Controlling BF and it needs to stop
Ugh I am so frustrated with him right now. In my last blog I talked about downgrading our relationship, nothing really has changed in that regard, though I did not expect it to. As a result of those problems, I thought some time away would be good. This Friday is my dad's birthday, and some old friends are gathering on Saturday in my hometown, plus I've been itching to do some photography and my hometown is a beautiful area, so this seemed like a good ocassion to go down.
I have mentioned it before, going back to visit, so it's not like it came from left field. Still, since he and I have been together, we have never spent a night apart (other than him sleeping on the couch anyway). He's really not into it, despite the encouragement I've given him to go camping with his friends, etc. I have absolutely zero problem with this, whereas he in the past has objected to me overnighting with friends, saying he doesnt' like this one, or that one, etc.
Well, given the problems, I decided I didn't care, that it was ridiculous, and I was going. Maybe I'm wrong for this, but I CANNOT bring myself to ask permission from anyone to do what I want to do. If SD was 4 or something, and needed my constant care, or anything like that, of course there would be discussion. If I was taking money out of the family budget to do this, okay. if I was in any way shirking my responsibility to this family, I would have discussed it. But I'm not, so I told him first, I was thinking about going, then that I was. He seemed fine with it, but I knew it was an act.
Sure enough, the first snarky comment about it was Sunday, and I refused to take the bait. Then yesterday he blew up at me about it, b/c instead of going Thursday-Sunday like I planned, I decided to go Friday-Monday. According to him I NEVER tell him anything, and I ALWAYS do this. Ummm okay, since I have NEVER done this before, I don't understand how I can always or NEVER do anything, plus I hardly think telling him on MONDAY about a change of plans on FRIDAY is last minute. I have a background in therapy, so this always/never crap really really irks me. I let him have it, and told him he was being ridiculous, and he said "I don't want to fight" and I said "neither do I" and went to bed.
I am SO over this behavior from him. He needs to stop trying to control me like this. There is nothing wrong with me doing this, and just b/c he won't take the same steps to enjoy his life with his friends, I'm not going to suffer for that. I cannot make play dates for a grown man to get together with his friends, it's ridiculous. As it is practically every moment of this trip is scheduled now, to cram in as much as I possibly can in a short period of time, and I have half a mind to tell him I'll come back when I'm good and ready and miss you, b/c right now, with this BS, that's going to take a while!
Sorry guys, really mad and irritated right now, Friday cannot come fast enough....
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Sounds like its time to head
Sounds like its time to head out, now! I'd turn Wednesday into Friday
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Hey Northern-sounds like you have the situation well in hand
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
Go. Have a wonderful time. Shut your cell off, and let him play the jealous game all by himself.
You have not done anything wrong
You are a grown adult and you should not have to ask his permission to go. Like you said, you are not shirking any responsibilities, and by the way who says he can't take over while you are gone? Is he not capable of this?
You should go, give it not another thought, and enjoy yourself! I would love to take a vacation by myself but H thinks we oughta be joined at the hip.
As my grandmother used to say, let him stew in his own juices!
Go and have fun!
enjoy taking your photographs. Is it possible he is jealous he isn't going?
One can only hope!
Just GO, Northern.
You gave him more than ample notice and, like you said, your leaving does not take away from your responsibilities at the house or even financial resources...
He's just needy and being a big baby.
Go and enjoy your family time.
I bet if the tables were turned, he wouldn't think TWICE about it!
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
thanks all, I AM not backing down
Who knows, if he's going to act a fool tonight, maybe tomorrow WILL be the departure day! Part of me really wonders if he just doesn't want to deal with everything I do, especially for his daughter. Since she came to live with us, I'm the one who's been there for her most, she confides in me, relates to me, etc. He's going to actually have to interact with his daughter and entertain himself, oh the horror.
He is totally being a baby, and I couldn't be LESS amused.
I am sure on some level he is jealous, but even before SD came to live with us he always had some excuse not to do things like this, doesn't want to sleep in a strange place, doesn't want to stay with these people or those people. Ugh, I'm done sacrificing my wants which I have every right to have for his BS!!!
I can't wait to get out of here! I am going to miss my kitties though...
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
hmmm....
My ex h did this, and like you I encouraged him to go on backpacking trips with his friends, my brother usually one of them. After we broke up, he only took one trip with my brother that I know of. My brother asked him why he no longer had time for trips and he said, "My wife has a lot of projects for me to do." I know his wife. She encourages him to go. Wants him to go. Actually, for the same reason I encouraged him to go all along, and more recently, for the reason I always wanted him to go toward the end of our marriage.
So I could do something without his guilt. His wife now? Just shared with me he is shooting down her wish to get her real estate license. It's a waste of time/money/etc in this economy/market/etc. I told her what I tell every woman who's man balks at her career, her talent, her doing things to fill her spirit- YOU must do it. And if he loves you he will not only tolerate it, he will make the time/money/etc available to help you get there.
