound too preachy? One more thing that always helps me feel better though, is by taking little teeny shots here and there while SD is out of reach. Ones that BM can't even really argue with, and do it with a smile on your face, so that she is not sure of your intention. Is there anything like that that you could say to her that would confuse her? Like is this an insult? Confusing BM and/or putting her in her place passive aggressive sometimes really does put a smile on my face! I'm sick aren't I????

from getting under your skin, BUT I do know it's possible not to let her see that it does. She is trying to get a rise out of you - and you've given it to her on the proverbial platter. Next time she honks - do nothing. She is trying to engage you with her sh*tty behaviour and attitude - DO NOT ENGAGE WITH HER, SHE WILL NEVER STOP IF YOU DO!!

Next, you have to stop taking it out on your DH. She's an idiot psycho bit*ch. He divorced her for a reason, and that's probably one of them. I'm sure if she knew that you and DH fought about it afterwards, she would be positively glowing. Do not take out her bad behaviour on him! Let him know that yes, it p*ssed you off, and although it may SEEM like you are taking it out on him, you're just using him as an outlet to vent. The next time, you may want to use that as a disclaimer before you say anything to him you may regret later. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING would please BM more than knowing she's getting between you and DH.

Lastly - vent here!! That's what this site is for. Better to vent here, and get it out of your system, than allow BM to rent anymore space in your head. If or when you see her, just smile and nod. It will take time, but the less you react to her, the less she will do... eventually...

JMO

be a duck and let the water roll right off your back. When you see her you have to teach yourself to turn a blind eye and have a deaf ear!!
You have to tell yourself I will not stoop to her stupid azz level and fall for her childish games. You are the bigger person! You have what she has always wanted happiness with your husband!
I have been called every name in the book by the BM. You will learn you will Have to learn for your own sanity. She is an ugly ugly person and you have to be able to mentally handle her because if you don't you will snap and it will get physical.

Be a duck!! Quack Quack!

"And this too shall pass..."

You can let BM get to you but don't let her see it! BM pisses me off like clockwork but I'll be damned if that whore ever sees me upset on her account. What I do to keep the peace with BF is bitch to others rather then him. I have a couple of friends that I can call and talk about my issues with BM.

I hate doing it, it goes against my natural being not to retaliate! But when the crazy loon decides to get all Jerry Springer on me, I just calmly look at her and say, well you've chosen to end the conversation again. Of course she doesn't stop trash talking, but I just look at her and calmly state, "I've warned you before that when you chose to be disrespectful to me or conversations will be over." Then I calmly turn around and hold my head high (not obnoxiously so) but walk away. She of course runs after me and screams and cusses and gives orders. Sometimes I will calmly say, "I don't take orders from you, so you need to be quite, there are children present." By this point, I'm in my car and driving off. Granted the last time she was so out of her mind that she charged my vehicle (moron!) and I ended up calling the police on her, one b/c I'd had it with her and two I truly believed she was a danger to herself and to the kids.

After doing this several times over the phone and once in person, I haven't spoken with her. She doesn't WANT to speak with me and I firmly believe it's b/c I put VERY strong boundaries on her last summer and I have NEVER budged an inch. Sometimes with these loons we have to be true Hard A**es! That doesn't mean we have to stoop to their level, nor do I think that God wants us to allow them to beat us up and abuse us mentally. We aren't dogs, we aren't the enemy, we are the step-mothers.

What these ridiculous BMs don't realize is that I doubt one of us ever sat around saying, "Oh please God, let me be a step-mother!" No we wanted our OWN families, we didn't want this shared crap, but that's the lot we've chosen/been dealt. I firmly believe the crazy BMs act like this b/c they are insecure, angry, bitter, insane, and various other reasons. At first I took it all personally. Then last fall when she went totally ape on me, I realized this had NOTHING to do with me...she's just a very jealous and insane person...it wouldn't matter who DH had married -- she would hate them and ATTEMPT to put them through the same hell!

What she never banked on was a person like me! I honestly believe I am the first person to ever set boundaries with her and continually enforce them! She's used to manipulating everyone in her life and I just don't allow her to do that to me. I see her for what she is and I don't let her nice attitude when she wants something fool me into thinking she's changed. I fell for that ONCE! And I stress the once!

Don't get me wrong I still think she's a vile waist of human life, I would love to have a wand that would just make her vanish, but regardless of how hard she tries to or even if she does succeed in upsetting me, I NEVER let her see it. It's honestly the best revenge for someone like this!

your face and keep your heightened level of happiness and her ignorance in her face all of the time.

That is how I do it when I have to interface with THEM.

If she honks at you when you are driving around town, put a big ass-ed grin on your face, lean over and give her the flutter the fingers wave transitioning to the one finger "she's #1" solute. Then drive away from her with your head back laughing happily.

It will drive her F'in crazy and you will be in control of her rather than her being in control of you.

When you have to speak to her at all chuckle a lot and when she says something ignorant tilt your head back, laugh and say "Oh BM, your sooo funny!!!!!"

She will understand exactly what you really mean and she will blow a gasket.

Pissing off the blended family opposition is a sport and keeping their stupidity front, center and in their face is fun.

And never, ever, ever let them see that they can get under your skin.

That's how I do it.

Then I come here and vent.