Someone is a deep thinker today! LOL, it seems like we all give our situations A LOT of thought.

1. Do you think kids of a custodial father/SM can get PAS'd?

---Yes, I think any kid can be the victim of PAS, even those in an intact family

2. Do you think you cut your bios a lot less slack than your skids?

---Definately, I am invested in the outcome of their upbringing. I expect more from them.

3. What do your skids call you?

---SD tries to avoid having to call me anything. SHe tries to avoid any communication with me whatsoever. When she is forced it's my first name. And that is ok with me.

4. Why do you think it is harder for SM's to form relationships with their skids and vice versa than it is for Stepdads?

---I think mothers tend to foster their kids emotional state more than men. We give our kids the 'ok' to go ahead with that relationship. I have a lot of other thoughts on this but don't have time now to express them. maybe I'll stop back and add.

Hmm, they're good ones.

1. I think they can, because the kids then glorify the noncustodial BM because she's the FUN parent. The worst part of this is because often the father means well so wouldn't talk badly about BM if he IS custodial but BM talks bad about him, and if he's noncustodial, BM will talk badly about him anyway. No way to win.

2. I don't think I would (no bios yet) when they're under my roof, but who knows? Maybe I will end up doing so.

3. Don't know, can't even talk yet. However I won't have him call me by my first name, as I don't believe kids should call adults by their first. Mrs. FDH's last name, or Mrs. My last name, Mimi, Mama FDH/My Last name, or just mom is fine. I have no preference as long as it's not a bad word or my first name.

4. Because I think Stepdads don't often (not never though) have the requirement to take care of the child beyond a physical capacity whereas stepmoms have to take care of the cild physically AND often emotionally. The skids are also often with the BM's so the BM usually facilitates the relationship, rather than PASing. Besides, the biofather, if he tries to PAS the stepfather, can often have it backfire if BM chooses to make it difficult because he has done so.

These are just my opinions. They're good questions though!

Question of the day
1. Do you think kids of a custodial father/SM can get PAS'd? Yes, and this site has shown it time and time again. It works both ways.

2. Do you think you cut your bios a lot less slack than your skids?
No, my skids were not raised by me so they do not think, act, have my morals or values. I cut the skids more slack because it is taking time to get them to my way of thinking, and running of our household. Also I also have mellowed with age, so things don't bug me like they once did.

3. What do your skids call you? dragonfly...by my first name. My fsd would like to call me mom, but I will not let her.

4. Why do you think it is harder for SM's to form relationships with their skids and vice versa than it is for Stepdads? Because we typically run our homes. We are the rule makers and enforcers most of the time..

^ This is actually a statistic I read. That out of all the familial relationships the hardest to forge is that of a Stepmom and Stepchild than any other. Even Stepdad/Stepchild ranks higher than child and blood Aunt or Uncle.

I do not find this hard to belive at all. And to make matters worse I think most women are insecure. BM's and Step moms so that dynamic just makes everyting harder. Also there are so many disney dads out there that just sit back and do not discipline their children, so that also makes the step mom look bad when she is the one saying, pick up your stuff, eat with your mouth closed, clean your room etc....

Good thought for the day....I will watch for everyone else's response.

Hmmmmmm...ok.....

1. Like Princess Fiona, I believe even an intact family child can be the victim of PAS. I know my mom tried it and her and my father are still married...almost 42 years now.

2. I do expect a lot from my son. However, I did cut him slack too. For example, if he brought home grades that were Bs or higher, I didn't give him as much flack about playing video games. He quickly learned that his homework was priority before the video games.

3. My skids call me by my name, if anything.

4. I think that the SMs not only have to deal with the new family dynamics more than the others, but a lot of times they also have to deal with a jealous/insecure/vindictive BM who attempts to poison the skids against the SM, no matter who she happens to be.

One of the most helpful things for me to keep in mind is that the crap we have to deal with with the skids and PB are issues that would arise no matter what. In other words, PB would be JUST as psychotic on ANY woman that DH would have had the AUDACITY to move on with...because it WASN'T HER! Even though it seemed like PB was out to get me, in reality ANY woman in my position would have got things just as bad if not worse.

My SS is 24. It would be so easy to PAS him - but I don't just because I try to be a better person than that.

One he is an adult. Two she is a true POS. Those would be my excuses for saying bad things about her - not doing it to a child and of course it is the truth. I did not meet him until he was over 18.

Other reason is that he is perfectly aware that she threw him on the street at 15. She will not include him in any holidays (live about a mile apart). He is only allowed at her home if she needs some heavy duty help done outside. Most of this is because of her ex-heroin addict husband. He must know that she treats him like crap and always has. I don't need to tell him.

