What a great morning!
I slept on the couch last night. DH and I have been arguing about the skids lately. We had a major blow out with SS15 on Sunday, and DH has refused to talk to me about it. Last night, he promised our son, newly turned 8!, they would play Legos, but SS15 called and needed DH, so DH took off without telling me.
SS15 is staying with friends for a few days while we work some things out regarding his blow up. Seems kinda like a reward, but heh, he's not in my house right now.
But we can't work it out if DH wont' talk.
I started asking him questions about what he and SS talked about. I explained that I was frustrated because I want to be allowed to sit in on any decision making discussions. Dh answered a few questions, was very snippy and told me he was handling it all, and he'd let me know what I needed to know. Then he had the nerve to fall asleep.
This fueled my anger, and the questions I wanted to ask kept growing. I went out to the living room to try to get some sleep. I have no idea when I finally drifted off.
When DH left for work, he woke me up and he asked me why I was on the couch. I explained I was angry that he wouldn't talk to me, but rather than wake him up and continue, I was nice enough to let him sleep.
He told me there is nothing to talk about. He's going to take off work this afternoon and spend time with SS. he leaves with his other siblings to see bio-mom toorrow. DH says when they get home, he will be allowed to come back home. I asked DH if I had a say in this, since most of the attack Sunday was aimed at me, with SS calling me a b%$^# and asking DH why he married me, and well, you know the drill...
DH said SS was coming home and there was nothing to discuss...
I don't agree. It's my house too. In fact, it is my salary that pays for the house each month. DH lets SS get away with everything and the other kids suffer for it. DH is a good, kind man, but he gets blinded by his kids. I am hurt that after SS outburst the other night, DH didn't come and comfort me, "I'm sorry he said those things, etc." DH just keeps looking to blame someone else.
BTW- I do see a therapist to talk out these things. DH went with me for a 2x a month for several months, but finally quit going. Said he didn't like it when he just felt like I was attacking him. Therapist and I both tried to tell him it wasn't attacking if you are pointing out the truth...
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Your DH
will not stop this behavior unless he has no real choice. Obviously he doesn't feel that you deserve a say in your own house. You've been to therapy, and it hasn't helped. Time for drastic measures.
I think you have to decide whether you are willing to continue to live just like this, with nothing changing, in order to stay married to this man. Sit down and really think that through. If you aren't, then you will have to do something that will wake him up to how serious you are and how far downhill your relationship has gone for you. By this I mean, CALMLY sitting down with him, and telling him that you are not and cannot be happy with things the way they are. If he gets defensive or starts to yell, etc., just keep talking calmly. Tell him that you are thinking of ending it. Explain what would need to change for you to stay. If he rejects this/resists, starts telling you it's your problem or there's NO problem, then calmly stand up and say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I would really have rather worked things out with you." Tell him you are leaving with your son to stay with a friend/family... and then go to your room and calmly pack your bags.
My guess is that this is what it will take for him to start listening to you. He may not have the wherewithall to grow a pair and start treating you like his partner, but he will be forced to at least confront the reality that you are so fed up with his behavior that it is destroying his marriage.
Tired-Stepmom, this will take a lot of strength and a lot of courage, but in my experience it's a lot better than waiting around and watching your marriage disintegrate slowly, which it already is doing.
HUGS!
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)