Not.

Counselling last night.

Went well. Sort of.

We talked about the notepad incident, and how well it had been handled, and what we both did differently that made it a much smoother incident.

We talked about how we felt - I told OH that I did actually feel HAPPY afterwards, when he came downstairs and told me he'd kept at SD until she stopped lying, and had given her consequences. Of course I was not happy that it happened, or that he had to deal with it, but I was happy that for the first time in our relationship he DID step up and handle it. Not attack me or blame me or the dd's instead of dealing with SD.

We talked a bit about WHY does she do this stuff. And SS too, with his issues. And the counsellor talked him through it until he stopped saying "I don't know, it's so not like her" and actually started to think about WHAT IS GOING ON FOR THEM! Yay, lightbulb OH, as I have been saying for just over 2 years now. They have fears, and anger and hurt and jealousy about THEIR dad living with me and the dd's. Hence why it's US that are the "victims" of their behaviour (for want of a better word)

So, he has admitted how it feels to him to not have them with him ALL the time, how hard it is to have to drop them off to BM and not see them every day, not be there for them ALL the time like he would like to be etc, which I get, sort of (LOL)

And she asked him to consider whether they might feel the same way as well, that it might be just as hard for them etc.

She wants him to talk to them and try to get them to open up about why they are behaving how they are, what they are feeling, and to just keep gently pushing and asking until they do. Then let them express their emotions and let it all out and it will help them. It won't change the things they don't like (dad not being there with them all the time) but just being allowed to express it is supposed to free them from some of the hurt and anger. She told him that after him expressing his pain (above) and crying about it he pain and the ball of hurt inside him will start to seem smaller, more manageable and hurt a little less over time. This is where we differ. He has told me over and over about his pain, about how hard it is, and I KNOW that every moment of every day he suffers - trust me he does not suffer in silence, I KNOW he is hurting and it's fucking hard to live with to be brutally honest. To know that every second he spends just with me he wishes THEY were here, that I am NEVER going to be enough, that he is always wanting them and hurting. I even have wondered if he is still hurting and suffering when we are making love. Yes, he goes on that much about how the hurt and pain are ALWAYS there.... sorry, got off track LOL

It all makes sense. But he has expressed his pain and anger and said it makes not one iota of difference expressing it, it still hurts ALL the time. So. Now he is supposed to talk to his kids, allow them to say whatever shit they want about us, which he has NEVER corrected or told them is not ok - he has allowed them to disrespect me for over two years, so I don't know why this time makes me so upset!!!

And I know that if and when they do open up and spill that hurt and anger and pain he is going to want to FIX it (which is not the purpose of the exercise) And that will undoubtedly mean throwing me and dd's under the bus again.

And now he is feeling guilty and hurt that HE has caused this for his kids, and I am the one who is being made to suffer for that, he has already withdrawn from me, he is straight back into being ONLY the daddy, there is no time or love or energy for me. After we got home I was virtually ignored while he sat and looked miserable and brooded about all his and their pain.

And they are due here tonight, YAY. It will be lets be all up their butts all weekend to show them how little Luchay matters that they are still my number ones because he thinks that is what they need.

Fuck this shit I am so sick of it.

Then I get up today and drive 40 minutes to a one-off job - a bond clean, get there and no-one is there to let me in. (oh have I mentioned that last weekend when the skids were here I left my phone charging on the kitchen bench and ALL my messages were mysteriously deleted?) Yeah, all my clients and new jobs etc, so I didn't have a number to call this job and find out. Waited 20 fucking minutes, head office didn't have the info anymore either.

Then I have just opened the mail and OH got TWO speeding fines last Sunday when we took the kids ice skating. Nearly $500 in fines.

Just fucking wonderful.

And they'll be here in three hours.

I just want to crawl into my bed and cry and not come out til Sunday (if then) feeling very depressed today.