Need advice BAD right now :(
I need advice bad ...
SS13 made an Allstar team that goes away in Dec for 7 days to another state. Far away, like 3 hour flight far. Yay congratulations this is an insane opportunity and won't ever come around again because you can only make Allstars in 8th grade!
BM has been her usual selfish self serving self throughout the regular season, only showing up when she absolutely HAS to... generally the dads take these boys and that's just the way it is. The only mom's that go are the ones still married but Shocker, BM has decided this will make for a perfect little getaway for her. Because she will have nowhere to send SD12, she has to take her as well (despite the fact that she is not even working because drunk mcdrunk got fired for showing up in her regularly drunk state) and has had one of her bf's (ppl - mostly old desperate guys- she will occasionally sleep with to get free dinners or $$ or things her kids need that she would never spend HER $ on, like school supplies) put it on a credit card, oh aND theres even a gofundme page LOL. So sounds like it will be a nice little family trip.
BTW the school does a fundraiser for SS13 and he's entirely paid for, BM just wants to go and have a good time but can't afford it, with no job and all.
Anywho, the reason I'm writing is because SO wants to go. Weeks ago we had a conversation about this, that in the event SS13 got picked he would take him aND it would be a great bonding experience for them etc especially since recently they have been drifting apart. SO just assumed BM wasn't going because she has no job, and the dads always take them, however he promised if BM went he would absolutely "no way in hell" go or want to...
Now here we are 1 week later and he "hasn't decided yet" ... I told him last week when we first found out that this wasn't an argument, and if he did decide to go, I would not be waiting here for him when he got back. He said he completely understood and he would feel the exact same way...
Now, as the date is approaching and he's thinking more about it, he doesn't see what the big deal is. Why can't he go? It's not his fault BM will be there. Other parents will both be there. It's not like they're sharing a hotel room.
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I'm uncomfortable with the
I'm uncomfortable with the entire family vacation scenario that it has turned into. And yes, we do have bigger issues surrounding his relationship with BM. They have boundary issues that we've been working on for 2 years. However BM still says and does whatever she wants, including still asking SO for $$, which was her initial idea of what the trip would entail, she pays her way to go, then SO pays for both kids and all the extra expenses, which without going into too much detail, will be many.
Also the fact that BM and I quite recently got into a verbal altercation because I called her out and said she manipulates and uses SO, which ended in her threatening to beat me up multiple times, call me every name in the book to my face and to SO via text mesgs, all to which he responded by either deletING the mesgs to protect her, or took her side.
We have had a lot of drama recently and BM still to this day runs her mouth to SO saying I'm jealous of her, I'm trying to compete with her, that her SO are more than just friends and he tells her everything... all to which he will not respond to her and brushes off with me saying she's an idiot, and laughing at me being upset about it. So yeah, issues.
It seems like most of these
It seems like most of these guys don't have issues and think everything is working with the ex until a new woman comes on the scene and breaks up the happy manipulative relationship. Most guys don't ever want to rock the boat with the bm,so they will eat shit.
it is us big meanie new wives that tell our husbands to stop that crap.
Holy Cow Your issues are
Holy Cow :jawdrop: :jawdrop:
Your issues are with him, not SM. Why are you even wasting your time with this dude?
I agree that your DH should
I agree that your DH should go. I know that it is hard when BM is around, but this is a great opportunity for your SS. I think it would be unfair to make DH miss the opportunity to see his son experience this once in a lifetime achievement. It sucks that BM found a way to go, but that shouldn't deter your DH from bonding with his son.
I can understand your
I can understand your feelings but I don't think stopping your SO from going is the answer.
Can you go with him? I don't know where the trip is but you could site see during the day and spend time with your SO during meals and in the evening.
If not, this sounds like one of those times you will just have to suck it up. This may be the only time your SO gets to do this with his kid.
I would very much like to go
I would very much like to go with him. BM initially stated I was not allowed, like she thinks she's in charge, so SO doesn't want to fight her on it.
BM said your not
BM said your not allowed???
Don't allow BM to have that much power over your life. You are an adult. You can go where ever you like and if BM doesn't like it, to fucking bad.
Oh hell no!!! H E L L
Oh hell no!!! H E L L No!!!
Please take this advice from a bitter bitch like me...
Never let a man trample over you like that, and never let him put another woman's feelings before yours. You teach people how to treat you. My dh has had to block the bm out of our life when her toxic threatened to destroy us and our family. It was not about the skids, but about her.
Who the fuck cares what that woman wants. It certainly shouldn't be you! If your dh goes, I would now plan to go with him. If he doesn't want you to, then you need to leave and let him find a woman who will be happy to be a sister wife with his ex.
Your dh is making this all
Your dh is making this all about him. This is the opportunity for his son to be part of a team and experience that one on a lifetime opportunity. If the mom is there, there will only be contention and the kid will be torn in three directions, the team, his mom and sister, and his dad. That will only make the kids resent his father, not bond.
Your marriage matters as well. This all about the kids stuff is just crap. If it bothers his wife, the. He shouldn't go. Period. I am a biomom and stepmom in a yours, mine, and ours situation. I know the loyalty bonds school of thought, and those bonds should be mutual respect to each other first. You are not being unreasonable, you had talked about it and now he wants to change the rules.
