To a certain extent, you can't worry about stuff till it actually happens. But, I think I would be pretty liberal around the kid with.. "If you want to have nice things, you will have to figure out how to earn money.".. etc..

School isn't for everyone. There ARE jobs that don't require a degree (though do require some basic intelligence and ability to learn)... encourage the kid to take votech classes if they are available. HVAC, Electrician, Plumber, pipefitter.. many jobs that pay well and don't require a degree. Even carpentry, roofing and lawn care can provide well.

I had a conversation with my ex's mother once, in which she told me "your boyfriend is so stupid".

I replied before I could even think about it: "Well that's not my fault."

My ex was also notoriously unreliable, unstable and unable to do anything for himself. I refuse to be linked to a child who is completely helpless when he/she reaches adulthood because it would reflect poorly on me. In your house, you can have expectations, it's your house and contrary to popular belief, chores, expectations and responsibilities are things that children need and crave on a certain subconscious level.

As far as school, as someone who did what I was "supposed to do", got good grades, went to a great college, got a job right afterward, I'm still wrestling a monstrous amount of debit. With my degree, I make about $900 less per year than my SO who has a GED and is a well rounded tradesman, who is now working as an electrician, with over 15 years experience because he dropped out of school at 16 and has been working ever since. He has no school related debt. He also isn't a one trick pony, he can do flooring, drywall, custom woodworking, plumbing, carpentry you name it and he does it exceptionally well (my dad who I thought was as OCD as you can get, who never compliments anyone doing anything was blown away by the work he did on our renno last summer). So school isn't always the answer for everyone. So in addition to that $ he's got job security and versatility. I'm a social worker. That comes with it's own diverse skill set but I can't go be an accountant if this doesn't work out.

My 20 yr old is like this, lazy and unmotivated is his default mode, he's also got a mild learning disabilty to top it off. He chose to live primarily w/his father for the last 6 years because exH would let him do whatever he wanted and what he wanted was to play video games nonstop. Never had a job or any forward thinking towards the future. Then exH got a new gf, decided he didn't want to enable him anymore and notified me via text that ds20 was coming to live w/me. As soon as he got here I set him up w/an appointment to donate plasma since he didn't have a job. Rules, boundaries, expectations, rent and contribution amounts were set. He did get a job quickly but got *let go* from his first job. I made him hit the pavement and keep looking. He is now sucessfully enrolled in a training program working about 30 hours a week and doing very well. He helps out, does lots of chores, does his own laundry, cleans after himself, helps DH fix things.

If ss doesn't like school that's ok, steer him towards getting a part time job. Working at a pizza place could be fun and he'd get free food. He could also volunteer at the humane society if he likes animals. There are so many opportunities and other things he can do besides be academic. We're not all wired that way and that's alright.

I honestly thought exH would enable ds forever but he only did it as long as it was convenient for him. This could happen in your situation as well. I'd just be prepared to support DH is steering ss in a positive productive direction rather than coddling and enabling him.

Instead of working on your SSs (or in addition to...), maybe you should be working on your DH.

Start making it clear now that an adult SS WILL NOT be living in YOUR house.

Or maybe even start making plans for when your "nest" is empty. Like, oohh, wouldn't it be nice to go to *travel location* when we don't have to worry about the kids anymore? Or "maybe we should move into *a new, smaller house*" (Smaller house = less chance of an adult child moving in....you don't have the room for them anyway.

I'm already making plans for all the things I want to do post-kids, pre-old woman.
And my kids aren't even in kindergarten.

Get him excited for those plans. Maybe that'll motivate him to be a little tougher on the kids to launch. Or at least help him say "NO!" when they ask to move in.

Both of my SD's went to work after HS. My OSD tried a bit of CC but it was too "hard" for her. Honestly it was frustrating because she was smart as a whip until junior high and then when it got a bit tough.. she just gave up. Her grandmother (who had a big influence in her raising) said "oh.. well.. I'm so stupid too.. so she can't help it"

I'm like Lady.. you are NOT stupid and your grand daughter is most certainly NOT either. What she is is lazy and is spending more time mooning over boys and not trying in class any more.

Anyway, she just didn't do anything with her opportunity and then went on to work at 911 communication office and now is in social services. She is doing ok. married to a guy with a good job and has a baby. (an oops baby.. but whatever.. we don't pay her bills).

The YSD is working 2 jobs (one full time) and also taking a 3 course per semester CC class load through online learning and getting all A's and B's. She has been working full time since she was 18 and the place she works loves her and gave her a promotion after her first year. Between her two jobs, she makes probably 15K MORE than her older sister. She may take a little longer to get her degree.. but she will have better than 5 years of real life work experience under her belt so if her current company isn't where she wants to be.. she will have options.

I have known lots of people who go to do the trades and honestly, they have skills that they can use at home to save money in addition to being to earn money. I would not push a kid to college that wasn't ready for it.

how old is the skid? If he's like middle school or more, I'd say that ship has sailed, I don't think you're going to get him to change his thoughts and habits on school. I truly believe that stressing the importance of school HAS to start at PreK. BS7 is in second grade and has missed 3 days of school total (Prek-2) for things that were unavoidable like Strep and Pink eye. He has never been tardy, has never not done his homework and DH and I stress to him all the time how important school is. I help him (if needed) with his homework every single night and we have been blessed with an awesome school, and his teachers have challenged him every year. BS7 does not play video games and has been involved in karate, soccer and baseball since PreK.

Now you have SS. When I met DH, SS was in the 3rd grade. BM would let him miss school if he was tired, or had a hangnail. School was dumb, she didn't like school and so she didn't care if he didn't want to go. She never bothered to help him with homework, and NOTHING was ever this kid's fault. DH begged her to put him in sports but she couldn't be bothered.. said she was "too busy"... with her part time job.. and she had to go to her cult church like 4 times a week. She even lived in an apartment building that was DIRECTLY in front of the complex where SS would have had the majority of practices and games. But know it was just too much for her. Fast forward about 10 years and SS19 is a high school drop out, sits around and smokes dope and plays video games all night and sleeps all day, has no job, no Driver's license and no goals for his life.

Do you see the difference in parenting here? Sometimes I feel like I kind of need to thank BM1 and BM2 for being such shitty mothers because it taught me what NOT to do with BS7. DH is thoroughly disgusted with SS19 and has given up trying to talk to him, help him etc. He did that for 19 years and all of it was negated by BM because SS chose the path of least resistance. I HIGHLY doubt DH would allow SS to move in with us.. but then again you never know... and I agree THAT prospect gives me anxiety!!