Lt_Dad Loses Her $#!+ in Disney Dad Land
Let's start with the good: BM got a job. Now, whether it lasts remains to be seen, but I'll take the wins where I can get them I suppose. It's a physical labor job in the field that she is trained in but hasn't worked in for 10 years because she "couldn't physically do the work anymore". I'll remain hopeful, however.
Now onto the bad: DH has been visiting Disney Dad Land too frequently for my liking and checkbook. As I mentioned previously, OSS needed new shirts at last visit that BM couldn't manage to get with her $1,000/mo CS because she wasn't working. In addition to shirts, BM couldn't afford the HIGHLY discounted school fees (a whopping $50) either. Nor could she afford the church-sponsored fall break trip that she has signed the boys up for. Oh, and YSS had some school fundraiser, and wr always make a donation directly to the group (this time, PTO) versus buying whatever crap they are selling.
Minus the shirts, which OSS informed DH about, did BM give DH any heads up about these expenses prior to pick up? NOPE. And did DH pay it all, and give BM an extra $10 because he "only had $20s and I wasn't concerned about her giving me $10 back"? You bet your sweet, pumpkin spice-loving arse he did!
Insert Lt_Dad losing her sh*t on DH. At first, DH doth protest. I, however, reminded him that he pays more than his fair share to his kids. That $1,000 leaves this house monthly to go to hers and the boys benefit zilch from it, which isn't our fault. That her lack of gainful employment is her own issue and not ours.
All this is fairly standard, and DH huffs at it. BUT I DELIVERED A TKO:
Backstory: YSS lied to DH about doing his homework. I have disengaged from homework because I know YSS won't do it and will lie about it. So why bother?
Flash forward LESS THAN A DAY AFTER BEING LIED TO, and DH is paying for YSS to participate in the church thing over fall break. At a church that DH hates that they attend. At a church that DH thinks has very harmful teachings (they are anti-LGBTQ, anti-public health, and very pro-international mission work in the worst ways possible). RIGHT AFTER YSS LIED TO DH ABOUT DOING SOMETHING HE DIDN'T DO!
So, I asked why we paid school fees when the boys won't be kicked out of school and it will only hurt BM, why we bought $8 worth of t-shirts when BM gets $1,000 per month, why we paid for both kids to attend a church function at a place DH hates and for a kid who JUST LIED TO HIM, and why he gave BM a free $10 that the kids will never see a dime of?
SPEECHLESS. HE EVEN SAID I MADE SEVERAL GOOD POINTS!
I swear to God, BM could rob him blind if she wanted to. DH gave her $200 in cash, in hopes that she pays all these things she is supposed to pay. You think the PTO will see the $30 donation? Nope. You think the boys will actually go to the church thing? Likely not. School fees? Psh, they'll add it to the tab that she'll pay later. Oh, and $10 in free cash.
I'm dumbfounded, and DH thought that being sweet the next day would make up for it. Nope. I reminded him I was still upset, then left for the week for work out of state. He has been nice all weekend because he did miss me, but I'm still a bit miffed by the whole thing.
He is a good husband, and he had done SO WELL with not giving in to her. But her "dire" circumstances have snappef him back into a trance, and Lord Jesus help that man if he slips back further this weekend. I'll bring down the hellfire the likes that Anti-Canada has never seen before.
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Comments
Whyyyyyyyy do they do this?
Whyyyyyyyy do they do this? It totally baffles me.
I don't get it. DH has no
I don't get it. DH has no trouble standing up to everyone else in his life and reminding them of their place. It has to be guilt or voodoo. I'm personally hoping for voodoo because there is a fix for that.
My DH learned to pay things
My DH learned to pay things directly to places because money in BM's hands... well like trying to hold sunshine in a pocket I tell you!
He also used to bribe her to let him get his girls.. usually 20 bucks "for gas" got it done with her. Pretty much any time he wanted her to do something.. the profer of cash would get it done. Like his divorce.. she wouldn't sign till he gave her 1500 dollars.. that got it done.
While very irritating, and especially since I have probably carried most bills a lot of the time.. it really rankled me that he paid her these bribes.. even the 20 dollar ones. But, in the end, I do realize it was the lesser of evils and cheaper than court.
DH usually pays things
DH usually pays things directly, but BM knows that if she makes it sound emergent that he'll just hand over cash. He never saw how much the church thing was; he just took her at her word. I was dumbfounded, though not surprised.
But yes, it is cheaper than court, and it keeps BM from blowing up his phone because "I need the money NOW". Doesn't make it any less irritating.
