Not knowing if I should disengage
My husband has two children from his ex 13 year old girl and 16 year old boy. We have a 6 year old together. My SS has lived with us majority of the time since he was 7. My SD lived with their mom. My husband said he'd like my help and that I could help discipline when its needed. I was fine with that because my SS was with us mostly. As time went on I noticed my husband wasn't really caring what the kids did. When I would tell him why the kids lost their electronics he began getting annoyed that all he would hear about is the kids did this bad thing and he was tired of it. Now that the kids are teens it seems their mother and father just kind of jumped shipped making sure their hygiene is good and don't bother to check up on their grades. My SC need to be told other wise they just won't do it. SS went weeks without shower or brushing his teeth while at his moms. My SD has been living with us majority of the time for the last three years. As a motherly person it's so hard for me because the kids should have someone who cares in their life. However they like that their parents don't care what they do. SS has slight autism and has emotional issues and my SD thinks killers are cool even wished for a school shooting to happen to take out one of the mean girls . I'm being nice to help my husband out but they are getting to be too much with the lack of both their parents parenting. Even tho my husband asked for my help is this where I just draw the line and take a step back? In my head I think well if I don't make sure they take care of their hygiene cps might get called. That's all I would need in my life is to deal with them. I know I'm step mom but I'm a caring person so it's hard. I don't want to see them fail in life. My husband is a good man but isn't good at thinking what needs to be done but if I tell him to do something he does it. He's also is the same way with our daughter. My husband didn't understand why the kids don't ever go to him first and that hurt his feelings. So I did at one time tell my husband I was going to step back. I also told the kids when your dad is home he should be the first one you go to. Neither my husband or my SC liked that very much. So I didn't end up stepping back. Im 31 my husband is 40 and is ex 38 you'd think by now they would have their heads on their shoulders on what their kids need.
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Disengagement is your friend
Ive found that disengagement is the way to go - especially as they get older and more independent.
Because you are/have been over functioning and stepping in where you feel you need to, or where you see the parents are NOT, when you do disengage its a bit of a shock.
If your authority is at all questioned, or your parenting of the skids is not backed up when challenged, then yes, disengage.
If questioned directly about this, simply state that:
"I cannot care more about your children than you or BM".
"I cannot be expected to have all the responsibility, without the authority".
"These children have 2 parents and I am not one of the two".
Ty
Thank you. It really helps getting others perspective.
Step back but don't announce
Step back but don't announce it. Just send the kids to their dad. "Go ask your dad" is your new response to any requests. As for their hygiene, what happens at BM's house is just that , her responsibility, if the school reacts and reports her , that is her consequence. If it bleeds over to your home , then you make it very uncomfortable for your DH to ignore the problem. You can't live your life constantly on alert for problems from skids and BM. They are sucking all the joy from your life. Disengagement is for YOU. To make your life easier and less stressful. DH doesn't like parenting, that's obvious. He did create 3 kids and he needs to step it up big time. Stepping back allows him room to do it. You will also need to come to terms that your perfect structured household will suffer some. Common areas should be clean , any messes that attract rodents and bugs or mold should be not be tolerated but messy bedrooms can have the door shut.
Hold your bio to your standards and explain that the skids have a different mother and she has different standards. That has no affect on how you raise bio.
You can't and must not care more than bio parents. You own bio will suffer if you do that.
Stepback
These Bio parents made these kids. It's there job to parent them. You must start think about the future. If SS has autism. How is he going to make it as a adult? Is he going to be living with you forever ? You must start to protect yourself and your bio child . Disengage from SK and put all your efforts into your bio child. Six is the age where you can start doing cool things. That a kids at 16 and 13 will not want to do. Lego land. North Pole.
I would have CPS/LEOs all over DH, BM, and the Skids for this.
Neglect cannot be tolerated by a parent toward a child. Engaging in discussing school shootings, etc... have that confronted by the Police to make sure she is not a risk to others.
I get that she is likely just flapping her teen gums but... having the Police half way up SD's ass might do her and her idiot parents some good.
To protect your own young child, your DH's failed family spawn cannot be allowed to pollute your home and family experience.
smh.