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Co-sleeping

luckykell's picture

I know that this is going to probably be one of those sensitive topics for some people, I am just posting my personal beliefs and why (while keeping an open mind), so please do the same. I'm interested to hear other people's, especially SP's, veiws on co-sleeping. Before I go into my personal opinion, I did some research and even in "still intact families" there are a couple of risks with co-sleeping. 1) may cause child to have dependency issues (not usually shown at a young age, but shows in adult relationships and marriages in the future) 2) may cause physical injury (not even including infants, but 100 toddlers a year are killed by co-sleeping. It only takes one small child who sleeps at a wierd angle -like our "Scooty"- and the weight of a full grown adult rolling over to break a neck) With those points being said, I think that in an "intact" family situation then co-sleeping is up to them. However, I think once a divorce has happened and especially when a new relationship is introduced on either side that co-sleeping is a no-no. I think this for a few reasons...1) children sleeping in the same bed as daddy and SM will interrupt that couple's relationship. It will affect their intamacy and sex life. 2) The new SM (and most likely the BM) probably don't feel comfortable sharing a bed with Skid. 3) every couple should have an "escape" room, to just be a couple. No Kids Allowed! And the best room for that to be is the bedroom. I bring this topic up because this has been a rough issue in my personal life from the moment my boyfriend and SD5 came into my life. BF and I agreed that we were ready for "Scooty" to sleep in her own bed, in her own room. But of course since she still does this at her BM's, she pulls the whole "but mama lets me" crap. BF doesn't ever let her win these battles, trying to make her understand that mommy's rules don't cross over into daddy's home. But she still throws tantrums. We have found a temporary middle ground, she now sleeps in her own bed, but it's still in our bedroom. We are moving to a bigger house in October and we've started telling her that when we move to the new house that she's going to be a big girl and sleep in her own room. We'll see how that works out. I was just curious about other people's views...this wasn't meant to be offensive or say you are "wrong" if you do co-sleep. These were just my personal beliefs and I'd like to hear others.

Comments

imagr8tma's picture

me because it was easier, but that was up until she was about 2 years old. It was really hard to break her out of that habit.

I had to do just like you guys are doing. Bought a toddler bed and put it on one side of my room for a couple months. Moved it closer to the door for a couple months, Then in the hallway by my door and then in her room.

Once she got to her room - I did the night light thing for a while - and then she finally was able to cut out the nitelite.

But is was hard. She would wake up and want to get back in my bed a lot of that time. It took I would think if i remember correctly about 8 - 12 months for me to completely break her out of wanting to get in my bed.

It is a hard habit to break completely the longer it stays.

Though it didn't bother me when she was younger. It just gets to a point that I wanted to start dating again and going to bed at 8pm with her was too early for even a dinner date. LOL!!!!

So i had to get her used to not being up under me 24x7 when i picked her up from daycare. She had to become a "big girl" wearing "big girl pants" doing "big girl things" sleeping in her "big girl bed". . . . . That was our little chant every nite.

DoingItAgain's picture

After my son outgrew the basinet at about 6 months, he went to his own room and I was adamant that he not sleep with mommy and daddy. But then came the divorce when he was 4. After daddy moved out, my son began getting scared in his room alone and being a single mom and tired, I got lazy and just said, he can crawl into mommy's bed. I have a big king size bed and it was just him and I. I had no intention of ever having a 'sleep over' with anyone (at least not for a while). As time went on, it became a comfort for both him and me since we were alone in a big house (and I still get scared of the dark at age 40!). We would snuggle and giggle and cuddle and say prayers and then goodnight.

Fast forward to age 8... yes, he still slept in my bed. But when mommy got married, my son had to learn to sleep in his bed again. I began reminding him a few months before the wedding that he would soon need to go back to his own room/bed when I got married and he understood. He was still sad but he was getting a step-brother to share his room with so that eased his apprehension in that he knew he wouldn't be alone. Everything worked out perfectly and I don't regret the 4 years of allowing him to sleep in my bed and I don't think it harmed my son at all. He was old enough at this point that the transition was easier I think.

But back to what I started with, I was adamanat that the child not sleep with mommy and daddy (or SM or SD). Couples need that private time and that is usually the only time they get for intimacy. This should not be sacrificed for the sake of the child. And I feel if a parent would rather sleep with their child rather than their spouse, this is definately an indication of issues in the relationship (I often slept in my son's bed before his dad and I divorced because I couldn't stand to be in the same room as my EH!)

goodmom's picture

I have a split opinion on co-sleeping. I am a breastfeeding mother so my six month old "co-sleeps" with us. Really she sleeps in a crib NEXT to us so I can grab her, nurse her, put her back in her crib and go back to sleep with out having to treck across the house in the middle of the night.

