Get a second job
DH informs me that he wants his son to get involved with a special soccer team. Registration costs $700.
:jawdrop:
My response, "Will you be asking BM to pay half of that?"
DH: "Uhh...."
Me: "Ok, so, NO? Really? Of course you won't ask her for her half. Which means that it is, once again, up to the rest of the family to make ANOTHER sacrifice so that your kids can have something special. What do you feel the rest of us can sacrifice in order to make that happen for your kid?"
DH: " I just really want him to have this opportunity, blah, blah, blah..."
Me: "You didn't answer my question. In order to 'find' $700 in the budget in order to sign your son up for this special soccer thing, the rest of the family is going to have to make ANOTHER sacrifice. What do you think we all should sacrifice this time? Do we stop eating? Do we walk everywhere we need to go because his soccer thing is our gas money? Or, do we shut off one of the utilities - maybe the electricity? We can all just burn candles at night. Or, I know, maybe the mortgage payment. We can all live on the streets! Just so long as SS gets to play soccer."
**
Folks, I am not exaggerating here. We do NOT have $700 for ANYONE to do ANYTHING. Even if he did have the balls to ask BM to pay half, we don't even have the $350!
I do not know what he is thinking.
**
So then he goes on and on about what a great opportunity it would be for his son. Again, blah, blah, blah.
Me: "Ok, so we pay $1k per month is CS. The rest of us have to make a shit ton of sacrifices because of that. IN THIS HOUSE we really, really struggle so that YOUR kids can be taken care of in TWO homes. BM won't even get a fucking job. YOUR KIDS are ALWAYS signed up for one or more activities. They are ALWAYS doing something special. The CS you pay covers our 50% of those activities. Good for them. However, for the rest of the people in this family, who are SUPPOSED TO ALSO MATTER:
We are counting every single penny that comes in and goes out. We are grocery shopping at the low-end grocery stores and essentially living off of PB&J. We both know that I have to get a job a.s.a.p after I graduate, or we won't be able to financially survive on the remainder (after CS) of your income. You can't even make this mortgage payment and maintain the utilities without MY savings right now. We don't even have the money for [my son] to take an art class at the local community center. I need new shoes and new pants, but we don't have the money for that either. {My son} needs a new pair of glasses, but we don't have the money to do that. YET, we are all supposed to feel compelled to make MORE sacrifices so that he can be registered for a 'special' soccer team?"
DH: More blah, blah, blah about how good his son is at soccer at he really wants him to have the opportunity...
Me: "Then I feel that you need to get a second job to earn the money to give him that special opportunity. Because I absolutely refuse to make any more sacrifices so that YOUR children can live this really awesome fantastic life and never have to want for anything while I am walking around in shoes that have holes in the soles and my son is a year past getting a new pair of glasses and also needs new clothes."
***
Honestly folks, I am not a jealous and petty person. I mean, good for his kids that they get to be involved in all sorts of activities and have all sorts of opportunities available to them.
HOWEVER, I was a single mom for a very, very long time. Has my son been involved in stuff? Yes. But they were the cheapest activities that I could find. There were also things he wanted to do, but without putting us on the street, I had to tell him that we couldn't afford it. So he had to do without.
So now here were are, struggling to survive while I finish my education (I graduate in August) - and I am supposed to feel compelled to make MORE sacrifices for his kids so that they get to live this fantasy life that money doesn't matter?
Bullshit.
Even after I start working again, there are a TON of other priorities that have been placed on hold for the last year and a half (such as my sons glasses and new shoes and maintaining the bills for the house, etc) that need to be taken care of.
The priority will NOT be to make the rest of us wait even LONGER to have our needs met so that HIS children can get some "really awesome super opportunity."
Sorry, but they both have been participating in "really awesome super opportunities" the whole time the rest of us are struggling to eat.
So fuck off and get a second job. YOU be the one to make the sacrifice and quit fucking looking to the rest of us to do it for you.
Holy shit I am pissed. I am more pissed at myself for getting into this situation to begin with.
FUUUUUUUUUUCK!
What the fuck was I thinking.
Just shoot me.
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Comments
I am equally as dumbfounded.
I am equally as dumbfounded. Actually, probably more since I am the dumbass that married him.
I am more traumatized than
I am more traumatized than you are.
