You are here

The conversation from last night...

MissElphaba's picture

Submitted by MissElphaba on Tue, 12/30/2014 - 3:08pm

I'm sure once I tell you what SO said to me, you'll understand why I was both laughing and crying.

SO- "Your stepdaughter wants to come visit this weekend, you know she'll be pretty relentless until you say yes... and you and I both work Saturday, so she'll only be here one night."

:jawdrop:

What. The. Actual. F***?

I said, "She is not my step anything, we are not married." (I know this was not the most articulate answer, but I was flustered and it just came out.)

He said, "Well you are all but, if you're not a stepparent, then what are you to her? You know, she looks at you as a mother-figure, and I'd rather have her start seeing you that way because you're mom to my boys and her mother is a tramp." :sick:

I said, "I am your GF, I am also DS and baby fish's mom. I am not her parent, you are."

He didn't say anything else, and he didn't really act angry...but I am 100% positive this will come up in a fight in the future, or he will stew about it for a few days and blast me about it. :?

I can't even wrap my head around this. He has been mentioning "wife" status around me a lot lately, and we've kind of pushed marriage off the table right now. Not because we're not committed, but because we just can't financially do the whole ring/ceremony/reception situation that would be appropriate for our friends and family. That's fine - honestly, with what's going on with us right now, marriage isn't even on my mind anymore.

I need advice how to handle this. I am not even worried about her visit anymore.

Comments

Sootica's picture

Submitted by Sootica on Tue, 12/30/2014 - 3:27pm

I think it's best you both address this topic sooner rather than later. The last thing you want is it being hauled up as ammo in an unrelated argument. DH has in the past tried to involve me when it comes disciplining SS as I am the stepmother (we are married), however since I've disengaged I've told him he needs to parent his own child and being a stepmother is merely a default title I got by being married to DH.

AllySkoo's picture

Submitted by AllySkoo on Tue, 12/30/2014 - 3:37pm

I agree, you guys need to have a serious discussion about expectations. Sounds like he expects you to be "mom" and you don't. That is a HUGE disconnect, and needs to be addressed.

I've said it before - a step parent's role is like those overlapping circles you see (called a Venn diagram). One circle holds everything your DH wants or will allow you to do. The other circle hold everything you're willing to do. ONLY the stuff that overlaps should actually be considered your "role".

You guys both need to fill out your circles and see what overlaps.

dogtac69's picture

Submitted by dogtac69 on Tue, 12/30/2014 - 6:07pm

You need to go ahead with a wedding, even if you have to skip the expensive things. You are living in a married situation without really having the benefits of marriage. A wedding would protect you if something happened in the future. If he is committed, he will want to protect you. Good luck.