I slept on the sofa and he left for work this morning without saying good-bye.

You know, I think he wants me to be "loving" toward them. I can't be. THEY. ARE. NOT. LOVABLE.

They do not behave in lovable ways. They are rude and destructive. Every moment spent with them is spent in "damage control" mode. They can't be left alone for 5 minutes without having done something seriously, seriously wrong. If they are quiet, even their father gets a horrified look on his face because he knows they are up to something really, really bad. They can't be trusted. I don't find that type of behavior "lovable."

For example: Last night when I asked him how he planned on dealing with them when they started to get out of control. The only thing he said was that he plans of "separating them." So I asked him where he plans on putting them while they are separated. He ignored me. Yup, ignored me. So I ignored the fact that he was ignoring me and went on to suggest that one be sat at the dining room table and the other on the sofa.

You know what he said? He said, "I can't do that. You know how destructive they get. If I sit them at the table or on the sofa, they will damage it."

:O

The worst part is, he is absolutely right.

Yet, he is worried about me being "too stern?" :?

I suppose what I find the most amazing is that he honestly feels that I should love them. I don't get it. Healthy people don't LOVE other people who act that way. He may love them because they are his children, but his expectation that others will love them too is completely founded in fantasy land.

This situation is so screwed up that I don't even really know how to handle it. The way things are now is that I am polite to them when they aren't being assholes and I try to only "discipline" (i.e. stand up for myself) when my DH isn't taking care of it. I've disengaged in the following ways:

I don't grocery shop for them:
I gave this up when they turned me buying food for them into a game of, "one week we'll like something, they next we won't"...

I don't cook for them:
I gave this up when the food that I cooked went cold, uneaten, ended up in the trash, and pizza replaced it on the table. Good job "Dad"...

I don't go pick them up from BM or drop them off from BM:
BM is psycho who has imaginary conversations and to whom people do imaginary things to. She can't be trusted. Also, the kids break out into fist fights in the car, scream, throw things, and then when someone tries to discipline them, they scream "ABUSE!" None of these people can be trusted.

I don't go to any of their activities:
See above.

I don't clean up after them:
Why would I? I don't even clean up after my own son.

I don't do their laundry:
Why would I? I don't even do my own sons laundry.

I don't play with them:
I refuse to take on the role of "friend" or "playmate" -- they have enough of those. Besides, every game I've tried to play with them in the past turned into a virtual bloodbath from their fighting and arguing.

I don't ask about their academics:
DH has demonstrated that he is not willing to participate in their academics and/or get involved or try to do something about SD's poor school performance. If he doesn't care, why should I?

I don't ask after their health:
DH has demonstrated that he is not willing to participate in their healthcare. As is evidenced in the fact that BM has SD heavily medicated on psychotropic drugs, yet he has never once followed through with talking to BM about why the kid is being medicated and/or calling the doctor who prescribed them. If he doesn't care, why should I?

I don't talk to them more than I have to:
Why should I? They aren't nice people.

I don't trust them in my bedroom and/or around my property:
Why should I? They have demonstrated time and time again that they have zero respect for other people's property (we are talking structural damage to the home and property damage inside the home. $1000's in damage.)

I don't make sure they shower and/or brush their teeth while they are here:
Why should I? If their father doesn't care if they are clean and/or that their teeth don't rot out of their head, why should I?

This year I won't buy them a separate Birthday and/or Christmas gift:
These kids won't even Thank the people who give them gifts. Their father has to hound them to do it. By then, it's clear that they aren't even in the slightest appreciative. Not to mention, that no one bothered to teach these children the skill of gift opening. That is, pretending to love a gift even if they don't. These kids open their gifts, and if they don't like the gift, they snarl at it, verbalize a "Eww. I didn't want THIS!" and throw it on the ground. They do this IN FRONT of the people who give them the gift! I. am. not. making. this. up.

I don't deal with BM in any way:
DH consistently refuses to stand up for himself as a father and a man. She jerks him around, he let's her. If HE isn't going to do anything about it, why should I? Plus, she's crazy.

AS OF LAST NIGHT:

I will no longer allow him to even talk to me about his kids at all:
Given that he obviously feels that I am such a horrible person and a horrible mother that he doesn't even want me TALKING to his children, why the hell should I listen to him even talk about them at all?

He has gone way too far. He has stabbed me in the eye for the last time.