Disengagement turning into APATHY
I can't help but notice all of the members who are blogging this week, so maybe it's just a bad week for everyone with the holidays and cold weather coming.
I have absolutely HAD IT with being "in line" behind my adult SDs and the MIL. As I have stated, I have stopped complaining about it, stopped trying to talk to DH about it (if he doesn't know how I feel by now, he never will; we've been together for five years).
One blog describes it as a one person square dance where you make two steps back, perhaps none forward, etc. I am SO SICK of adult SDs, MIL, making holiday plans, plans to attend sporting events, etc. BEHIND MY BACK. Of course, if I say something, I'm over-reacting, so I've just resorted to making MY OWN PLANS and avoiding the chaos.
But something happened that has just pushed me into the world of apathy. For WEEKS, I have been combing sites, etc. to get tickets for the World Series. DH is just as into it as I am, we've gone to many sporting events together, huge sports fans.
Well, don't I find out that he and his DARLING DAUGHTER(29, by the way) have been in cahoots TOGETHER trying to get tickets. Don't you think he could have MENTIONED this to me??? As we have been saying here, this is almost INCESTUOUS. I feel like I'm having an "affair" with someone else's husband at this point! Don't you think she should be trying to get tickets with her OWN
HUSBAND and NOT MINE??? Am I overreacting? Why is finding tickets with her DADDY so important? It's not like I wasn't looking, it's almost like she had to jump in the middle because, God forbid, daddy get tickets with "another girl" (HIS WIFE!!)
first.
I stand by the claim that if you're "hiding something", you know it's not right. By the way, they BOTH managed to score tickets for a game during the week, but I don't even want to go. I really don't feel like missing work to hang out with "daddy and his baby girl"...I can only imagine when they come around to take pictures...will I even be "allowed" near daddy?
I'm tired of fighting this battle anymore. I think I'm just going to live MY OWN LIFE, and let things just die due to attrition. I absolutely cannot STAND being near DH at this point, and I think the relationship he has with his "girls" is BEYOND twisted. It is downright SINFUL.
Thanks for letting me vent. I needed it.
- KittyKat's blog
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wow. So I assume he knew
wow. So I assume he knew that YOU were looking for tickets for it? Because you said he was hiding that he was looking for tickets, did you tell him that you were looking & him not tell you in return that they had been looking for them? Were they looking for tickets for just the 2 of them & not inviting you?
Of course he knew!! He was
Of course he knew!! He was checking out prices with me! And since it is the World Series, it's kind of you get what you get.
I'm HOPING he was looking for tickets to get for me, but if they only managed to get TWO (they did get FOUR), I don't know if I'd be going!! My point is, he could have TOLD ME he was looking for tickets with her. This is NOT THE first time this has happened, he "consults" with her about many things, and I think it is sick. Of course he gets all defensive and says I'm 'overreacting", as it seems MANY of us get on this site, but I don't think you get "defensive" over somthing unless you know
you have to DEFEND yourself because it's NOT RIGHT!!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
SO sorry, KK
I don't know what to say about that. You're SO right. It's the secrecy aspect- the sneaking around behind your back that makes it so...creepy and just wrong.
Why on earth couldn't he say something to you? I know you've told me in the past what big Phillies fans you both are. I thought this was something that you did as a couple. It does seem like she's trying to drive a wedge in between you on purpose- and he's letting her! I just don't get it.
I feel so bad for you right now. PM me if you need to. I think we really need to meet, girlfriend. Sooner than later!
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
TWISTED...
Very, very twisted....with a capital "T"
ick
I agree if your hiding it your lying. My FH did this to me Lied then told me I overacted) and I blew a casket, to this day his still doesnt feel like he did anything wrong--
what he did is wrong and very inconsiderate
kick him in the balls..JUST KIDDING!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Kick in the Balls!
Right now his "balls" and all thoughts of his anatomy make me
wanna PUKE. This is just too CREEPY for me. Thanks for sharing
your incident!!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
How to fix it?
What if you said, you guys' relationship is oddly close and a little perverted! with all the secrets etc. How would you like it if I did that with your brother/friend/etc.? Is there anything I should know about? I have said this before to an old boyfriend about his cousin, and he was so grossed out he went to great lengths after that to avoid giving that impression.
