Not intending to be bitchy but I think you will have to compromise a little. I think it is reasonable for you to give enough notice for SM to get time off work so they can do family things. I am sure the kids will have plenty of time alone with their father.
As for the financial stuff, SM may not be aware of what dad offered in regards to the tax situation. In your shoes, I might reply that I certainly will have my deposit and that I am only asking for their portion because that was the arrangement dad made with me. I would then say that to keep the confusion to a minimum you would prefer to only discuss financial arrangments with dad, although you understand he will probably need to confer with her separately.
But that's just me. Good Luck!

I thought fund raising was cover some if not all the trip for the girls? So your exes part is half of what is left right? Sorry just trying to understand. As far as sm she might be thinking the same thing of the fund raising and her bf wasn't handling in a timely manner that she needed too b/c I know that if it were me dh's money is my money as well. I don;t think it was to offend you I think it was just to take of it sooner rather then later.

How does the non-CS work where you live? Was ex suppose to file a waive during the time frame he was 'retraining' aka unemployed? Do your laws allow you to seek arrears if ex hasn't followed the proper steps? Nine months with no support coming in as ordered is a longtime.

Anyway, as to the communication. I suppose except for the fact it's unnecessary and annoying to know he is cc-ing the emails, it's harmless enough. I would ignore and not answer any emails arriving directly from the SM. You don't co-parent with SM. Ex needs to put his big boy pants on and deal with you himself.

If you can swing the deposit on your own, I think you need to stop asking ex about the tax return for that reason. Your Dh, you and the kids can afford to go or not. It's likely the thought that Dh and you are also going that puts off the ex. It's not just the kids, but he feels he is financing a holiday for you/Dh. Doesn't seem to matter in your ex's head that he likely owes you that money and additional too whether there was an upcoming trip to Disney or not. He's got his head stuck on 'holiday' , let the tax check for the trip go. Stop asking. But on the other hand, if your CS laws allow legally going after items like tax returns when a parent is in arrears, I suppose you could think about getting past owed in that matter. If me, I'd be finished discussing Disney with the ex (except perhaps whatever permission he might have to give to allow girls to leave country). I'd not give him one more chance to play this negotiation game...however at some point this guy is going to have to get a job and start paying his CS. You have every right for your children's sake to expect your children get their support from their father. Do the Disney thing on your own dime and the fund raising efforts. Don't count on the tax money for that. If you decide to pursue the back Cs, don't do it solely for the Disney, you either intend to go after back support or you don't. Leave Disney out of the thought process.

I'm going to bet your ex isn't giving her the whole story. It isn't an unreasonable request on the time off issue.
As for the financial snarkiness I'd just kindly state that due to his complete lack of ability to mee his court ordered child support obligation, and his difficult behavior then it's probably best if you just submit to the courts a contempt order and recoup the financial obligation that way. Sometimes with rude people tit for tat is the only way, start cc-ing SM on your communications with your ex if need be, take it to court and expect he to not put anything towards it, document take it to court it's the same thing when it's BM's breaking a CO, why not the other way too?

I think CS is separate from the disney trip. I wouldn't ask for a dime for the trip but you bet your ass i'd be getting that CS.

I feel like there are two issues here...cs being one, communication with sm being another. I think one of the issues we face is that dad with kids...hes still a guy - know it's sexist...but research proves their brains aren't wired to do that generally...there are many exceptions. They aren't planners and most are not communicators, they don't care about details and frequently we end up taking on that role, we ask what's happening and they don't know. I have not taken it upon myself to email my bm if something with her children is unclear as told by my so. That's their deal...even when bm was screwing me over about my own money, I left it up to my so to take care of it. And now I've been putting my boundaries up about spending my money on their kids activities since I don't trust bm, SO doesn't have details, and I don't care.

He just sounds like a dbag with cs. I wouldn't plan on any money from him at any time. Co will have to kick in if he starts working.

Choose your battles.......easier said than done tho, eh?

I do agree with maryjeane though from a sm point of view if I were the only one bring in money I'd say no to the disney dance thing too. Hell my dd got an invite as well to go to the thanksgiving one but we didn;t have the money so she didn't go. I bet sm feels the same way about disney whether it is a dance thing or not she knows they don't have the money which is why she was questioning it. I can see where the sm is coming from.

No her contacting you is the wrong way of handling it. But I'd let that go.

As far as child support you need to get that taken care of. In my opinion the disney thing and cs is 2 separate issues.

i think it's become too big of a mess...boundaries have been crossed (it's none of their business what your personal finances are with your dh, sm has no business communicating with you directly, etc..) take it ALL off the table, go with your original plan of doing without the ex's help. i'm sorry, I didn't read everything, but before your ex offered to help, were there plans in the works to re-institute child support? go back to where you were before this fiasco occurred. chalk it up to lesson learned. in the future, don't rely on "promised" help over and beyond child support. child support is all you're entitled to, so that should be all you ask. and, you are very much entitled. go get what is legally yours and your kids'. communicate this to your ex: I've decided to fund this trip on my own as originally planned and will not need your contribution. however, it is vitally important that you begin paying your court ordered child support, and I have no further need to communicate with your wife (or something along those lines). end this silliness. who cares why sm is contacting you? anyway, I've learned that it's never good to do "favors".

just read your update...see what "favors" get you? he now thinks he's ENTITLED to cross more boundaries. i'd tell him to shove his $$ and just worry about paying his child support.

I am confused how you would think in September that someone still has the tax money they promised you months ago. Esp since he isnt working so we all know that money is gone.

And if you have not figured it out your Ex isnt paying for the trip your ex's fiance is, hence the reference to her money and the fact that she is CC'd on your emails.

So if your going to accept a check from them know it is not them you are accepting money from it is her on his behalf.

It is time to go back to court. If he is courted ordered for half then pay for it all and get to court for back child support and documentation for all the 1/2's he has missed and let the court sort it out.

Or suck it up and take the check but understand where fundementally it is coming from.

And although I can appreciate your feelings about this sight and how you dont tolerate the bullshit on your posts, however I almost didnt answer because of that very statement. Try not to lump everyone in with past experiences.

I would file whatever was necessary to collect the 9 months of back payments, (which will no doubt become 12 or 14 months worth of CS and extras by the time you get some relief) THAT HE AGREED TO PAY in the consent order when you separated. Stop being so agreeable and allowing him to avoid his responsibilities. Do you have feelings of guilt about the separation? That's the only reason I can see for you to be so accommodating. You need to see that the money he agreed to pay is your children's money, not yours, and it is your duty to collect it.

Its great that he agreed to pay what he originally offered to pay. But the first thing I'd do is go file for the cs. You can subtract the cost of the trip off the back support if you feel that would be more fair. But you will continue to have these problems unless you get some cs rolling. It's not fair to shortchange your girls in anyway because you are trying to be "nice". Maybe the sm will make your ex get up off his ass and get a job if you file for the support.