"But researchers now think that much of the damage is actually caused by the conflict which led to the split, rather than the split itself."

YES!! DH and BM2 fought and fought like monsters before, during and a bit after their divorce. This is what SS remembers the most.

As a child, I remember the cold, distant, strained relationship between my parents and both my brother and I wished they had divorced long before they actually did.

Most step parents are not the problem. It is the fact that one bio parent is mentally and emotionally unstable and cannot co-parent with their ex-spouse because they won't move on and let everyone live their lives.

As most of us are well aware of here on ST

I did not need a researcher to tell me this..... kids are damaged in a marriage that's not loving and happy and it ends in a bitter divorce, Usually there's allot of conflict before it's final and allot of power play... using the child as a pawn....

This child does not only have loyalty issues but they have no idea what it is to be in a happy family and often they are jealous. If one of the parents re-marry or find another partner, the child is not the center of attention any more and then they start acting out, They already lost on parent, yes they do feel rejected, and not the other parent finds a new partner, double rejection.....

I wish all laws will make it compulsory for children who's parents are getting a divorce to be in therapy for at least 2 years to deal with it all, to understand that you are not being rejected you are being offered a better family life

No shit Sherlock! This is so true! BM is a lesbian. Shes always known this but wanted to have kids. So she sucked ex SO in nicely. Then, once kids were born..off she went..only to return to make his life living hell. Only SHE was allowed to move on and have a relationship. Shit hit sideways when, after 6 years, he tried having a relationship.

SD took over BMs role and made sure ex SOs life became one of pure misery. She used manipulation and emotional blackmail. He, of course, has blinkers on.

When I left him..the first thing he told my BS18, was that he was going to reconcile wkth her. Which, to me, means crawling up hers and BMs ass. He is spineless and utterly balless. He should never have entered a relationship with anyone else as he has no ide how to stand up for himself and demand respect.

I have 3 grown sons who respected him and treated him like I expected them to. BM never did..and boy..did we pay. Im out of it now..been 2 months, and I dont regret leaving him. At all.

Step moms, new partners are treated like pond scum. This article should be shown everywhere.

Edited to add: ex SO plans to reconcile with SD..even though she has called him a "cowardly useless c***" because he dared to have a relationship with another woman. He will now lay his balls at the feet of BM and SD and will be at their mercy for as long as they need him to be. Sooo attractive. Not.

Obviously. It's not the divorce that damages kids. It's the lead up to the divorce, the failure to communicate properly to each other about issues related to the breakdown of the relationship, and to the children that despite their failure as a couple it has nothing to do with their love as parents.

Children of amicable divorces don't much display the same signs of "damage" that children of volatile divorces do.

It's ridiculous to think that these children can't "cope" with their parents' new relationships - it's the damage from the first one they're dealing with and not having the guidance to work through it... they're so accustomed to seeing the hate back and forth between the bios that a new relationship of happy kittens and sunshine is just not normal to them. They're SO used to seeing their mom verbally abuse their dad, make snotty comments about hi, talk trash about him while the parents were still together... that it's become what they know of communication.

I have never used and abused my ex-dh, treated him like an ATM, or disrespected him in front of anyone. (I will admit, we had low blows behind closed doors, like many couples do) It was not behavior I wanted to emulate for my daughters, I did not want them to think it was ok to treat someone like crap, regardless of how you feel about them.

I find people coddle kids way too much. They're strong. They can handle the truth. It's often the parents who can't...and they try to shied the kids from the truth. What's the point of shielding the kids for the truth? To let them continue some fantasy that everything will be ok? It's not...why are parents pretending it is? Kids thrive on the ideal that their parents will get back together, when it's ot been made clear to the kids that it's DONE. The kids are shielded....but that unintentionally causes them MORE damage.

In my opinion, of course.