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Ugggg!!!! Just have to vent

Newstep's picture

Submitted by Newstep on Sun, 03/11/2012 - 10:46pm

It's almost 9pm here SD just calls SO and says "mom has to work early so I want to come home now" he says ok fine and hangs up. I am just floored!!! I mean come on is it so hard to have boundaries???? How about talking to BM and saying you should have called me yourself and 9pm on a school night is a little late to remember that you have to work in the morning and can't watch SD.

I asked him if this was ok with him and I get the famous if she wants to come home then she will come home. So I said really so whenever she decides that she wants to go back and forth it's ok with you??? He says I have a child and that is how it will be if we have plans then we will change them because if she wants to come home then she will I will not say no to her. I'm so pissed!!!!! It's more than that I am all for having to adjust our schedule for things. But last minute crap because BM is an idiot is not something that we should accommodate. But so much for boundaries it's all about SD and BM. SO is such an idiot!!!!

Then he can't understand why I get upset with him when he does stupid shit like this. If this was a valid reason and not just BM's poor planning I would be ok but now he just sets the standard for being her last minute call to do whatever she needs him to do. BM is such a user and she will take a mile if he let's her and he is to stupid to see it. I can't deal with this crap!! So I get pissed and come to bed to vent here. h

Comments

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Submitted by oncechoosetosmile on Sun, 03/11/2012 - 11:06pm

O dear.I kind of understand how you feel.I suppose you have some underlying reason to be upset.Is he always dropping everything when SD and BM call and puts you and your life second?
I think it would be nice of him to understand that you feeling upset is not anything against his daughter but about the way things are handled.Where is your say in all this?where is your role in your own house?
It sounds as if this is only HIS home and he makes all the decisions.
Have you read stepmonster?Ithink it is very educational and explains why you feel how you feel.It also explains what men can do to help the situation.
My point of view is- a stepfamily is very different to a core family.It is very important that the adult partners put their rs first and discuss decisions together, of course trying to look at the best interest for everyone.It is very important that the children understand that they are very important but not the centre of the universe and therefore show respect to all the adults.It is essential that the birth parents support the stepparents and ensure that they are seen and heard and not simply overrun in their houses.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Mon, 03/12/2012 - 1:09am

On one level "I want too come home" is a great thing. Your SKid identifies your home as her home.

My Skid does the same thing. He, his mom and I are his family and our family home is his home. The SpermClan, though also family, is relegated to some lesser status and their home is not his home. He refers to our home as "home" and the SpermIdiots as "Dad's house" and SpermGrandMa's as "Gramma's house".

He refers to my parents home as "Deema's and Deepa's". No reference to the structure they live in like when he is talking about SpermLand.

That makes me smile. Biggrin

As for the last minute bail BM's ass out of the wringer call to drop the SKid off early. No, and also no to your DHs perspective that the Skid comes first in all things and that all will be dropped for the kid.

My wife had the same perspective in the early years of our marriage. I finally put my foot down and started forcing the SpermClan to abide by the visitation schedule and we started taking trips and doing things while my SS was on SpermClan visitation.

For years my wife would refuse to take trips during SS's SpermClan visitation time because she wanted SS with us. So did I but I got sick of foregoing our enjoyment of life because we were waiting for the kid to be with us.

I finally told her and him (SS) that I was going on a trip and they could come with me or not. If my trip interfered with visitation then he could chose to join me or go on visitation and if he wanted both then I would inform him SpermClan when he would arrive in SpermLand to start visitation. The CO gave them the right to notify us of the start date of their summer visitation. I pretty much took that choice away from them. Winter and Spring visitation were clearly defined and keyed on the school schedule so we had comparitively minimal drama regarding those visitations schedules.

You need to give your DH clarity on this issue and in a hurry IMHO. Inform him that you will be reasonable and flexable but that he nor you will give up your own scheduled plans to cater to either the Skid or BM.

All IMHO of course.

Newstep's picture

Submitted by Newstep on Tue, 03/13/2012 - 9:50pm

So true!!! Thanks for the great advice Rags I will definitely take it to heart. It's so hard to get through to the guilty parent so it's a constant uphill battle for me Sad

Newstep's picture

Submitted by Newstep on Tue, 03/13/2012 - 9:48pm

Thanks everyone!!! I had a talk with SO and it turns out...... BM has a broken water pipe in her apartment that the landlord hasn't fixed. So no hot water for the last three weeks!!!! She has been taking SD to shower at a friends house. So Sunday night SD decided she didn't want to go the friends so she called SO to come home. Turns out BM was pissed at her for being bratty about not going to the friends house. So she calls dad to come rescue her and he did. Now BM should have hot water but if she made arrangements for SD she should have done it. I mean she had been doing it all week right???

BM was pissed that SO just agreed without talking to her about it yet she never called him either. So the normal BS with them.