So I'm left somewhat speechless and sad all at once with this

But this is how it went last night:

I told him that I needed to talk to him about this "guilt parenting thing" and lack of discipline and that I needed for us to have our wknds w/the kids seperate from now on.

Basically he said he was glad I was on the same page about not having her come over to my place anymore-that he's been thinking for a while now and that he honestly can say he doesn't even enjoy her anymore at all-he was surprised it took me this long to say "no more". I gave him the whole guilt parenting spill, how he doesn't discipline, etc...his response was....nothing I haven't tried before-she is just so extreme and dramatic like her mom that unless I escalate it to beating her she won't back down at all...and even then it's temporary-and since her mom beats/slaps all the time he didn't want to go that route. He says raising his voice or sending her away (which she refuses so he has to physically pick her up and put her somewhere) does no good, she will buck and refuse and insult him. He said she used to cry and backdown immediately if i just as much raised my voice at her.

But now she doesn't respect me-her mom fills her head up against me daily- so she refuses to respect any authority or demand or anything from me at all, and even if I'm 100pct on her case one wknd, she comes back 2 wks later just as messed up defiant, bully and angry again. I asked him if he was giving up, because at 10 maybe she can be remedied still?

He pretty much is saying he doesn't see it changing-she lives w/her mom all the time-her mom is exactly like that (but worse) and raises her to act that way and that he thinks it's impossible to reverse that behavior in a few days a month. He said-his mom never changed, just got worse so why would it be any different with her if she's being raised that way? He said he's sure by teen years she will be in a shitload of trouble, he doesn't hold much hope...he said she'll probably be having sex, drugs and being crazy way before your boys ever will that's for sure.

So..I knew he had withdrawn from her but he's in 'I don't really care too much anymore and guess I'm a bastard for feeling that way and I just don't care anymore" says he doesn't really want to deal w/someone elses f'ed up kid-that he doesn't even know who she is anymore-the before the divorce when she was w/him she was very shy and kind and active, ...and now she's this person he doesn't recognize and dreads being around her and his wknds because of the disrespect, bullying, rudeness, hitting, demanding, out of control, all of it.

He said, I know she is hell on wheels and he didn't even like her to be honest-he said he knew it was the best thing as it wasn’t' fair to me or the kids anymore to be bullied and that he will keep her away his wknds. Of course...he then said ..i guess the problem is if we eventually escalate our relationship and move forward then what? I told him, look, we are still aways from that and we'll cross that bridge when it comes. Personally I think if it continues this way once she's a teen she'll probably stop wanting to visit w/him regularly-sad but...you cant' do much if the mom is intent in poisoning the kid against the dad and raising her like satans spawn. Of course then he threw the fact that really since the results of the test he really gave up on putting too much effort anymore.

She had the school call several times because of her bullying a kid, one of her neighbors parents have forbidden her from playing w/their daughter anymore. Of course she has a million excuses for all this...all "misunderstandings, and she really didn't do that". He said she left Sunday saying she never wanted to come back because she hated everyone, and that my boys told her our neighbor girls were pretending to be nice to her (ouch)...so we all suck. Her dad told her-hey if everybody has a common denominator then the problem is you. He admitted and said he saw how she was taunting them, being a bully, pushing limits and that since he sees no way to even correct it that it's best to just do our own thing those wknds.

So...it's a lost cause-I have no intent of trying to "blend" anything. It's sad but it's not looking like things would get any better and he agrees that the boys should be away from that and myself also. I guess for a minute things looked ok and we thought that by showing and having her around a normal two parent figur home w/structure, discipline rules that she would thrive, but that hasn't happened. The disrespect has increased in fact. He said she continues to act exactly like her mom, LOOKING for drama, fights, ready to bring it, never satisfied, never happy w/out intsense drama and hysterics. So ...it's sad but I'm relieved.