So frustrated - getting in trouble over boys, cutting, and now abuse?
This last month has been so full of drama, I don't know where to begin!
The ladies in the FB group know most of it (If anybody wants to test how searchable it is, PM me, then join us!) but I just have to get it out.
SD will be 15 this week. In the last month:
- BM has threatened to withhold visitation
- BM has screamed obscenities and hung up on DH because he refused to validate her version of the past (she claims she hung up on him because he cussed at her, which is funny because her favorite nickname for him is "Hey m-fer"
- SD14 is grounded for the fourth time over a specific boy
- SD14 "cut" herself because her life sucks so bad (barely scratches, I saw them over Xmas)
- SD14 was put on her third (at least) different anti-depressant and now a blood-pressure med that is used off-label for Borderline Personality Disorder (a load of crap - she's not disassociating with life in the least)
- Speaking of, SD14 forgot all of her medications, and BM's attitude was "Deal with it" when DH refused to drive 5 hour round trip to pick them up
- SD14's bedtime and wake up are such that she gets MAYBE six hours of sleep a night; can you say "WRONG ANSWER" for teens? Don't they need at least 9-12 hours a night?
- SD14 told me she wanted to run away from BM's (I told her that she'd end up hooking on the streets for food, and if she made it to our house we'd ship her back to BM's)
- We found out that BM and her DH still "spank" (an open hand or foot to the butt) SD14 as a means of discipline
- SD14 asked DH last night what exactly constituted child abuse because her stepfather punched her in the arm yesterday, spilling her breakfast all over the floor. She claims he said she was being cocky in answering a question and just swung at her rather than correcting her verbally. She hates being hit because it's humiliating.
A lot of this crap, in my opinion, is because of the toxic environment that is BM's house. BM can't be bothered to parent; she goes back and forth, dealing out crazy-long groundings, but then going back on her word and letting SD do whatever she wants. SD gets NO attention unless she manufactures drama. Her SF's lifting a hand to her - I know I've wanted to slap her a time or two, but that was when she was 12 and a brat; she's practically a meek mouse now.
I think I'm so frustrated because I know SD will never ever decide to leave. She thinks she's the only protection her little brother (7) has. She thinks that because BM doesn't lock her in a closet (like BM's mother did to her) that she's not abused. She thinks that it would "just devastate" BM to have her leave.
I'd dearly love to get my hands on her for six months. I think a decent diet, an adequate amount of sleep, exercise, and a quiet home life would do wonders for her emotional state. I have been on anti-depressants. I have cut myself. I know what a difference living right can make.
It'll never happen. I'm so frustrated.
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I'm sorry This truly is
I'm sorry
This truly is sad. I must have missed the postings on FB because I was visting home for the holidays and MIL had no internet :O
Anyway, I definitely think that your SD is acting out because of BM and the environment that she is in. No, I don't believe her stepfather should have punched her...I don't care if it was in the arm. It is completely unacceptable.
It sounds like your SD is carrying a lot of weight on her shoulders, not only with her situation but also with feeling like she is the only one to protect her brother. No wonder why she is acting out. Poor girl.
I know you and DH are both in the military, but is there anyway that y'all could get her more often? If not, is there anyway to get her into counseling?
We're in a weird situation
We're in a weird situation right now. DH is in school in TX until June. It's E-9 school, which BM hasn't figured out. If she does... Well, the CS amount was set in 2002, and hasn't been adjusted, DH's income has practically doubled, and BM has been unemployed for nearly 5 months. Depending on judges and lawyers, CS could double. While we don't object to paying CS for the benefit of SD, it chaps our ass to pay for BM's convertible and the mortgage on that $275k house while SD15 is running around in thrift store clothes with holes in her shoes.
Of course, according to BM, we're the spawn of Satan. BM has pulled the "She's NOT a mother figure! She's only your father's WIFE!" crap. Not to mention, I was horribly rude to BM at the skid pick-up. I was furious at DH, SD15, and BM, and didn't feel like dealing with BM's two-facedness, so I walked past her and headed for the gas station bathroom without saying a word in order not to blow up and cause a scene. So there's NO question of me getting her solo.
SD15 is in therapy - has been since she was 12. She hates it. It makes her feel like something is wrong with her, and she keeps getting drugged. I told her that if she lived with us, there would be therapy for EVERYBODY. Not "there's something wrong with you" therapy, "let's make this family work" therapy based on coping techniques.
Maybe DH can try to get full
Maybe DH can try to get full custody? It sounds like y'all have plenty of evidence to get it...seing as SD is being abused and then child support won't be an issue. I understand what you are saying about the child support thing. Our BM has a new house, new suburban, and her husband has a new Chevy truck, but yet SS7 comes dressed with pants that have no buttons on them and clothes that come from the thrift store. I try not to think about it because all it would do was piss me off.
Maybe she should change counselor's then? A good counselor forh er wouldn't make her feel that way and if she didn't want drugs they wouldn't give them to her. I do understand what you are saying though and I think it would be good for SD if y'all could be in therapy together.
That's just it, there's no
That's just it, there's no real evidence. There are no pictures, no official reports, absolutely nothing in writing that is acceptable as evidence.
No judge in the country will give custody to a dual military couple, not unless the "child" asks. And even then... BM and her DH are stable. They are not moving, and SD can finish high school where she started. They are "good Christian people" (SD says she hears "spare the rod, spoil the child" all the time when she gets smacked) who volunteer in the community and present the picture of a perfect couple.