Now is their defense the ex-addict has been clean about a decade so more power to him. The SS has drug and alcohol problems and is often homeless. They supposedly made some attempts to help him many many years ago (I was not around). If I had conquered an addiction problem I would not do anything to jeapardize my sobriety either.

What is true is that BM is just a whore. Both of her children were the result of ONSs of which she is the queen. The woman really is one of those pitiful types who has no ability to say no. She cheated thru marriage to DH. Her motto is "ask and ye shall receive" when it comes to men. I don't think for an instance she is faithful to this husband either.

I despise her yet on another hand I feel sorry for her. She grew up in a very, very privileged family. She has a degree and a good job. Yet she does not have enough self esteem to keep from acting like trailer trash. (no offense to anyone living in a trailer - many of my relatives have).

Rest of the answer:

Not a BM.

I guess he calls me by my first name. I avoid him.

I don't really consider him a SS. I refer to him as that ONLY here just for identification purposes. He is DH's son. I told DH that from the beginning. He'll never be my son of any kind. I met him as an adult (ok quasi adult - over 18 but emotionally about 10). He likes me much more than I like him.

I don't hate him or anything like that. He just is living a life that is so far out there for me. I don't normally associate with homeless druggies. If something happened to DH I would never see him again (my choice). I have no bond with him. I am polite and occassionally have him over for a meal - but totally for DH.

1.yes
2.Yes,I'm more invested and have more control of how they turn out.
3."Aunt CTN" because I'm officially his aunt.
4.The sociatal expectations and role of mothers.
Wow! Seems pretty grim when it's broken down in those ????s, huh?

"Jesus wept" is the shortest verse in the bible.

1. I think it is very possible. Children have a very special bond with thier moms no matter what they do and need their approval.
2. My bio in only 3 1/2 months so in the future I hope to treat them equally in that sense. SS does not get away with things to much at our place. Yes his situation is difficult but treating him differently is only taking away from a normal childhood experience.
3. He calls me by my Name or sometimes mom when he gets really excited about something. Thou I discourage this because he already has a mom and has been told by her not to call me mom.
4. In my situation he formed an instant attachment to me. He tells me how much he loves me, gives hugs and kisses. In my case it was harder to form an attachment to him. But I think in general children are naturally closer to there moms and dont want to feel as thou they are replacing their moms with stepmoms.

1. Absolutely

2. I have nothing to do with my SK's because they have nothing to do with me. I do not participate in any "punishments" given to them... now that I think about it I don't think there ever has been. Anyhoo, I mind my own business, and raise MY children the way I want them raised -- responsible, accountable, respectful, productive members of society. Some day I'm thinking my SK's will probably be asking my Bios, "Would you like fries with that?"

3. My SK's call me everything INCLUDING late for dinner. They've never called me by name. The closest it's ever came is in conversation with their dad, using the pronouns "HER" and "SHE" (spiced up with a snarly lip and snotty attitude)

4. I agree with many of the other posters that SF's find it much easier to bond wtih SK's than SM's do for a number of reasons. I think that because moms are the emotional pillar of the family, kids will always feel an allegiance to the mom. And many times kids are taught that you cannot have two allegiances. I know for a fact that my SK's really don't LIKE their mom. But they don't like me either. I'm thinking they just don't like "women of authority" in general.

1. Do you think kids of a custodial father/SM can get PAS'd?
Yes, I feel like I was PAS'ed by bm and even some by dh. They both needed a convenient figure to blame all their son's problems on. BM felt very competitive with me when ss was younger and was developing a bond to me. She interceded to make sure that didnt happen. Once she got custody of him and realized how bad his behaviors were-she apologized to me. I dont think she intentionally, with premediation PAS'ed me, I think she truly believed I was at fault for all the problems.

2. Do you think you cut your bios a lot less slack than your skids? I occassionally cut my kids slack about some things, but not about big stuff-which would be grades, substance use, acting out behavior, etc. I tend to cut them slack about things like the cleanliness of their rooms. I have cut ss all sorts of slack over the years as he has many many behavioral problems. My dh never held him to the same standard as the other kids (thus contributing to his behavioral issues)so he would have literally been in trouble 24/7 if I hadnt cut him slack much of the time.

3. What do your skids call you? "she" or "her" or by my first name. From ages 2-9 he called me mommy. After he moved out we reverted to the above.

4. Why do you think it is harder for SM's to form relationships with their skids and vice versa than it is for Stepdads?
Mom is typically every child's primary attachment figure. I think children experience alot of guilt feelings for feeling close to a stepmom-especially if there are any sort of jealousy issues from the bm. I also think we, as sm's, are far more involved than the typical stepdad which thereby causes the bm to have more issues and the kids to feel more guilt.