What can I say? No, I didn't realize. I was "in love."
Honestly, I thought that things were going to work out a whole lot different than they are. We went to premarital counseling and family counseling before we even got married. As a "family" we agreed on how things were supposed to be. However, I am the only one who is trying to maintain that agreement. And then I am the bad guy for doing it. Our church hooked us up with an older married couple (that had successfully blended a family) and we mentored with them for months before we got married. We even went to a pre-marriage weekend long seminar in preparation.
We talked and worked out how things are supposed to be handled.
I thought that we had come to agreements.
Shit, we even have a "contract" from the marriage seminar about most of this shit.
He is not holding up his end of the deal and I feel like a total fool for having believed that he would in the first place.
He pulled the old "Passive Aggressive Bait & Switch"... the asshole.
Sorry, I am not sounding very Christian at the moment. I am not feeling very charitable and I do not feel like "honoring" my husband.
I really just feel humiliated (by my own stupidity) and used.
How much more selfish can he
How much more selfish can he get? I hate this blinkered 'my kids' attitude.
Yes, DH should get a 2nd job. And SS can mowe lawns and contribute as well. Id he wants it this badly he will make the effort. After all, it is summer. i am sure even if he contributes $100 to the total cost from mowing lawns for a few weeks while others are on vacation and DH gets a 2nd job in the local supermarket stacking shelves or laying out lettuces they may BOTH appreciate the money a little more.
And book your son in for new glasses. His eyesight is damned more important than dribbling a ball around a field. SELFISH DH!
This is a really great idea.
This is a really great idea. If DH insists, this will be MY counter-offer.
"..laying out lettuces"...
HAHAHAA. Oh man, I would actually PAY money to watch that!!! }:)
^ YES!!!! ^
^ YES!!!! ^
I didn't want to have to do
I didn't want to have to do this, but you may be right.
Your DH is crazy. I do have
Your DH is crazy. I do have a question...why are you all in such dire straights? He must make a pretty good living if he is paying 1000.00 in CS per month.
In December 2010, I resigned
In December 2010, I resigned from a long-term fairly prestigious position at a corporation to pursue an education/career change. In preparation for the change, I paid down my debt and saved up enough money to live on, plus a little extra, until I could graduate. Since the Winter 2011 semester, I will have plowed through 85 credits. I am working as fast and as furiously as I can to get my degree and move on with my life. I will graduate in August of this year.
So although I had created a very decent savings in preparation for this time in our lives, that fund is not renewable and is dwindling. We have to be very careful about how we spend our money. Although I am hoping to graduate one day and start working the next, the reality is that it may take me slightly longer to actually get a job.
All the more reason to live a frugal life right now. At this moment, every penny matters. We absolutely have to be very careful. We've got cushion, but we can't be stupid now or the whole house of cards is going to fall down.
This change is something that DH and I discussed at length and in detail prior to execution. We both knew that things were going to be *tight* and that sacrifices were going to have to be made. However, we both came to the decision that it was going to be worth it.
By the way, DH and I didn't marry until July 2011. We did not live together prior to marriage. When I paid down my debt and built my savings, I did it while I was living on my own and supporting myself and my son. So my savings really is MY money. It is not a fund that we built together.
Yes, my DH earns a very decent wage. However, CS equates to 45% of his take-home. The judge involved in his case refuses to hold BM responsible for the fact that she isn't working (regardless of her $35k per year earning potential). Instead, DH has been forced to cough up as much money as possible to "support his children." The remainder of his check, after taxes and insurance, puts him in a position that he doesn't bring home enough to financially support the runnings of a household. Period.
All the more reason why it is completely and totally ridiculous of him to make the assumption that whatever money we *may* (but don't) have - should be spent on HIS son to be on some special soccer team. Especially to the tune of $700 per session.
Because it is really MY money. Without me (my savings and my earning potential) he would have to live in his parents basement until he is done paying CS. Indeed, he was (and I did too after we married) until we bought our own home last month.
$1k per month seeping into another household puts us in a very financially tight position. That's a lot of freaking money. And for him to not acknowledge that or to accept that his kids are ALREADY getting more than their fair share of our resources -- let alone to propose that they deserve even MORE at the expense of everyone else -- is absolutely disturbing.
Not gonna happen.