Meanwhile, DH and I are physically separated this year. I am deployed for approximately 1/3 of the time. I can't tell you where I will be living in June, and won't know until April. We do not go to church, and you can bet that BM will use that against us, as well as alleging that we are violent and dangerous because we're military. I don't raise my voice even when I am shaking mad, and I have never hit DH - he flinches from me (often) because BM used to hit him for every little infraction.
None of the crazy is on record, so the only chance we have is if SD speaks up, and she won't.
A "good" counselor won't drug her, but BM will insist on it. She's a big believer in "better living through chemistry" which is not necessarily a bad thing, but shouldn't be the first thing you go for. Plus with her being overbearing "concerned mama" the kid will have NO chance to state her preferences or be paid attention to.
This is why I'm frustrated. I can see the trainwreck coming, and can't do a damn thing to stop it.
I am so so sorry. You are
I am so so sorry. You are right..it is a train wreck waiting to happen. Quite honestly, I feel the frustration for you. It really pisses me off that these parents put on a front like they are these Christian people, but all they do is twist the Bible for their purposes only. BM #2 hides behind her church status in our community too. Her mom is real high up and everyone believes the BS lies she spews out of her nasty mouth. Nobody bothers to question why her first child was taken away from her or why her second child is now dead.
Anyway, I feel for you, DH, and this poor child (not to mention BM's other child). It really does seem that your hands are tied. I'm sure SD feels the need to run, but is conflicted because of her little brother and that is so sad.
I agree with you that "better living through chemistry" should not be the first thing you go to. Who knows if that is what is best for the SD? Obviously it is not. Not only that, but her words are so contradictory it isn't even funny. A Christian believes that you have better living through God, not through drugs.
I can only hope and pray for the best for you and your family. I wish I could help out more.
She is being abused and
She is being abused and neglected by her BM and SF, and the distress she's suffering is causing her to behave like this. BM is too lazy and selfish to care by the sounds of it, and the poor kid doesn't know where she is from one day to the next. She's probably been running around with boys and getting into trouble because she's desperate for approval and acceptance, and at such a young age it's so easy for boys/men to take advantage of her vulnerability. Her cutting sounds like a cry for help, and might get worse and more frequent if she doesn't get the help she obviously needs. I was abused as a teen (not by my family, I might add) and I acted the same way as she is doing when I was her age. I felt totally isolated and my abusers made me feel I was worthless and deserved to be mistreated, but I built barriers and tried to show a hard front to the outside world, when on the inside I felt I was dying. It's not acceptable for her SF to punch her, and I wouldn't have dreamt of spanking my daughter at all when she was 14, as I feel that it is degrading and there are far better ways of disciplining a teen than hitting them.
In the UK we have Social Services who deal with child abuse and will try and make children safe when they're at risk, even if it means taking them away from abusive families. I should imagine there's a similar service in the US, and if she's not involved with them now then maybe your DH should consider contacting them as it does seem that she is at serious risk of harm, both emotionally and physically if her BM isn't bothering to supervise her daughter's medication properly. It sounds like the therapy she's getting isn't doing a lot of good - I wonder if there's an alternative, something else which may work better and make her more able to cope. She will probably be scarred for a long time before she recovers from this. Is there any way you and DH could apply for custody? I know that might not be practical or you may not be keen to become a full time SM to such a troubled teen, but it sounds like there would be plenty of evidence for court that she is not being looked after properly.
I really hope that you and your DH can find some way of making things better for her soon.
I don't know how much of it
I don't know how much of it is abuse, and how much is teen drama. This is the first we've EVER heard about her getting smacked in 5(+) years. The drama-llama BM is par for the course - BM's mother is certifiable, and BM is headed down the same path. Even my sweet old Southern lady MIL can see it.
Yes, her mother is crap at dealing with teenagers, but obviously I don't know anything because I don't have kids. It's not like a large part of my job (and DH's job) isn't molding young troops who are (wait for it) teenagers.
I was very much like her, bullied in school - which had a similar effect on me. I eventually got over it, but it took years.
She doesn't act out with us, but we're the fun time parents; we don't usually have to discipline her, and we don't live with her full time. I may have rose-colored glasses on, but I don't think she'd be too hard to deal with.
But SD won't leave. I flat-out asked her last week; "You're never going to come live with us, are you?" and she said, "Probably not. Senior year, maybe."
I think a lot of problems
I think a lot of problems stem from (some not all!) BM - I am not sure if it is jealousy of the other parent moving on or what?? I know my SD13 BM is wierd; they have wild parties (I WONT GO INTO detail w/ that one) We had to put a PFA on her SF because he slapped her after she bit him and then he pushed her to the ground and yelled at her and she hardly ever sees her other three kids at all. SD had/has a really bitter/angry/bad attitude. It's almost like they think something is owed to them?
I would just give up about the sleep thing. I put MY kids to bed by 9:15 and they are up at 6:00 - my BD11 would die if she went to bed any later than that. NOW my SD13 is aloud to keep her phone all night and her TV on all night (if my daughter leaves her room even for ten minutes she gets in trouble for leaving her TV on)
Last night she stayed up until 3:00am!! :jawdrop: It is just crazy sometimes.
It sounds like you have the best interest at heart for you SD - Good luck to you