My outlet was theatre. My ex was jealous of it. Not of the men there or anything. But of the time it took me away from him. He was a martyr about it when I was in a show. I know it was a big time commitment. But I also know now that I am re-married, that it's all about the security of your BF/H/SO, and not about what you are doing or who you are with (within reason obviously!) My DH now?
Encourages me. Tonight I'm off to a book group (covering Life_is_a_Verb and YOU should look into that one- it's where I got my signature quote! I'll send you the link to her blog too or you can look it up by searching 37_Days dot org.)
Anyway...
I am also headed off to a writers retreat with a dear friend I've yet to meet this weekend, AND those other weekends I went off to the woods of TN to meet strangers? He took time off work to drop off/pick up BD to and from sitters so I could do it. And he's a plant manager which makes taking time off hard, and she's only 3 so she does need constant care.
Your FH had better get a grip or the NS I know will not tolerate this behavior for long.
Oh- and don't even get ME started on those ABSOLUTES! Obviously, dealing with BPD SD and BM we hear all about those- ALWAYS we do!
NS, you are very wise, and your psych brain doesn't let you miss red flags. I know that sucks- not a therapist professionally, but as SD's psychologist told me I am a natural at the way the brain works and it sucks sometimes because you just can't overlook relationship patterns or dysfunctional coping mechanisms that it would take some people a lifetime of therapy to see.
I would tell him point blank that you are going, you intend on having a good time, you hope for his sake that he can have a good time without you with SD.
Then release it and soak up your trip! If he loves you...he'll be there with bells on when you get home, ready to let you know that he is planning on working on his insecurities. If he isn't? Well, worry about that after fully enjoying your friends and family.
"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." ~Geoffrey F. Abert
That's exactly it
The irony is, about a month and a half ago, he said stuff to me basically saying he couldn't handle me being down and depressed, and I needed to get my shit together pronto. I thought he was actually telling me he wanted me to go away and do this, though he denied it. The very next DAY I started changing my attitude and my actions. Yes, I was very down, feeling sorry for myself, unhappy with my life, feeling very blocked, but I got it together and shook it, for his sake, for the sake of our relationship, and any negative impact on SD. And you know what? I look better, I walk taller, I have more energy and I feel pretty good. I almost feel like subconsciously he's BEGRUDGING my ability to do that, whereas he's unhappy, he won't do anything about it. He's complaining about putting on weight and being out of shape, yet on Saturday I get up to discover he ate a BOX of cookies for breakfast! It's really hard to feel sympathy for him after stuff like that.
Ugh, I need a break, good thing I'm taking it upon myself to get one. It would be REALLY nice if I could actually miss him a bit!
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
Uh-oh
"It would be REALLY nice if I could actually miss him a bit!"
I don't know if I should tell you this or not...but that feeling you just mentioned? Is how I felt the last several years of my first marriage, and how my exH's wife is feeling now.
I visited with her the other day, while she wasn't feeling well. I was there a few hours, brought her that book I just mentioned actually.
I arrived just a bit before my ex gets off work- 3:30. We were talking and her phone rang right around then. "It's him," she sighed and didn't answer b/c we were visiting. Then he called again. Again. AGAIN. Finally she said, "Sorry, if I don't get that he will call every couple mins."
He said he was off to a Chiro appt (at his brother's/nephew's practice where I worked when we were first married.)
A half hour later...
He rings again. And again. She answers and informs him that I'm still there, we're still talking etc. During our conversation, SM says to me that she wishes he would take a trip, get a life outside of her so that he stops suffocating her and keeping her from doing what she wants (real estate) or stops picking on her parenting etc.
And NS it brings me back instantly to being married to him. To wishing he would go backpacking all the time. To 3:30 phone calls letting me know I had 20 mins to get the house in perfect order before he came home to check off all the things I didn't get done that day.
My point is that these guys are insecure about something. They don't want you to have a life outside of them. They want to be enough for you and feel that you needing more people, friends, time away, means that they aren't enough.
Personally, I'm starting to think most of the world has a flippin' personality disorder. Maybe it IS ALL ME!!!!
its true but I seriously never had a chance to miss him, EVER
Since I never get to go anywhere and he never goes anywhere either!!! I just KNOW intrinsically that if he would take the initiative and spend some time with his friends, get outside and enjoy things, he WOULD feel better. I don't want him to be gone all the time, I just want him to have something for himself, something that makes him more him, you cannot and should not define yourself solely based on your relationship. He has other interests, but all he does is TALK about them.
Ugh thankfully it is not like you are describing though, he notices and appreciates the things I do for the house and for him. there is no EXPECTATION, otherwise, LOL we would NOT be together. I do for those I love out of joy, not obligation and guilt, that's the quickest route to resentment.
At least that's my personality disorder view, LOL...
