Fathers day brunch...with surprise guests
DH wanted to forgo our traditional fathers day plans this year and spend the day at the skids golf club instead. As we got closer to sunday I started thinking about the logistics of spending the day there. Skids are very close to their SF, and he's a member, too. We only see skids on Fathers day every few years, and when we do it's only for an hour. They probably spend fathers day every year golfing with SF, and it was very possible that SF and BM would be with us for Fathers Day. I wondered if DH realized that too, but since I am now firmly disengaged from anything skid related I didn't say anything.
I was right, and judging by DH's face as we walked in he did not realize. We were all at the same table for brunch. The four of us, BM and SF, SS and SDIL, YSD and SSIL and OSD. SSILs parents joined us later. I was sitting directly across from BM and all of her jewelry.
As presents and cards were being handed out, SS raised his glass and said happy father's day to "our 2 dads", thanked SF and DH for being in their lives and said they loved them both very much. I looked over at DH to see how he was taking this and he had a smile frozen on his face like he didnt know quite what to do. Oh well, this is what he chose to do for Fathers day. But I'd had a few glasses of wine so my thoughts were geared more towards how does SF get I love you's and expensive Fathers day presents (I looked up the scotch OSD gave him - over $600 a bottle) and I have never gotten a mother's day acknowledgement from them, let alone a card or a present - ever. Or anything close to an I love you. When SSILs parents joined us there were more toasts and presents and cards for SSIL the "soon to be dad" and his dad.
This was the longest brunch I have ever been to and because it went so late it was nearly time for DH and the skids to go play golf. No time to swim. DH, SS and OSD went directly to play. SSIL went off with his dad somewhere and his mom went to play cards. BM and SF left because they were flying out on vacation. SDIL, YSD, the girls and I went to the pool but since the brunch went so late we couldn't stay long.
DDs and I went to the cookout at my parents and when we got back DH was still at dinner, and he didn't get home until after the girls were asleep. Luckily, DDs, DH and I had our own fathers day celebration on Saturday, because for actual Fathers day we spent less than 5 hours together, and BM was there the whole time. Definitely a new way to spend fathers day!
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Comments
I'm sure your DH had a great
I'm sure your DH had a great Father's Day an he did spend time with all his kids.
Sitting across from BM? Oh, lucky you *gag*. I'm not surprised BM and SF were there and invited. I figured when you first blogged about brunch they would be.
Maybe you can alternate after this. Brunch/Club one year and whatever in your home the next with a home BBQ. If the skids come, fine. If not, oh well.
Did your girls enjoy the lunch and swim for a change? Don't give up your traditions, but compromising and alternating isn't a bad thing. Just different.
There was a blog post earlier
There was a blog post earlier today from Kes and she said the skids ruined her life for 10 years and now they were nice to her and it made her think even more about the bad years. I kind of feel the same way. They made my life miserable for many years and there were no consequences and no apologies. Now we are the only ones compromising and they don't have to compromise at all. DH is just happy to be more involved. Yes, girls had a good time. But the more time we spend with them, the more DH drops our plans to do what they want, the more I think about how awful they were those first few years and how much that affected our lives and how little it affected theirs.
Oh, grow up HRNYC. You are
Oh, grow up HRNYC. You are such a petulant child, twisting words and making everything about you and your feelings. I wish you love and happiness, but I think you would rather push it away so you can be outraged and righteous, all alone up on your high horse.
"But the more time we spend
"But the more time we spend with them, the more DH drops our plans to do what they want, the more I think about how awful they were those first few years and how much that affected our lives and how little it affected theirs."
I've bolded the pronouns and italicized the antecedent. The sentence contains this information: the awfulness of the skids those first few years affected the life of the OP and her DH a lot but affected the skids' lives only a little.
Your response was, "How little the divorce affected theirs?" "Theirs" referring to skids' lives and "divorce" conjured out of thin air.
Yup... she's saying how the
Yup... she's saying how the fact skids were terrible for years to OP and OPs DH greatly affected OP & OPs DH... but hardly affected the skids at all... and the more time she spends around them, the more she thinks about all the times the skids were nasty
WTF does that have to do with divorce?
Whether they have a different
Whether they have a different perspective or not doesn't make a lick of difference in how the OP feels.
Only narcissists invalidate the 'victim's' feelings by claiming they should be empathetic to what the 'abuser' might have felt.
Maybe the skids thought the OP was a bitch. Who cares? That's not what this is about - why must you always try and invalidate how people feel?
I was struck by her
I was struck by her assumption that the children's lives were not effected much. It's an interesting perspective.
The children's lives were not
The children's lives were not affected much by what?
The OP said that she thought the children's lives were not affected much by how awful the children were to her and to her DH in the early years.
HRNYC twisted that and accused the OP of saying that the OP thought that the children's lives were not affected much by the divorce.
Now you're saying that a female made an assumption that the children's lives were not affected much by something.
It's all getting very unclear.
No they got him golf lessons.
No they got him golf lessons. Probably about the same amount. More than they usually spend though. I'm sure they increased the amount of his gift to match whatever they usually spend on SF.
SF gets this enthusiasm
SF gets this enthusiasm because he has the BM Seal of Approval. That's it.
BINGO!!!!!!
BINGO!!!!!!
I applaud you for hanging out
I applaud you for hanging out with BM if you can do this, it is not for me....her off spring are plenty enough to make me know I want to be no where near the original form of the ultimate and original creation...I have already observed enough damaged character in that family tree...LOL.
The part where you wrote how
The part where you wrote how they never acknowledged Mother's Day for you or told you they love sounds like you are jealous and hurt. Those two feelings often go together. I know the J word is hated here, but it is natural to feel it and you shouldn't be ashamed. I am sorry you are feeling them. It is a normal thing to feel them. Do you wanta better relationship with his children or do you wish to be disengaged? There is no wrong answer, but what you decide will effect the path you go down. I hope you can find peace soon. I do think this family has just started the blending process. If can cause some big emotions to come out.
I have read a lot of your
I have read a lot of your blogs and in all honesty I think you aren't giving them enough credit. I will admit I do not know how they treated you when they were younger but they seem to be productive adults contributing to society and not leaching on anyone.
When you have adult children its easier for them to include everyone in one event. Its really hard and often tiring to try and plan multiple events to not hurt anyone's feelings. My sister does this. I do not like everyone she invites so the events I attend I steer clear of the people I do not like. I understand the situation.
I thought it was very nice that they recognized both the men in their lives. No one was cheated on a gift or treated any differently. There are times I don't even want to recognize my father because he is a POS but I do it because it is the right thing to do.
Can you find anything nice to say about the children? Its seems all your blogs are just to disparage them and say how awful they are to you and your children but what you describes sounds like they are very caring individuals. You all do not have to be friends but at least be civil with each other your children will pick up on the hostility. I did when I was growing up about my family and it was really hard to deal with as a child.