He absolutely should see a psychiatrist, I'm surprised he hasn't been referred to see one. At my clinic, we would ensure that any kid with suicidal thoughts saw a psychiatrist, even if they weren't prescribed meds. But if his depression and suicidal ideation are persisting, it's a wise idea to consider meds.

My sisters both did IVF, so I know how grueling and stressful it can be. I'd suggest yes, stop it for a month or two (I can't remember how old you are, but I think early-mid 30s, so you have time?) until you can get settled in the new house.

I don't blame you for being a bit resentful that your life is being upended this way. Even though you care about YSS, it's just one more way that ET's failures affect you.

I just wish I could give you a hug! You have such a big heart to take all of this on. Make sure to keep taking care of yourself during all of this. Infertility takes such a massive emotional toll on it's own (It took me 2 years to get my son), add that to everything else and it is a recipe for a break down. 

I hope that your SS's new therapist is going to start being able to make some progress. Has she suggested any medication for him yet?

My guess is that BM wasn't parenting, leaving this kid to feel unruddered most of the time.  That's a scary feeling to start with, and then layer in a pandemic, being a freshman, and now the drama of moving, it's no wonder the kiddo's a mess.

I'm glad he's in therapy.  I hope he's seeing the therapist regularly (like weekly) and not periodocally like so many try to do nowadays.  (SS11's therapist is maybe monthly, unless HCBM is trying to prove how terrible DH is, then it's about every 2 weeks).  It would be wise to have him see a psychiatrist, but if you can't get in ASAP, take him to his PCP.  With depression and anxiety, they may be willing to prescribe medication, as well, and can coordinate with the psychiatrist, when the time comes.

Oh, and school.  I wouldn't worry so much about school if he's this bad off.  I would struggle in his shoes, too.  Focus on getting him to a better state mentally and the rest will fall in line.

And you!  Don't let this derail your plans to have a kiddo, if that's something you want to do.  It sounds like you've already struggled and there's no good time to have a kiddo.  If you delay because of SS's stuff, it seriously increases the likelihood of resentment over time.  If you're not 100% on your DH, that would be a reason to delay, though, so think seriously befor eyou decide.

When we had issues with YSS's mental health we were told that he had to be evaluated by a senior consultant pyschiatrist so he could be assessed for therapy and ongoing care.  Please, get your DH to get him all the help he needs.  There is nothing wrong with getting him in front of a doctor.  If he had a burst appendix, you'd get him to a sugeon not a general practitioner.  Its the same with your SS's mental health.

This is important.  We were lucky as YSS OD'd on non lethal medication but it was still horiffic at the time.

<<<<HUGS>>>>

Firstly, Lt Dad... {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Secondly, I have nothing on how to help YSS. We are currently dealing with SS18 issues in regards to school and BioHo - naturally - is of no help (unless you count yelling and threatening). 

As for the IVF: YES, take a break. <3

You could try contacting his school guidance counselor. They may be able to point you to local resources in the area for teens with suicidal ideation. They will also likely tell you that if he threatens self harm that you should call 911. That may also get him access to inpatient services, which could be helpful for him, although that depends on the teen and the services. Unfortunately, there is a shortage of mental health supports, especially for children / teens, in many parts of the country and I imagine the supports that do exist are stretched pretty thin due to the pandemic.

Good luck! I'm sorry you have to clean up after ET. Your SS is lucky to have you. 

Well, I have no advice as what to do you with suicidal thoughts portion of YSS. I just have a few thoughts on what helped SS17 while he was in and out of therapy. 
 

SO took him for years to a female therapist. IMO.. SO was using her as kind of a replacement "mom figure." He was talking him years before he met me and about year and half of me being with him. I didn't see her helping him really. He also went to a psychiatrist to prescribe meds. 
 

He was on and off stuff for a long time that really didn't do much either.

Then.. he was getting more and more out of control with his outburst, physical towards SO, which at the time SO was a foot taller and 100lbs heavier so not like he was going to win that battle. 
 

SO made an appointment to see a male psychologist. This guy actually was helping him. He wasn't putting up with SS17s excuses etc. Told SO in front of him if he ever puts his hands on you again call the police. Then COVID hit and that was the last of him going. 
 

He hasn't been  nearly as bad but April/may were rough. 
 

So because your SS and SS17 seem to struggle with emotions surrounding their BMs I suggest having him talk to male vs a female.

I blame BM for all SS17s problems. No one is going to tell me differently. SO has parented him the best he can. BM never did anything with therapy etc. It was solely on SO. I totally understand your resentment towards ET. 
 

Good luck with everything! 

My youngest GS17 took 20 Tylenol. GS17 was online with friends and made a comment about taking the Tylenol, earlier in the day. Thank God, his friend called my DS and let him know what was going on, this was at 2 in the morning, right after Thanksgiving. We took him to the hospital and they gave him N-acetlcysteine in an IV for two days, then he was sent to another hospital, for a 72 hour hold and evaluation. He ended up staying for 7 days, when he came home they sent in an RX for Prozac and has ZOOM meetings with a local therapist weekly.