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
"its true but I seriously
"its true but I seriously never had a chance to miss him, EVER"
Ha! That's my favorite line for couples when things are going awry. Usually when people are breaking up, but if people practiced letting their SO MISS them once in a while, it would do the relationship good in my opnion.
When younger friends have had break ups and called and begged etc for their SO to take them back/come back, I always tell them my exH's greatest mistake the final time I said I wanted out, was to hover in attempts to change my mind. He tried guilt, intimidation, berating me, some more guilt, brought my mom into it by calling her and crying, etc.
By the time he finally moved out (3 months AFTER I said I wanted a divorce) I couldn't WAIT to sign the papers. If he had left and given me space to feel what my life would be like without him, if he had loved me enough to put my needs first for ONCE in 11 years together, that just may have inspired me to give it another try while separated. But he couldn't love me enough to do that.
THEN once he had moved out, he tried to woo me back again, guilt me back some more, etc. On the day we signed the final papers, only 5 months after I announced it was over and one and a half months after he finally moved out, he said he'd take me back anytime no matter how long it took.
THEN he moved SM and her 3 kids in in Oct (2 months after we signed!)
He needed to be needed like I told her the other day. She had an ex who she divorced while he was in jail for assault in a bar fight, her house was about to foreclose, etc. He rode right in on that "white horse" and swooped her out of her predicament.
Anyway...I ALWAYS tell couples that time apart is CRUCIAL to making time together more special. Especially when a woman is independent. Otherwise we feel smothered just like many men would.
"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." ~Geoffrey F. Abert
You go girl
and have a great time. If BF wants to sit home and sulk that is his problem. Also sounds like he is used to you doing everything for SD so know he is not going to know what the hell to do with you gone. Ah how about be a parent and talk to your kid once in awhile. How about you leave on Wed and instead of Friday? Oh and I'm sure where you are going the cell reception is going to be LOUSY!
too bad!
luckily for me I am notoriously horrible with my cell phone
constantly leaving it, turning it off, forgetting I have it, not checking it. If things are not good, I might leave early, but ugh, an hour on the phone with my mom today and I'm not in a HUGE rush to get there either. Argh, I should just get a damned hotel room
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
NS....
I am sorry you are going through this, but I can't help but wonder what's going on with him? It's pretty clear that he doesn't want to speak with you about it. Seems that this all started around the time SD came to live with you...... wonder why now? Something is clearly wrong with him and the feelings he has about her living there.... I hope you have a good time and I hope that he realizes how much he actually DOES need you and LOVE you! I hope he doesn't turn into a bigger idiot while you are gone! HUGS
I think it's a classic case of the idea being better than the re
ality. He's got an image of himself, where he SHOULD want his daughter more than anything. Now that he's got her, the day to day is not as dramatic as the long suffering father denied his kid, and it's way more tedious though he would never admit it.
These problems with his lack of motivation and determination predate SD, but are worse now. I have called him out for being irresponsible with money and other larger issues, health, future planning, etc because to me, those are symptomatic of this greater lack of motivation and a big dose of bitch slap reality check. He needs to get real with himself, and start dealing with matters at hand. I love him very much, and he has been more supportive of me than anyone I have ever known, and that matters a great deal to me. But I there is a difference between being supportive and supportING, and I feel like that's the corner I've been boxed into, and it's not right. I am not moving one inch forward with this relationship until that changes. He needs to understand that loving someone is not just picking and choosing what needs of theirs you want to acknowledge, it's accepting all of them, and being supportive even when it's not as dramatic and exciting as you might wish...
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
Run!!
He will be fine. I think he is just trying to guilt trip you. My DH is very needy too, which I do baby him sometimes, but enough is enough. Usually when I get back, he is all into his own stuff and has actually enjoyed himself too. It is healthy for you to do this!! and he clearly needs it too.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Tonight was better
I bitched and moaned to all of you today, and to a friend too, and resolved to try for peace when he came home. We actually enjoyed our evening as a family, and there was no more hassle about me going away, though it was not even mentioned, so there you go I guess. I really just need to get through tomorrow after he gets home from work, as Thursday he works late (and I'm sure there will be issue, but hey at least it won't be dragged out all night). Maybe he tried to commiserate to someone who shot him down and told him he was being a fool. I hope so, I've been tempted to enlist the help of some of his guy friends to get him to see things in a more healthy way, but that's crossing a boundary that I'm not yet desperate enough to cross...
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
hit upon an idea today
I'm going to spend most of the day tomorrow prepping for my trip and I hit on the idea of getting a nice card for SD and BF telling them how proud I am of all we've accomplished as a family, and making a big pan of chicken parm (one of BF's favorites of my culinary creations) for them to enjoy while I'm gone. When I leave on Friday I'll leave the card for them and the parm in the fridge. Trying REALLY hard to make this negative a positive.....
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
great idea
i think you will earn mega points for that!!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."