I'm Not His, or Anyone's, Mother
I know 90% of you hate your SKs with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns. I do not. They have always been respectful and kind, and we share common interests. I actually like my SSs.
What hit me last night was realizing that I actually DO care about them, and it kicked me right in the gut.
OSS disclosed something earlier this week that I have a history with (nothing bad, just something that is going to make life more difficult). DH relayed the information to me, which had been relayed by BM at OSS's request. I got in my own head about it, and have all these things that I want to talk to him about, to ease any worries he may have or share support or whatever. It's something I have struggled with because of a multitude of factors, and I want to help at least take a few of those away.
So I express all of this to DH, and he and BM had already discussed an approach, I suppose, to this issue. While OSS specifically asked that I be told, that is all the further BM and DH took it - telling me.
And that's when the kick connected.
He's not my son, and I care a lot more about him that I thought I did.
I cried. I cried realizing that it's not my place to talk to him. I cried because he probably wouldn't want to talk to me. I cried because DH didn't understand and every word of reassurance and telling me "but you can talk to him" hurt worse because I have this fear that I'll say it wrong and BM will get pissed and I don't want to deal with it.
I dove head first into the Stepparent Pool, and I have spent the last couple of years trying to swim to the shallow end. Trying to disengage from things, trying to be friendly but not necessarily parental, trying to have more of an aunt-nephew vibe. And for day to day things, that tends to work. I don't have to deal with BM. I don't get roped into doing things for the kids. DH shows appreciation when I DO do things.
But dammit. I'm suckered in. They are likeable kids. Lovable kids. And I'm struggling on the pregnancy front, and my SIL just told me last night she is pregnant (which I am SO VERY HAPPY for her because she and my SBro have been trying for their 2nd for 2 years and this was going to be their last month trying). It's the double-hit of being reminded that I'm not a mother to anyone, and I'm very likely barely family to the kids I care about.
I just needed to get this off my chest. DH doesn't get it. He tries to be supportive, but he ends up saying the exact opposite of what I need to hear. He parrots the tropes: "oh, they love you and see you as a parent", "of course you can talk to him, you're opinion matters", etc. I don't want to be fed BS. I just want it to not hurt, and there isn't a soul on this planet who can make that happen.
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Yup, all of this. I feel you.
Yup, all of this. I feel you. It’s the love that you have that can hurt the most when you realize the disconnect between your love for them and theirs for us.
This is why I never let
This is why I never let myself really get attached to SS. He has always been respectful to me and I like him, but I knew that because of BM, he could never be even a "stepson" to me. There was no point in letting myself be vulnerable and get hurt in that manner. I tried early on to be very supportive to him, but gradually I just pulled away. If he grows up and we can be close in the future, great - but it isn't going to happen now.
My sister has a stepdaughter that she's close to and who she loves very much, and vice versa - so it can be done. But not in my circumstances. Maybe in yours once they aren't minors anymore - I think that's when my sister got the closest to her SD.
I have always cared about my
I have always cared about my SD28 but there has been a huge wedge between us for years, now, because of BM filling SD's head with crap. Like Tog, I just pulled away so as not to get hurt more than I already have.
My being ANY kind of a role model for SD would go agianst BM's agenda.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. Although some of us are lucky to have steps that we don't hate, it's not easy caring about them when there is a high conflict BM involved.
Yep. Plus as SS got older, he
Yep. Plus as SS got older, he got more and more ... like BM, I guess, and harder for me to even want to be close to. DH loves his son, but not even he wants him around much because of the things he believes and how he behaves. He just seems like a male BM to me now.
And this is why I have
And this is why I have disengaged more from SD13. I actually talked about it with DH last night. That we've both seen changes in her attitude this past year, some normal teen things, but a lot more like OSD and the pattern that happened with OSD is there. We now expect her to go to HS near BM.
So that means we're going to make some household changes in this coming year. And I have had a good relationship with SD13 overall but she's been making it clear I don't matter, DH knows this, so I'm out. I'll make sure there's basic food and the bills are paid and that's it.
That's the issue with some skids here, and likely a lot of them overall. They don't see us as integrated as family because we are kept separate my the parents, them, society, etc.
I am so sorry
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I get it. I have been there. Even though my skids were utterly PAS'ed by BM and no relationship was going to happen, I kept trying long past when it was healthy because it was my chance to have some form of a family. That DH also wanted it to happen and kept the hope alive with tidbits of absolute crap spun into gold frankly was not kind in the slightest despite his good intentions. I finally had to put the dots very close together for him and tell him that he was going to have to stop playing "monkey in the middle" with his kids as the ball because no one was ever going to let me catch them. Enough was enough.
My only piece of advice from the other side of this genuine pain is that it does pass and that the sooner you find a way to come to terms with the stark reality of the situation the better you will feel. That may mean feeling even worse for a period of time but sometimes you have to dig out all of the infection before the wound can heal. It took a long time for me to come to terms with the fact that I would never be a mother or anything approaching one other than with my dogs. I honestly can not tell you if it would have been easier to be on friendly terms with the skids at that time and have that near-maternal relationship just out of reach or not. That was not within my control to decide. All I know is that I finally made peace with the issue after throwing myself into work and my dogs. One day I just realized that it was not an overwhelming hurt and it kept getting less every day from then on to the point where I knew I was going to be OK. I wish you peace and healing. It can and will happen.
I'm sorry, honey. I've got
I'm sorry, honey. I've got nothing. {{{hugs}}}
Dang it.. I do know how you
Dang it.. I do know how you feel to an extent. Well.. at least with one of my Skids. I really love/care about YSD22. She is smart (and a smart A$$ like me) and resourceful and a hard worker and really cares about others. She and I get along great.. but I know.. at the end of the day.. I'm not her mom.. despite the fact that she DOES feel ok coming to me for advice a lot..
In fact, this weekend I was talking to her about guys.. and what she should be looking for in one. One of the biggest things I said was for him to NOT have kids.. lol. I said.. look, when you have Skids.. even when you love them.. you know.. that they already have two parents.. and they already have a mom.. and even in the best circumstances.. if BM and I were on the edge of the volcano that she would save her mom.. not me if she could only save one of us.
In typical fashion.. she said that number one.. THAT would never happen because her mom is afraid of heights.. wouldn't be up on the ledge of a volcano.. but number two, even if she was.. she would push us both in.. lol.. that way she wouldn't have anyone mad she made the choice.. haha.
And.. she is basically "all I got" . DH and I never did have kids.. we tried.. but it just never happened.. and now just won't happen. Plus at almost 55, I'm not in the state of mind to want to start with a kid.. too used to my freedoms..lol.
but... it is hard to know that there are limits on stepparents... there are boundaries that we have to contend with.. and there are definitely regrets that things are so complicated.
Hugs.. to you on this..