I just keep reminding myself that CS eventually ends.
Yes it does.. we are almost 3
Yes it does.. we are almost 3 years past it!
I HATE this. That's about as
I HATE this. That's about as bad as my DH... Won't go after her for loans (that one I get, we wouldn't get anything anyways and he's likely be given them), won't go after CS becuase she "doesn't have any money." BECAUSE SHE SPENDS IT ON EVERYTHING ELSE!
I don't get it Lt_dad... He shouldn't be giving anywhere near that much to a different household... what I don't think they get, is in order to send to another, you take away from your own.
I have tried MULTIPLE times
I have tried MULTIPLE times to get it across to DH that, by CHOOSING to be CP, she accepts the responsibility of paying for these things for the kids.
She CHOSE to have majority custody and fought for it. She won, giving DH only EOWE - no holidays, or vacations. Just 52 overnights a YEAR is what he was awarded.
THAT is one of the primary reasons I try drilling it in to his thick skull that much of this isn't his responsibility. She CHOSE for DH to be less involved. That comes with the responsibility of getting off her arse and WORKING at being a full time parent AND provider.
I was far less annoyed last year when she was working full-time and giving DH extra visitation. Her requests for stuff for the boys was far less, so when she DID ask, I never gave it much thought because I KNEW she was putting in her fair share. She WAS trying to be better and be a provider and shared the responsibility with DH.
But Now? Nope. DH works a job he hates because he is paid over market value and knows if he leaves he'll take a pay cut. And he won't do that while BM is unemployed because he doesn't know what that will do to us financially. So he suffers through month after month, waiting to see if a comparable job becomes available.
Yet, she sits at home. Doing nothing. Not even taking a job at a convenience store or McDonald's (until last week). Cry me a river. DH is mentally exhausted and physically in pain all the time (thanks jackass in the military who ran him over) but he STILL puts 40-60 hours in every week because THAT'S WHAT YOU DO AS AN ADULT AND A PARENT.
Ugh. I need a drink now.
I agree with everything... I
I agree with everything... I also hate that so often people feel they have to compensate because of the useless POS they reproduced with... it's not right or fair whatsoever.
I hope he finds something soon. I know for me working a job I don't like or want has been very taxing on me. Has caused increased stress and frustration as well.
Wow, I kind of want to smack
Wow, I kind of want to smack your DH. He gave her the cash for all that crap?? She can afford the $8 shirt. She just knows that if she tells him, he will pay for it. She's playing him like a fiddle.
Our BM is the same exact way- she didn't work for years and years. Sat back and collected the CS and refused to work, even though my SO has majority custody. Now she does work, so she is doing pretty well financially. Well yeah, she has a job, and CS pays for her rent, the state pays for her food and other stuff, so her income is just extra now. Yet she will send the field trip forms with the kids back to our house and tell skids "your dad can pay for that, since he's the one that wants you to go to private school". Ok, private school or not, every school has field trips. It makes me LIVID.
Hopefully your SO snaps back out of it and stops caving to her. I hate seeing cheap ass BM's winning!
My DH...
...was so similar when I met him. BM demanded money because one of their children broke a window at her house...ok (only to discover later that BM's stepson broke the window)...BM demanded $310 in extra money a month without any proof that she paid any of that (other than a scrap of paper with her henscratch list of the money she had spent), ok and he'll pay in cash. BM threatens to report him to child support enforcement for not paying the full cost for school pictures (even though the most he is supposed to pay is 30% and he barely sees any school pictures in return for his money), of course, he'll pay. SKids need back to school clothes, even though he's paying child support, the amount of which is based on his income compared to BM's income, so perfectly fair, he'll pay, because he likes to buy his kids "nice things" ("nice things" that BM sells online shortly after they enter her house - no joke).
I think now, one of the main reasons he doesn't pony up is because he's afraid of my exploding on him. But also, I have successfully gotten him to see that BM really only reaches out to him when she wants money. She has now demanded that they don't text and I think she, too, is afraid of what I might do if she demanded more money (especially since DH had $12K garnished from his pay for tax debt for her business, taxes which she took on in the decree, for a business to which DH made no claims, even though his inheritance from his grandmother went to cover business expenses, instead of going into a college fund for Skids; and especially since after reviewing his case, the IRS granted him an innocent spouse ruling for the three years BM didn't file her taxes).
Either way, I don't care...if more money goes to SKids for something at BM's house, then less money goes to Skids for things at our house.