After almost three years on this site, it's pretty obvious that my issues have nothing to do with SD15, and a lot to do with BM and how she treats SD15.

SD15 has been asking DH about living with us for a year now. With the distance involved, there's no real way to force a custody change without BM agreeing or a long drawn-out expensive court battle that we would almost certainly lose.

A week ago, we consulted with an attorney, and she advised us of our chances, and insisted that in order to have a fighting chance, we would have to allege that BM and her DH abuse SD15 verbally, emotionally, and physically, and SD15 would have to testify to this in open court. Our best hope was to serve BM with a petition to modify custody and threaten legal action, and then offer terms beforehand.

So we told the attorney that we would think about it, and emailed BM.

BM is quite possibly BPD and maybe NPD. She thrives on gossip and conflict. So we kept it short and sweet: "SD15 has been talking about moving to NC. I want her here. I would like to talk to you about options." Then we braced ourselves for the sh!tstorm. In the past, BM has vowed to bankrupt her family to prevent us from stealing "her" daughter, has badmouthed both DH and me, has told SD15 that there was NO WAY custody would EVER change. We expected DH's phone to blow up, with BM screaming, "F you, MFer!"

You could have knocked me over with a feather at the reply we got. Paraphrased, but:

"We think that this exchange should be email only to avoid misunderstandings. We are waiting to hear what options you offer."

Where is the drama? The screaming and cussing? The BPD/NPD madness? Not that we want the conflict, but it was a shock to hear something a rational adult would compose. DH thinks BM is blowing smoke and trying to appear reasonable. I am praying that BM's DH is running the show; he's a little whacky, but the drama has gone down considerably since he and BM married.

So we drafted up a reply that touches on how long (one school semester, as a trial), school choices (offered up test scores and websites) SD15's mental health (individual and family therapy), SD15's spiritual health (long story, but we agnostics stated we would attend church with SD15), and DH's deployment schedule (not at all during the proposed time).

Someone poke me, I can't believe what's happening. I'm sure reality will intrude soon, but for now, it's a good start.