Another 'favorite' of mine is You need to decide who you are married to! Why don't you just date/marry/etc. (their name)?! I know, I'm a terrible b*tch! but it works and now I don't have to say it any more (for now!)
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Mine, too!
Another 'favorite' of mine is You need to decide who you are married to! Why don't you just date/marry/etc. (their name)?! I know, I'm a terrible b*tch! but it works and now I don't have to say it any more (for now!)
-------------------------------
You're right, Most Evil, that DOES work! I've used it with DH one two occasions (now isn't that sad?)
First, it was with his ex. He was jumping whenever she called or emailed or texted, etc. She cheated on him, treated him like garbage, hosed him in the divorced, and continues to treat him like crap, but whenever she would beckon...he'd jump!
Finally I'd had enough. I told him that if he wantedt to have a relationship with her, I'd gladly divorce hime and they could get remarried and live happily dysfunctionally ever after.
It stopped him in his tracks and the behavior immediately stopped.
The second time was recently with his "Darling Princess". I told him I was not going to be a second wife to his 16-yr-old daughter who treats him like crap. That if they wanted to be a couple together, then he's going to be a very lonely, sad man, because if he thinks SHE'S going to be there for him through thick and thin, then he's f'n kidding himself.
He got the message.
Sometimes you just have to say those things. Shock works.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Been using that one for awhile
As I've mentioned in several posts, my DH (and I'm sure it's not just MY DH) has boundary issues with EVERYONE. He lets everyone walk all over him, says "yes" to everyone in his beloved (loony)
family, so that's my new spiel....let THEM start paying the bills
around here. Let THEM listen to your work problems, hang out with you.
I told him this morning NO MORE. (I really don't think that HE thinks he's doing anything wrong in NOT telling me things) So, as usual, I have to treat him like a "baby" and tell him "Planning things, doing things with your DAUGHTERS or ANYONE ELSE, for that matter, without discussing it with ME is WRONG. If that's the kind of marriage you want, then I want out." He promises that nothing was done intentionally, that he will let me know everything that's going on from now on, yada, yada...
We'll see. In the meantime, I'm just starting to care less and less about the whole nutty bunch of them. Moving on with MY OWN life might be the way to go. When he realizes "Hey, I really think she's getting sick of me and my stupidity!...I'm sure he'll "smarten up really quickly!"
But, will I still have
feelings left to "care?" Who knows, and right now, I don't care.
Thanx for your insight!!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
Kat, I feel alot of the same way you do
My H has two boys (12 and 13) who are getting the same treatment that you're describing. In fact, what's completely gross is that before I had fully moved in, the 12 yo was sleeping in my bed occasionally when he had nightmares! I put my foot down on that immediately because it is sick, wrong, and proably illegal or something. The relationship these men have with their children, sons and daughters, are completely inappropriate. I also feel that some of what happens is incestuous or something because I have been excluded and made to feel alone.
The thing about my crew is that the boys will exclude their dad and spend time with me alone while he's working. We have all kinds of fun and laugh, and dad isn't around. And that really irks him because he feel excluded, isolated, left out, etc. When the shoe's on the other foot, these guys don't like it much.
I really feel your pain Kat, and I'm so sorry you've had to endure so much. Even though our situations aren't entirely similar, I can completely relate to your feelings.
It sounds like the SD in your case is way insecure. She must be working some serious abandonment issues. And control...it sounds like she is way, way controlling. Whatever is causing her problems, she's old enough to know better and behave better but your H reinfoces her bad behavior. So, he's to blame, and you're probably mad at him for the most part...at least this is what I've come to realize about myself and my situation.
Your H will never change,that's a fact. You're doing the best thing you can for your own sanity and pride.
Hugs to you.
Thanx,lil T!
Your insight as to the SD being INSECURE is right on, and I
really hadn't considered it before. Absolutely. She is terrified of not being able to CONTROL things, and 'daddy" is
probably the last thing left she can still try to control (she
sure as hell can't control me!!
That is great insight. I am so glad we have this site so we
can look at each other's perspectives.
Regarding your two teen boys, I guess gender really isn't an issue, but is it possible that your H is afraid the boys might
"like you more?" and be closer to you at some point? It's
almost a reverse of what my SDs do...I think they try to CONTROL and isolate "daddy" because they're afraid (especially the oldest SD) that "daddy" isn't going to put them "first" ever again.
Hugs to you, too!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt