BM's in the SH*TS now! And other various rants...
Well, it's been about 5 months since we last got the skids - 5 months since BM's thought our method of discipline was unacceptable for her precious illiterate bully of a 12-yr-old. And by "unacceptable", I mean "we're not allowed to discipline him because we follow the basic rules of normal society". So, after much ranting and raving like a madwoman, she told DH not to pick up the skids (which unfortunately included SD10) until "further notice".
Quick recap from June: SS12 was bothering SD10 and BS6 all day; when SD10 decided to ignore him (which was very mature of her), he started to really go after her - he called her every name in the book, tried hitting/kicking her as she walked past him, etc; he even openly disrespected ME, which threw DH over the edge. SS12 got the talking to that he so needed and was denied the same treats that DH got for all the kids. Maybe that was mean, but we do NOT reward bad behaviour in our house. Once the skids got home, BM flew off the handle, accusing us of "abusing" the kids and that we "had no say" as to what goes on in OUR house (umm...EXCUUSE ME???). She claimed that she was an "awesome mother" and she's "doing just fine raising HER kids"...and meanwhile, SS12 is in the background, yelling for DH to "shutup" and that he "was going to smash his car"!!! (I didn't know whether to laugh or be horrified...Laughter won out!) After some choice words, she denied access to the kids for the summer (and it was a GREAT summer!)...
FF to the present: BM graciously allowed to see the skids again - and is it a coincidence that it's their bdays? I think not! DH and I think that it's secretly because she's in the sh*ts financially, so she needs to put on a civil face so DH won't lower her CS (she's getting more than she legally should). She (foolishly) disclosed to DH that she's backed up in her rent (by at least $1700) and had to go to CAS for help to buy food - and now, her case has been re-opened (insert "I told you so" laughter here - not about the skids having no food, but about BM now being broke after boasting to DH about the hefty cheque she got from the gov't, which she wasted on brand name clothing and rent she couldn't afford! Oh, how the Mighty Stupid have fallen!) Anyway, long story short, we got the skids back this past weekend. And let me just say...nothing has changed. SS12 is still the big ol' bully, but SD10 is still as mature as she was the last time she was here. Not sure why, but she was quick to divulge some interesting information to us (un-coerced, mind you):
1. BM told her and SS12 that DH "has no say" (in his own house) - and you wonder why SD12 acts the way he does! BM's basically told him that he doesn't have to listen to ANYONE! SMH
2. BM told her that "Daddy beat up Mommy when she was pregnant with SS12" :jawdrop: Yes, she actually said this! If it were even true, the skids wouldn't even be allowed by LAW to come over. And I've been pregnant TWICE with DH, and not once has he laid so much as a HAIR on me! But the skids are too young and impressionable to really pick sides or question what BM tells them.
3. They got a THIRD dog - and you wonder why she can't afford to put food on the table!
4. DH's SD13 (from BM's previous one-night stand before she met DH...and she never comes over anymore) is leaving foster care to live with her maternal grandfather again, AND he's taking DH to court for her portion of the CS - I'm sure this has BM all in a tizzy as that's where her extra money comes from, yet she STILL can't afford to pay for anything! Her cheque will be short by $300/month now. DH has no problem whatsoever signing over that money, if not cutting it off altogether (he's not her biodad, so he has no obligation to pay for her anyway; and she doesn't even acknowledge him as her "dad" anymore).
5. SD10 and SS12 both have FB accounts now - just today, SD10 sent DH a Friend Request, which he reluctantly accepted. We know that it's monitored by BM, but DH accepted it for SD10's sake. BM won't find any dirt on us, anyway, so it's fine. She can see all our wedding pics and our nice house and the trips we go on (because we SAVE our money) and seethe with jealous rage - it's HER pity party. I saw HER pics when SD10 showed them to me and I gotta say, for someone THAT unattractive, she sure takes a lot of pictures of herself :sick:
*All this info, of course, went into the "Vault" for safe keeping - I'm getting quite a nice collection BTW*
Anyway, to sum everything up, we're only getting the skids once a month for now, which is fine. The next time we see them (on the wkend of Dec 20th), we'll be celebrating our Christmas with them and they'll be getting their presents. I've put my foot down about them taking home their presents (we're getting them each a new tablet) as I don't want their mother selling them to pay for stuff that CS should cover.
Overall, it's just funny to me how quickly one can fall when they're on their high horse, but that's what BM's do, isn't it?
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Comments
Why in the world is he paying
Why in the world is he paying more than he should?
He needs to go to court and have the CS decreased and only pay for the kids that are his.
Huh? Am I understanding you
Huh?
Am I understanding you correctly that your husband allows his exwife to dictate when he sees his children, for how long, what/how he can discipline his children, yells at him if he actually plays the part of a father? In addition to all of the above he pays her more child support than he should, including on a child that is not his, and who has been in the Foster care for a period of time: with mother not supporting, so he is just handing his ex wife monthly shopping money?