I should also mention, for those who aren't familiar with me: My son lives with his dad. When he turned 15, he said that he wanted to spend more time with his dad -- whom he has always had a great relationship with. So my son is not suffering. He is not being neglected, nor is he malnourished.
My DH pulls this crap (not
My DH pulls this crap (not quite on this level YET, but I wouldn't out it past him) He is always blathering on and justifying blowing money on skids every passing whim and want "because it's a great opportunity"
and honestly, you better add quite a bit more to that $700.00 because my neice was on some prestigious travel soccer league which sounds like what you are talking about and they traveled ALL OVER THE PLACE, in state, out of state, SIL was always having to pay for motels, gas, food etc every weekend to go to these games. She was NOT, however, taking food out of the rest of the families mouth to do it.
If you have the $ to do something like this, then wonderful, but if you don't then come on, I mean is SS going to be some professional soccer player? What are the odds of that? Is he going to get a soccer scholarship? Again, what are the odds of that... I agree with whoever said this crap is more about the parents being able to talk about and brag about how thier child is sooooooo awesommmmeeeee
I had not even thought of the
I had not even thought of the added traveling expenses. YIKES! I am so very, very grateful that you pointed that out to me. My son never had an opportunity to be signed up with special teams. We always did the city recreation events, or through the school, which are very cheap in comparison.
THANK YOU!
P.S. I looked into it and tournament expenses aren't even covered in the registration fee. Neither is uniform expenses or "third indoor session games" - whatever that means. This would all be in addition to traveling expenses.
He is out. of. his. freaking. mind.
Wow! I had no idea that's
Wow! I had no idea that's what it's like!
My kid is not the sporty type. He tried the sports when he was younger, but slowly gravitated to the arts instead.
So I really had no clue.
I have zero desire to live that type of life. I mean, not that I would go to SS's practices or games anyway. I don't do that kind of stuff. But still...
No thanks. That's too much for me to even be on the outside of.
I agree! However, my sons
I agree!
However, my sons eyes are not at risk of being permanently damaged. He says that he can still see fine with the glasses he currently has. However, he is in need of an exam and new frames/lenses.
When I was working, he got a new pair every 12 months. It was just something that I did for him. Even though insurance only covered the expense every 24 months. Thus, every other year, the expense was something I paid for in full (new frames/lenses). He is "patiently" waiting for me to start working again. My first paycheck will be spent, first and foremost, on a new pair of glasses for my kid.
Perhaps I made it sound worse than it actually is. I suppose that my original point is that: well, my kid needs new glasses. It's not an emergency, but something that certainly needs to be done as soon as it is possible.
^ THANK YOU!!!!! ^
^ THANK YOU!!!!! ^
Oh my!!! My DHs BM is just
Oh my!!! My DHs BM is just like this!! She signs my SSs up for everything- then tries to justify it by saying "dont we want to give them EVERY opportunity? Dont we OWE it to them?"
I had to put my foot down with DH recently on just this!! He pays &1400 a mnth in child supp plus $150-200 on medical crap. DHs kids are also doing poorly in school. They are involved in multiple sports plus very heavily involved in boy scouts. Its ridiculous.
I tried to explain to DH that my Dd is custidial here, and I care faaar more abt her grades then putting her in every stinking thing she bring home a pamphlet for from school. BM tries to lie & say the boys beg & plead when they bring home stuff in their bookbags-- but then next convo says she doesnt chk their bookbags for their homework (which the skids are not doung)
Then she send us 2 page guilt trip emails about how if we say no that we are selfish mean people who are depriving their kids of a childhood. Shes nuts!!
I say stick to your guns-- she needs to take it out of the child supp!!!! Wtf do these bms think its for anyways?!?! Thats how i pay for my DDs stuff
Are we dealing with the same
Are we dealing with the same BM?????
As a DH I wouldn't have the
As a DH I wouldn't have the temerity to do something this outlandish. My CS pays more than enough money to my lazy-ass Ex (who decided that it was too hard to go to school and work to help foot the bill while live-in BF collects disability).
And yeah, $700 is nuts but at the same time, is that for one season?
Uggg. At least you
Uggg. At least you understand!!!
Yes, it's $700 per session.
