it's a huge deal trying to raise someone elses kid even your DH's and the fact that DH doesn't understand your concerns about the fact that you will be doing everyhing for SD is a red flag of things to come.

and its a HUGE decision to make....hopefully in yur case yur BM will get her act together and resume her motherly duties....mine didn't..12 yers later we still hav them full time with no visitation or support from BM....it all comes down to the sacrifices u are willing to make, teach,,,AND.....and this is huge....u have to make sure u and DH are on the same page regarding how to raise this child.....I was 100% willing to assume the mother role for my skids...but I would not have done it, if my DH had not been on the same page as me regarding, discipline, structure, money, etc.......u see how so many here struggle so much when they and their DH's have two extreme parenting styles......it is a lifetime of sacrifices, not that many thank-yous, u will probably be verbally abused (if not more) by the BM the more u assume the mother role for her child....I no longer have my own life....but what I can tell u is that its exhausting, but there is satisfaction in knowing that u are busting yur ass to raise a child that may not have been a productive member of society if u had not "stepped" up...it takes a while, but eventually some little thing happens that reinforces yur faith that u are doing the right thing...think long and hard on this one.....its one hell of a commitment....my best piece of advice...make sure yur FH is on the same page about everything....let him know what YOU expect from him during the course of this.....and follow yur heart!!!!.....I wish u well.......its a HARD life....but it can be a GREAT life....

"You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar"

"You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar"

Would the daughter be going to live there, if you two weren't together? and the dad didn't have anyone else?

I was in the same situation and stood by my man and supported him. It is ruining our marriage. Yes, you guys should do what is best for the child, but you aren't the parent and should not be raising the child!!! I basically raise my ss9 by myself. Mom (who was supposed to have her child every weekend), takes him for 1 day of the month if she even does that, I mean 8 hours, not overnight and rarely calls. Mom also doesn't pay child support. Dad is out working all of the time including weekends so that leaves me because my husband doesn't have family here. My ss9 has major behavior problems, and my husband does not back me on my discipline, he says im picking on his son which has turned our home into them and me. I feel like a stranger in my own home and have no relationship with my husband at all. With all that being said, I am still expected to take care of his son. Seriously, think about this long and hard before you commit.

If you are not willing to take on these duties full time indefinately for no appreciation or reward...then don't start. It is harder to make changes that require your DH to take on more responsibility as time goes on if you have started out by raising his kid for him. It is much easier to take less responsibility now and add to later if you WANT to. Do not put yourself in the situation where you will resent him and his daughter. That makes for a strained family dynamic. If you, as a couple, are going to take on his daughter full time then he needs to adjust his schedule. His job should understand. Once he has made adjustments, if you want to help out, then do so. If you do all the adjusting for this, you will end up disliking him and his daughter and that is not fair to either of them, or to you.

His daughter needs, not only a stable home, but a loving one. Can you give her that if you resent your DH and her?

Yes, what would he do with her if you weren't with him? Would he have to change jobs or adjust his schedule...then if so...he need to do it now also. I think he's asking a lot of you when your not even married to him, but probably good your not at this point. If you do decide to do this, you need to lay down exactly everything that you each expect the other to do. Such as if you have the child during the week while he works late, then he does everything for her on the weekends to give you a break. And try to get the BM to have weekend visitations if possible, that way you both have a break and are spending some time alone together. Be happy she is as young as she is and not older and has a lot of PAS.

BM went to rehab for what was supposed to be 6 months. FH worked on the road at the time 10 days on 4 days off. The first 2 or 3 weeks were hell with me going from NO kids to 3 ALL the TIME. I didn't work at the time, so it was an adjustment, but I made it. I had FH's mom and stepdad to give me a little break here and there. Anyway, it only lasted for 3 weeks because of course BM left rehab and wanted her children back.

Fast forward about a year later, I told FH that if he didn't get custody of his children or at least try, I would leave him. I couldn't stand worrying about them while they were in BM's care. The kicker was, he had to get a job close to home so that he could be a parent to them. I would not be taking it all on again.

And that's what we did. He got a job in town and I did too and he got custody of his kids. I make sure and not let him get too comfortable or take for granted the help I give him and them.

So, I guess what I'm saying is, don't do it. He has to adjust his schedule. I understand being a team and taking care of one another, but make sure he's pulling his fair share especially since they are his kids. Perhaps you could do a trial run of a couple of weeks. Tell him since you're on kid detail, he gets to do all the housework and the grocery shopping - bill paying, banking, whatever it is that you were able to get done before attempting to take this on. Also make sure you have someway for a break for the two of you like another responder suggested. Skids go to their mom Thursdays and EOW - and sometimes I live purely for those days.