Your vault is worthless unless you actually use the information in it to better your situation. If your husband is not willing to step up, drop his ex wife into the bin of the past, force her to abide by the co, parent his children, only pay child support for his children and then a reasonable amount: then your issue is with your husband. You can complain all you want about BM but your husband is the idiot writing the checks, handing over his balls, man card and self respect on a monthly/weekly/daily basis.
It sounds like a lot of exes
It sounds like a lot of exes I have known...predictable pattern. I stay out of any kind of parenting of Skids (was initially ordered to and later kinda found that it releases me from that burden), and I stay out of saying anything related to his ex. ANYTHING. For their birthdays, have their father take them out to dinner and stay out of it. Well, that is what I would do. I noticed that every time I suggested ANYTHING, I WAS the bad guy. Nowadays I say nothing and guess what- hubby is seeing everything exactly the way I saw it.
If one of the kids acts up, the other ones that are being bullied are rewarded by something special (like- let's give him a break to cool down and we can go to the other room and play a game or story time or a trip to the park or even the Movies). I don't really punish a lot of bad behavior, I reward good behavior. Don;t let this kid get into your head.
As for BM, stay out of it. Don't diss her, but don't get into her games (tell your hubby "Sweetie, I am sure YOU know how to handle her/skid" and go get your nails done
Thanks, exhustedSM. "Hate
Thanks, exhustedSM.
"Hate BMs that do not allow good dads to be dads."
I appreciate all the
I appreciate all the comments, whether positive or negative.
Concerning the CS, I agree with all of you, that he should only be paying for his biological kids and only what his salary dictates...but I have no say in what he decides (as much as that would anger most of you, I'm sure) - it was all decided before I came into the picture and it's really none of my business as long as it doesn't affect our home life and our 2 boys, which it doesn't. I don't agree with the amount she's getting, especially with the way she spends/wastes it, but that's her problem. If she can't feed the kids one month, oh well. I keep hearing about the courts not caring what she spends the money on (ie. getting her hair and nails done, the fake tans, etc.) as long as the kids are being looked after...and honestly, if they weren't, they'd be living with us right now. I believe there SHOULD be a law where the BM has to provide receipts to the court to continue getting the amount they're getting (to prevent them wasting the CS on themselves), but sadly, there's no such law (at least not here in Canada). BM's dad is going after SD13's portion now, so at least THAT will be put to good use. We're not hurting for money, and none of it comes out of my account, so DH is at peace with the fact that he's doing HIS part and providing for his kids.
Imagine if you had to cut off a child who you've known pretty much since birth, and have raised as your own, and has had so many problems growing up. Would YOU honestly be able to consciously say to that child "No, I'm not paying for you anymore. You're on your own"? I hope most of you wouldn't be so harsh.
With regards to BM not letting DH see the kids...it actually wasn't such a bad thing. BS6 was being influenced too much by SS12, so we agreed that the break would probably do him good. BS6 is quite impressionable, despite our efforts to steer him on to the right path - treat others with respect, use your manners, etc. Anyway, I've had the impression that as long as he's sending his cheques, he doesn't HAVE to see the kids (ie. if BM witholds them). All the courts care about is that the kids are getting their CS. Anyway, I thought a lot of you disliked your skids and would rather they stayed home than come over to your house to disrupt the peace :?
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"Am I understanding you correctly that your husband allows his exwife to dictate when he sees his children, for how long, what/how he can discipline his children, yells at him if he actually plays the part of a father?"
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And BM doesn't "allow" him to do anything - she can bitch and moan all she wants, but we do what WE do in OUR house. Show me a BM who doesn't fly off the handle the minute her parenting skills are questioned.
Anyway, that's MY response to these comments. It's a complicated situation, as they all are. No one situation on here is cut-and-paste. We're all here to vent our frustrations and see that we're not alone in all this craziness that is called step-parenting.
Thanks for reading!
PS. O/T - It always seems like when I post, I always get the more negative comments while others get all the positive support (mine included)? I may be wording my sentences inaccurately, but I always seem to attract the members who feel the way we do things in our house is somehow "wrong" or that we're the ones who are "inappropriate". (And yes, I know I'm opening myself up for criticism whenever I post!) I come here to vent like the rest of you - I'm a stepmom, too, with difficult skids and an even more difficult BM. We should all just NOT JUDGE each other (ie. "your husband has no balls - for "allowing" BM to dictate things") - every situation is different. I thought I was keeping it lighthearted and humorous. *shrugs* IDK, it's just something that I've noticed lately, and not just with myself...OK, I'm done now!
Sorry, but it's hard to feel
Sorry, but it's hard to feel sorry for people who lie down and allow people to walk all over them.
Your husband has the power to end pretty much everything you vented about.
Mom withholding the kids~ take her ass to court.
Over paying CS~only pay the correct amount for your BKs
Mom trying to ruleb your home~ tell her to go jump in a lake and continue to do what is best for your home.
Your husband can shut this down at anytime.