So DH's family that normally goes to your Thanksgiving has bailed and are now going to SD's?

I would continue to keep doing what you have been doing. You are basically being "forced" to give up a holiday that you have traditionally hosted. If DH's family doesn't come- well so be it.

SD may find that hosting that many people really isn't all that much fun. The cooking, the preparations, the clean up. Let her suffer.

Enjoy your smaller, scaled back Thanksgiving dinner.

Traditions can change over time as children grow up and have their own families, etc but SD is clearly trying to step on your toes here.

"the offchance that we do end up over there for dessert the only bright side will be eating off one of the obscenely expensive plates we bought them. Will it change the experience of eating for me? Will I see these dishes in person and understand how one place setting costs $1000? How will there be enough dishes for everyone? "

You know either more dishes will have to be purchased (*bats eyes* 'Daddy') or the dishes will be only on display for guest to admire in their antique hutch.

With the exception of hosting another day or Dad going for dessert himself, the remaining 'compromises' put other people out. Eat and leave? Nibble so not to totally spoil the next hostesses hard efforts?

As a side note and own personal opinion...h*ll would freeze before I would ask that many people to play musical houses nor would I dump my tradition of at home Thanksgiving Dinner to go to SD's new tradition. She couldn't be bothered to invite your girls to her wedding or the special child's reception table. Your girls need to celebrate the holiday at home partaking in their usual tradition and loving environment.

BM and her family are going? No way in hell would I go. That alone would do it for me, never mind the sh-t your SD pulled over her wedding. Tell your DH you're still hosting for your kids and family at your house and he can stay or go eat off of obscenely priced dishes at his daughter's, but you will not be joining. Sorry, I would never, ever, ever, EVER share my favorite holiday with BM. Ever.

Does everyone have to have Thanksgiving dinner on the actual day?

We usually have 3 dinners, one Sat, one Sun and one Monday. Yes, it can be a bit much eating that much turkey and ham but it's more about visiting with family.

I would definitely go somewhere warm and let myself be pampered.

This is weird to me because my grandmother and aunts have always swapped hostessing duties for the major holidays so no one gets stuck with the huge bill (and clean up) each time. If you have a decent relationship with your skid then you should go. If the skid is a PIA then don't. It's Thanksgiving and you're an adult. You're no longer forced to do anything with anyone you don't enjoy doing. From other posters's comments I get that your daughter doesn't like you or your children and excluded them from her wedding so I think you know which option you should choose. Don't think about yourself. Think about your kids. Where would they be most comfortable? Your DH can manage his time as an adult and split his day however, but you should host your father per usual and invite the members of Dhs family who usually come. Who knkws, they might be waiting for an option out of SD's evite.