On the other hand, when the girls first moved in with us they wanted to sleep with J and I alot. I figure the change had thrown them for a loop so I allowed it at first
but it became habit fast. Every night they would get up and crawl into our bed with us. It was affecting my sleep since ALL THREE were ruff sleepers. I was getting elbows to nose, slaps to the chest and heels to the groin. I finally had to tell hubby it had to stop. Our sex life started suffering as well which was not an option. Can't very well get it on with two kids stacked up in the bed.

Hubby didn't want to hear it at first becasue he felt sorry for the girls and I did too. I explained that our relationship needed to be healthy if we were going to be any good to the girls. He finally agreed and we started sending the girls back to their beds. It actually was pretty easy re-training them. It wasn't traumatic for them anyway.

One thing I deffinatly find totally strange is parents BATHING with children after a certain age. On Garden Web one poster said her SD's BM was still showering with her 10 year old SD! That to me is waaaay extreme.
Having a baby does not make you a mother.

luckykell's picture

I totally agree on the bathing!! We actually had to kind of give the BM a "duh" moment on this. Scooty must have said something to her about not bathing with daddy anymore, and BM called and asked him why and that Scooty liked taking baths with mommy and daddy. We politely tried to explain it's one thing for a daughter to bath with her mother...totally different for daughter to bath with daddy! We pretty much stopped his taking baths with her the first time she "noticed different parts". Scooty now takes showers all by herself...has problems keeping water in the bathtub, but hey, you can't win them all!

"Live well, Love much, Laugh often."

HeatherM's picture

I don't co-sleep with my kids... but I did when my daughter was nursing still... you see, I don't co-sleep because I don't WANT to. I sleep much better with just me and my hubby...and yea...when would you get to do the sex thing haha... anyways... my opinion though is that really North America is the only continent where co-sleeping is such a big deal. In many countries around the world, co-sleeping is the norm.

Personally, if I were to co-sleep I think there is an appropriate age limit. Like 5 years old or something... I mean I guess it would depend on the kid. As a stepmom, I would be a little annoyed at some kid crawling into bed with me... but in reality.. if it were my own kid I probably wouldn't mind. (My son used to come into bed with me, usually only when he'd had a nightmare or something).

Casper3's picture

but my skids are boys. I really think I would feel different with a girl. But I don't let my BD2 sleep with us on a consistant basis. Nor does she want to. After a nightmare she might crawl in with us but that happens very rarely. My skids 10 and 12 get sent back to bed.

I even had trouble giving the boys baths when they were younger and DH and I were first together. I had a fear that they would innocently tell BM, "Casper washes me there" Biggrin They were 4 and 5 then.

In a nutshell, I think it is a personal preference but I do think it is easier for a nuclear family to do that rather than a step family. At some point it just crosses a line.

stepmom2one's picture

My SD 3 1/2 at the time wanted to shower with me :jawdrop:

I was like "sorry I like to shower by myself"

SD "but my mom lets me and you're going to be my mom too"

Me "no that is just for your regular mom not SMs"

My SD was very upset for awhile but I felt weird about it, even if she was just 3.

stepmom2one's picture

My SD was 3 1/2 when her and H moved into my 1 bedroom apt. So she sometimes slept in the bed with us, sometimes on the couch. But I was the one saying "just let her tonight" my H was the one trying to kick her out to get something from me Wink

Our oldest son didn't like to sleep with us, we tried. My newborn slept in the bed with us till he was 2 months. 4 kids died in just that 2 month period due to co-sleeping so we starting putting him in his crib.

I think that co-sleeping is ok if both the adults agree. But not every night, just every once and awhile. I think it is good for bonding.

startingover2010's picture

before bf and i got a house together, sd was sleeping in daddy's bed. i never stayed the night at their place because i felt too weird. once we moved in together, sd would sneak in our bed in the middle of the night. i had to start taking her back in bed. finally she stopped after 5 yrs. what a releif, cause now she is 11 and im glad bf has been waaaaay over the co-sleeping thing.

Packermomx2's picture

1) There is more to intimacy than sex.
2) Sex does not have to happen in the bedroom.
3) I agree... as a mother I do not want my kids sleeping with anyone but one of their parents.
4) If co sleeping will affect the SP/parent relationship, it will do the same to the parents in intact families.. IF they let it.
5) Both my kids co slept with me. Both are fine.