Little background on GS17, he was molested when he was younger, he is a very gentle soul and an introvert. He was going to a therapist prior to the overdose. The triggered for the overdose was him breaking up with his girlfriend and her telling anyone and everyone that GS17 was molested. All of her friends were bullying him over the internet and he never said a word to his dad or anyone else. Teenagers can be vicious little bastards and have a wild dog pack mentality. Now GS17 doesn't trust very many people, and will not talk about the past with anyone outside the family or therapists.

Tylenol can damage the liver, in some cases a person would end up with complete liver failure and need a transplant.

If your SS ever mentions killing himself again, get him to the hospital asap, there are people that can help him. 

Youve got a lot on your plate.

As someone who went through the "Freshman year going online and kiddo not doing assignments and lying about it", I did all you did - zoom meetings with teachers, etc. Munchkin was so completely overwhelmed! And didnt ask for any help, not until we put her on the spot. And it was horrible.

Here is what I did to get her back on track:

1. I made an excel spreadsheet of EVERY single assignment that was missing and that was coming up. Prioritised as 1st, 2nd and 3rd. So she could focus on a few things that were most important. I broke it down into chunks that were "easier to chew on". With each assignment she completed and turned in, the weight was visibly lightened, she grew visibly happier. Every assignment we checked off...

2. Incentives. YUP. Found out what she wanted, and got it.

3. Got her google classroom credentials. So I could basically see EVERYTHING. And required turn in the day before it was due. When she had difficulty with something, I asked her how I can help. She didnt have required art supplies. Ok, lets get them. Worked on assignments with her that she was confused on. Oh, your having a problem with that? Office hours for you Munchkin! The teacher will walk you through it!

The other stuff - well as we worked on things and she got the attention she needed, the anxiety went away largely.

Hugs to you and yours - this is really hard!

I dont have the good suggestions that the others have given but I wanted to let you know I'll be thinking about you all and hoping for the best possible outcome.  I know what it's like to have a child move in unexpectedly and also know what it's like to have a young teen boy move in.  It is all-consuming, and on top of that, you have your treatments, the house and grad school.  I feel for you.  Just do what must be done today, take deep breaths.  You are doing your best.  No matter what happens, you can say you did your best.  Good luck, Lieutenant Dad.

You & you're family are going though this!  We're in pretty much the exact same boat here, I know how overwhelming it is. 
 

Going though this, one thing I learned was to put mental health & safety first, everything else is low priority.  On top of the great advice you've already received on getting him professional help & evaluated for meds, definitely reach out to his school counselor and let them know he's struggling.
 

 I would also consider reaching out to his individual teachers as well.  Most will be extremely understanding once they're made aware of the situation.  I looked at my sons classes and prioritized the AP and college credit courses.  Then we asked him which of those he could realistically keep up with.  The rest?  Well.... he'll have to take those again later if he fails but the risk is too high at this point to worry about it. 
 

Another thing that helped us is agree to a communication system. My son has led lights in his room & when he turns them a certain color, that's our cue that he needs support & is a danger to himself.  This helped bc even though we felt we were easy to talk to, he didn't feel that way.  
 

Also, look up a agreement to not self-harm contract on the web, print, discuss & sign as a family.  Don't sign it & forget it, talk about it everyday.  "Do you feel like you can uphold the contract today?" 
 

I hope these help.  Good luck to you & your family.  This is such a rough road. 

Oh lt, what lot to cope with. I can't add much to the thread, but I empathize and think you're doing a great job.

BPD YSD attempted suicide at nineteen. Pills. It was one of those times she was facing consequences for lies, and her delusions about a boy she liked had been destroyed. DH and I were on vacation 450 miles away. Our neighbor called to tell us there was an ambulance taking YSD out of our house. We broke many laws driving home, and I can't begin to describe the fear, worry, and anxiety. At the hospital, YSD was evaluated and had her stomach pumped. We asked for a psych hold, but YSD was an adult and it wasn't recommended, so we brought her home. There was no support, no guidance or recommendations back then. It was ... difficult, and felt like we were walking on eggshells WHILE being held hostage.

Your SS is fortunate to be in a supportive, stable environment, with adults who are committed to helping him. Still, you have to practice self care and I think postponing fertility treatments is a good decision. You'll need to be ruthless about managing what's allowed on your plate. Can you get SS engaged in projects to prep the house and find a new one? Might be a diversion, and give him something to look forward to.

I feel for you, lt. It's a lot, and it's heavy, and it's frightening. But to be frank, your SSs are bound to have some issues courtesy of ET, and it's kind of a win for them to manifest now rather than plague the SSs later in life. YSS can get tools and strategies NOW that will serve him well going forward. ET is a problem these boys will have to cope with indefinitely, and again, I'm glad they have their dad and you supporting them. (((hugs)))

Does YSS have an IEP at school? If not,  I'd request a meeting and evaluation ASAP. It sounds like school is a huge part of his stress,  and he doesn't need that now.  He needs support from school,  not stress. Anxiety and depression are reasons for an IEP and accommodations.  My sister had an IEP in HS for that reason and got a lot of help from the school.  If he's really in bad shape, school can wait.