I would love to go.
I would love to go. Especially since I've been to every one of SS's games for years. SO actually initially thought it would be a great family vacation. The first problem is obviously that BM is going now, but the second is $$. This trip would cost us about $2-4,000 right before Christmas...
I have an athletic son who is
I have an athletic son who is very good and will be traveling to another state in December for a national meet. If my DH told me I couldn't go see him because my exH may be there I'd tell him where to stick it. If you block this trip in any way your SO WILL resent you.
Is 'drunk mcdrunk' who is
Is 'drunk mcdrunk' who is regularly in a drunken state, BM? If so, that's something the organizers/team chaperone should know.
Yes, in fact when junkie SS20
Yes, in fact when junkie SS20 was in middle school he went to states and BM decided she would attend if for no other reason than to party. Which is exactly what she dod, the entire 3 days. Her and SO were still together and she embarrassed him and junkie SS20 beyond the point of mildly intoxicated, straight to black out drunk found in the lobby the next morning and in some other guys room the following morning. SS20 still remembers how embarrassed he was. SO assumed BM wasn't going because of finances this time. Obviously she still found a way. Already posting all over fb about "can't wait for our big trip to ***! Need this getaway!" So I can only imagine how this time will turn out.
BTW also, BM is still currently without a license after crashing her car last year because she was drunk.
since you and he had previous
since you and he had previous discussed this and came to an agreement, this is exactly what he should do. not go. divorce sucks and it absolutely causes parents to miss out on occasional things. his focus should be on making you comfortable, ESPECIALLY with the boundary issues going on. I agree with you, if he goes, you will not be home waiting for him. a man not willing to make his so/wife comfortable and putting others to the side occasionally is NOT ready to have a relationship. maybe he should just put all his effort into his kids and ex and you find a man willing to put you first in his life. when I was looking for a relationship, I insisted I came first (other than kids NEEDS). if my dh did what your so is doing he would have been an ex and he knew it.
She was calling you "every
She was calling you "every name in the book" and he just ignored it? He knows how you feel and is still going? Say no more about it AT ALL. When he gets back, be gone.
It sounds like their are
It sounds like their are bigger issues in the relationship than just this trip.
I was agreeing with the
I was agreeing with the majority that you should let him go, or go with him, until I read this:
I would very much like to go with him. BM initially stated I was not allowed, like she thinks she's in charge, so SO doesn't want to fight her on it.
Your SO wants to go out of state with both his children and his ex-wife. She doesn't want you there,so he doesn't want you there either - because he doesn't want to fight with her about it. What else do you need to know? Clearly he would rather keep her happy then you happy.
I would use the time he is out of state to move to my own place.
Making him feel guilty for
Making him feel guilty for not going is not going to help your relationship. As the others have said you have bigger problems than this trip, why make this such a big deal.
I understand that he said he wouldn't go if BM went but let's be honest, he only said that because he didn't think she'd come up with the money to go. Is that wrong? Yes. Is it a hill to die on? Meh, I'd say no but you might feel differently.
I'd go with him. Find the money and call it an early Xmas present to each other. Go to the games, enjoy the company of the other parents and watch BM embarrass herself.
When I was first dating DH we went to Hawaii for a sports tournament with SS(16 at the time) It was so fun, I got to know the other parents, the kids and it was Hawaii!
We found the money and it was worth it.
The following year the team was going again. BM really wanted to go but couldn't afford it. She first tried to get DH to pay for her, not a chance! She then tried to talk DH out of taking me, said that it should be a time for him and SS to bond. That didn't work either. We made our own decision and not only did I go but my son came too. We found the money and now years later I don't even remember how much it cost us. We had a great time and even if BM had come we still would have had a great time.
Yes my new approach, as I
Yes my new approach, as I honestly don't want him to miss out on this, is if you go I go
I've supported SS at every game so I should be able to go too. Besides, this has turned into a family vacation apparently, and I am SO'S family now too 
As of last week, yes. As of
As of last week, yes. As of this week, no. SS13 has decided he does not want me there (obviously BM got to him and convinced him he doesn't also. She even went so far as to tell him I've never supported him and the only reasons I've been going to his games in the last few years was because I was insanely jealous of her! LOLOL) So SO is now on the fence ... when step son originally relayed that message to SO he was furious and told SS he just won't go then, but that was last week. This week he's decided he's just not sure but either way I am apparently not going.
Not really sure how our relationship is supposed to survive something like this ... SS and BM say whatever they want about me constantly and treat me terribly, and SO just allows it all because it's too much of a hassle to argue with them.
How do you stay with someone that knowingly allows you to be verbally abused for years, and cares more about upsetting BM than you!?
You don't.
You don't.
SO needs to have a talk with
SO needs to have a talk with his son. He's old enough to have a man to man talk.
Dad needs to tell his son that it's not his choice or BMs if you go to the game or not. That SS isn't in control of his relationship and neither is BM.
Let him know he loves him but that he won't be controlled by him.
I feel like this is a turning point and if SS and BM get their way on this it will never change.