This is exactly why I say that I would NEVER date a guy with kids if I didn't have kids of my own....

He's doing you a "nicey" by referring to them as "the children" instead of "my children"...I say he's doing you a "nicey" because he's trying to make you feel included and part of his "list of people who are important enough to die for" Isn't that a good thing??? I think it would be a sad thing if you ever corrected him on that. He's just trying to make you feel part of the unit.
It's ok if you don't want to be called a stepmother...there is no golden rule that states you must use that title. My husbands daughter refers to me as her stepmom but when she isn't within earshot I refer to her as "my husbands daughter" I prefer to be known as "her fathers wife" OR if anyone REALLY wants to see me smile I would LOVE to be referred to as, "That totally hot,sweet,dynamic,funny,witty woman married to Dr.McHottiepants"

Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha

like you i hate having to plan my time around when it is custody weekend. I feel like packing up and dissappearing that weekend. But no i do the right thing and plan my child (my ex and i have a very amicable agreement, my son comes and goes when he wants) around his constantly changing weekends that suit BM. We have to sacrifice our time to make arrangements for his kids.

I am just lucky that my ex doesnt carry on about our son otherwise we would never have all the kids at the same time, which would be a nightmare!!!

Them to never speak my name or call me anything...because I never want to see them again! Can you tell it's been a bad last few weeks? Hey, who am I kidding...it's been a really bad YEAR!!

They normally call me "Dad's wife". They are too far gone on the PAS wagon to actually attach the word "mom" to any part of me.

Now, if they wanted to call me "Dad's new really hot wife that is 10 years younger than mom and actually looks like a woman as opposed to mom who looks like a man"...I wouldn't mind a bit! Because it is SO true! DH is always telling me how hot I am and that it's the main reason why BM hates me so much...because I am everything she could never be in a woman and in a wife. Well, DUH sweetie! I am NOT a lesbian and I actually LOVE having sex with YOU!

Love :evil:

by my name. I call them by their names. If they're not being little bastards I call them my step-sons, but most of the time I just say "my husband's kids" to strangers. I call them something else entirely to my close friends. Strangers always assume they're mine (I feel so insulted! I always want to say, "do I look like i've pushed out two rugrats?!" Also, I find it mortifying to think that people could think my awkward, gangly and ugly skids could have come from me. Can't they see there is absolutely NO RESEMBLANCE?) At first, my skids immediately piped up and said I wasn't their "real mom," but weirdly enough, they now let it slide and don't correct people. I don't want to hurt their feelings so I usually don't say anything either. They describe me as their "step-mom" to other people when it's not assumed that i'm their BIO and my littlest skid is always saying, "you're my step-mom and my mom is my mom." He is five, so I have no idea why he feels the need to repeat this daily. We all know what the situation is, but he's not the brightest crayon in the box.

"The truth shall set you free." ~John 8:32

I am sure your husband picks up on your misguided intentions with his life.
With what little I know about him, He sounds like someone that is pretty on the ball to me. In terms of how and why he says things the way he does.
I know nothing of his character, for all I know he could be an ass or an idiot. But I see nothing wrong with his words.
There are lots of titles that I can be called.
I could be calling myself a divorced parent. But that isn't who I am. I am a newly married husband.
I could say I am a "step father" to "her" son. But that isn't who I am.
I could forever keep him at bay and keep him my step son. As if that is all it will ever be.
I choose to act like a loving father to him. Forever I will not stray.

I know the opportunity I have before me. And I welcome it.
And I see the one you have before you. Do you?

I want to express my admiration of your writing skill and ability to make reader to read the while thing to the end

I don't differentiate between my bios and my steps. Neither does my husband. We just say "the kids". Or "our kids".

My stepkids call me by my first name when they are talking to me. When they are talking to someone else, they'll either say mama or stepmom.

I would really like to see a study done on the effects a stepmother's ability to bond with her stepchildren has on the marriage itself. I'm not being judgmental. Feelings aren't right or wrong...they just are. But we know that second marriages have a really high probability of divorce. Statistically, most second marriages will not survive. I wonder if second marriages are doomed when a the wife/husband can't stand the stepkids.

I can only speak from my perspective....If I felt like my husband didn't love, support, and value "my kids", our marriage wouldn't stand a chance. I'm absolutely sure he feels the same way. If I referred to my stepchildren as "his kids", he would be devastated.

Again, I'm not trying to be judgmental. But I do think it's important to think in terms of the marriage. My husband and I have been married for ten years. I've been in my stepkids' lives since they were 4 and 7. They are 15 and 17 now. My bios were something like 6 and 10 when we got married. And we have one together. I guess what I'm saying is, I've been doing this a while. I've seen so many failed second marriages. It seems like it's almost always related to the kids.

I don't disagree with the end of your post. I think marriages can survive without the whole "blending" thing. But I can't imagine the stress it would place on my marriage if I felt like my husband couldn't stand my children. If I felt like my kids had to grow up in a home with someone who didn't want only the very best for them, I would be miserable. I can't imagine how my husband would feel if he felt like I didn't love and support his kids.

I think it matters big time whether or not you are custodial as well. It's a little easier to remain detached from children who don't live with you. And you don't have the day-to-day struggles with visiting stepkids that you have when they are with you full time. We were non-custodial first. My stepkids moved in with us a couple of years ago. Their choice.

Again, I'm not trying to be judgmental. I would just love to see research done on the effects of stepparent-stepchildren relationships on the marriage itself.