Check Walmart for his
Check Walmart for his glasses. They have a good deal on lenses. Price it out-
Dd12 is wrapping up club ball. We paid a great deal more than anticipated, and I didn't think it was just going to be the 850. I knew we were looking at 1000+ in fee and tourney/coach fees.
Add on coach travel/food costs. Ours got 45 cents a mile, 20.00 a day and hotels paid by the team.
Then we practiced 4 nights a week and were too tired to cook, so we were eating out way to much.
You are looking at closer to 2-3k.
Dd wanted to play she is the only in our house and the last we couldn't afford it for the older kids. And probably would help BM as we too pay almost 1k a month.
He requires a special
He requires a special Rx.
It's all good. I didn't mean to make it sound like it's an emergency, because it's not.
My kid is accustomed to getting new glasses every 12 months. It was just something that I did for him. He is in need of new glasses and an exam. It's not an emergency though. He is being "patient," and says that he can see just fine with the lenses he currently has. However, he does point out that his current frames have some serious wear and tear.
^ YES!!!! ^ If things
^ YES!!!! ^
If things actually come to head that I think they are coming to. The conversation that I will have with my DH is to *ask* him to uphold his promise to me to support my efforts to attain an education and get a job in my field. As I mentioned in a previous response, resigning from my job and pursuing an education was a mutual agreement. I WILL hold him to it. Especially since I am in my final semester and am already submitting resumes to hiring agencies.
Once I obtain a job in my field, we can discuss what the next "phase" is going to look like.
I'm not afraid to walk away.
I've done it before.
I've made a lot of sacrifices in my life for men. I am a flipping dumbass for it. And I can't believe I did it again. Holy shit. I thought that I was getting "better." Nope. I just got better at disguising bad choices as good ones.
I am not feeling like I want
I am not feeling like I want to be charitable to myself right now.
Why can't people just... be honest?
I may be a bit crass at time. But really, that's only when I feel as though someone isn't listening to what I have to say and being crass is the only way to get their attention. Do I have a stern personality? Yes. If people knew my history, they would know why I am. Inside, I'm mush. Outside? Not so much. My "sternness" is my armor. Also, "stern" works when it comes to kids - especially for kids who have no "stern" in their lives.
I hate passive aggressive people.
I end up begging, "Please, for God's sake, please don't make me guess what you're thinking. I will NEVER get it right. Just TELL me what you want or need from me. Please STOP setting me up for failure! Please STOP telling me that you will do or agree with something when you really don't - and then turn around and do the complete opposite and then act like I'm the crazy one because I expected you to do what you said you would do!"
I may be crass. I may be stern. But I'll tell ya:
There is not one person in my life who doesn't know where they stand with me. I am not harsh, unless I have to be. But I am honest. I won't lie to a person or tell them only what they want to hear. I will offer a direct apology for when I've done something wrong and accept full responsibility for any damage I may have caused someone. I expect the same in return. I don't make people guess what I want or need from them -- I flat out will tell you! I also try to keep those expectations low, probably too low, but I definitely try to shoot for realistic expectations. BUT I can't have realistic expectations for a person who can't be honest about who they are and what they are capable of.
Passive aggressive people make my stomach hurl.
I suppose that I just never realized, or paid attention to, how passive aggressive my husband is.
These last few days have felt like a slap in the face.
I've actually come to realization that he doesn't even LIKE the type of mother that I am. That he doesn't even LIKE the more pronounced aspects of my personality. That he doesn't even LIKE the way that I am -- at all.
So I am left wondering why he even married me at all. Was he lying to me? Or what he lying to himself?
Either way, I will never become some soft and "loving" person. It's not who I am at all. I never have been, I don't feel that I ever will be.
However, simply because I am not physically demonstrative as soft and loving... everything I do, I do to help other people.
I am going into the field of social work. My heart and soul is with helping the homeless and disabled populations. It's why I resigned from the job I had: I was not serving anyone sitting behind a desk. I NEED to be out in the field, serving, helping, and protecting.
Oh well.
I very well really could just be unfit for intimate relationships.
Under NO circumstances should
Under NO circumstances should ANY of you money be used to pay for this.
CS is meant to pay for these activites. Your DH is an absolute ASS to expect you to contribute to such a thing.
Your first priorities are YOUR son and finishing your education.
You did what you needed to do to go back to school and your DH knew this and needs to honor it.
If he does this...I would consider selling the house and moving on.