So for the past two summers we have packed the skids up a d they fly to mil to spend the summer with her. Dh left with them two weeks ago to drop them off. While he was up there he casually mentions that he and his mom discussed SD staying up there and living with her full time. He says he told SD that she could decide where she wants to live.
He was going to buy their return tickets this past weekend and I said, well shouldn't you nail down for sure what SD is dong before you buy tickets? He said that it was pretty much decided that she was staying with mil. Again I repeat that he needs to nail that down for sure before he buys return tickets and doesn't have one for her. So yesterday I asked him if UE bought the tickets... No. Did he check with SD and his mom on what the final plan was?...... No, but its for sure that she will be living up there. I just gave him a look, but didn't get involved.
I have some really mixed feelings about this. First off, as his wife and primary child care giver shouldn't I have been part of the discussion? Not just told after the fact? And why on earth would you leave the decision in the hands of a ten yr old? And then not even ask her what her decision is after you tell her its hers to make? Just reinforces my feelings that I am nothing more than an unpaid babysitter.
So on one hand I am happy to not have to deal with her on a daily basis anymore. But on the other I am dreading having to tell this to my mom. She is very judgemental and I can just hear the judgment and 20 questions already. And then the constant having to explain the situation to everyone who knows that I have a SD that lives with me when they ask about the kids.
And I really have a feeling that this won't be permanent. If I had a crystal ball I imagine that in a few years she will be so out of control that we end up with her again, even worse than she is now. And my 4 yr old now has to deal with losing his sister. She's mean to him about half the time, but he's still in that innocent instant forgiveness stage that he has a blind love for the skids.
And her leaving just makes the past six years of expenses and struggles all for nothing. If it wasn't to straighten this kid out and give her a shot at a productive life....then it was all for nothing.
I also still feel like this is really up in the air. I hate living with this uncertainty. I dont think he has spoken to and confirmed any of this since we spoke last weekend, hes just assuming that SD will say she wants to stay. I am trying to stay out of this as much as possible, since he obviously doesnt see it as any of my business... But I really need to know for sure what's happening in my own house.
Those are my fears. She had SD from when she was 3months old until she was 4, when she came to live with us. SO does bow to his mothers ever whim already because he feels indebted to her for those 4 years. Mil s v broke? Dh buys her a TV and has it shipped to her apt. Mil needs extra money for XXX? Its sent to her. She doesn't bother us too frequently, but I know that's going to change. And of coarse any sort of financial arrangement hasn't been made known to me, so who k ow about how much money this will take from our household.
So on the surface this should make me happy....but deep down I know its going to make things worse.
Honestly, I am having a hard time being married to a man that can just give his daughter away like nothing. I was barely able to rationalize how mil ended up with SD as a baby..... Single guy left to care for a newborn on his own, money troubles....I can see what he was over welmed and made the choice he did......sort of. But now?
OMG girl! you should be jumping for joy.. not too soon though, don't want to jinx anything!
1. Let your mom be judgmental.. remind her that SD is not your kid, this was not your decision to make, it was done without your input, so whatever.
2. I bet your 4 year old will be just fine. BS3 couldn't give two craps whether SD15 or SS14 are there or not. SD15 lived with us last year for about 3 months, then left without a phone call/visit/text/nothing for 8 months. BS3 NEVER once asked about her. SD moved back in with us 2 months ago and I think THAT was more of a an upheaval for BS. He actually started acting out shortly after she moved in, because his daily routine got screwed up when DH started having to take SD to school in the morning, picking her up in the afternoon, etc. BS3 hasn't seen SS14 since the end of March and again, he could care less, never asks about him, doesn't skip a beat.
I think if anything, this kid needs intense counseling (same for ss). She doesn't need to keep being treated like a ping pong ball. She needs to be able to stay somewhere and have a permanent place she can call home. No wonder she has so many issues. Maybe she needs more involvement from her dad. Maybe she and ss need more visitation with their moms and for their moms to be more involved. Sending her to mil will not solve this situation.
My ss15 resides with my inlaws. If you read my blogs you will see that this is both a blessing and a curse. The kid really cannot reside here-he has caused too much emotional damage to my children and quite frankly myself for this to be a possibility. In addition, he has no interest in residing here nor is willing to follow even the most basic of household rules. So, in light of that, it is a good thing that my inlaws "stepped up"-however they are such a bunch of dysfunctional people that it created alot of problems. We are actually on our second go around with ss livign there. He has been there just under one year. At this time dh has NO contact whatsoever wtih ss nor does he speak to his parents. Dh attempted to maintain contact with ss-however ss has chooose to cut him off. Inlaws refuse to facilitate any sort of contact or visitation in fact they strongly discourage it and I am sure PAS dh and myself on a regular basis as they apparently hate us. The first time around when eh lived here my dh did stil have contact with the his parents and they manipulated on a regular basis. They would not faciliate visits back then either-they would tell dh that they 'd drop him off and then just not show and say, "oh, I didnt feel like bringing him". They'd make arrangments and not show. But would call every couple of weeks to ask for cash,clothing, or whatnot in addition to what ss was already receiving. They refused, and continue to refuse to accept guardianship which ends up meaning that bm pays nothing for her kid. My mil does not wish to "mess with bm" so she wont even ask for support, my dh cannot ask for support since ss does nto even reside here. But then my inlaws will still to this day send random emails or leave messages stating how they need more money for ss. (the amount he receives is more than adequate and all medical and dental expenses are provided by dh as well). However at the end of the day, Id still rather deal with these annoyances than have ss in my home!
If you do this, I would try and get dh to hammer out some sort of legal agreement that they can take to an attorney so everyone is clear. Mil needs guardianship to take care of medical and educational needs. They need to agree on some form of child support, medical bills, visits-etc. Please do not allow him to make the mistake of thinking since this is his mom that things will be easy-peasy and casual.
Comments
So for the past two summers
So for the past two summers we have packed the skids up a d they fly to mil to spend the summer with her. Dh left with them two weeks ago to drop them off. While he was up there he casually mentions that he and his mom discussed SD staying up there and living with her full time. He says he told SD that she could decide where she wants to live.
He was going to buy their return tickets this past weekend and I said, well shouldn't you nail down for sure what SD is dong before you buy tickets? He said that it was pretty much decided that she was staying with mil. Again I repeat that he needs to nail that down for sure before he buys return tickets and doesn't have one for her. So yesterday I asked him if UE bought the tickets... No. Did he check with SD and his mom on what the final plan was?...... No, but its for sure that she will be living up there. I just gave him a look, but didn't get involved.
I have some really mixed feelings about this. First off, as his wife and primary child care giver shouldn't I have been part of the discussion? Not just told after the fact? And why on earth would you leave the decision in the hands of a ten yr old? And then not even ask her what her decision is after you tell her its hers to make? Just reinforces my feelings that I am nothing more than an unpaid babysitter.
So on one hand I am happy to not have to deal with her on a daily basis anymore. But on the other I am dreading having to tell this to my mom. She is very judgemental and I can just hear the judgment and 20 questions already. And then the constant having to explain the situation to everyone who knows that I have a SD that lives with me when they ask about the kids.
And I really have a feeling that this won't be permanent. If I had a crystal ball I imagine that in a few years she will be so out of control that we end up with her again, even worse than she is now. And my 4 yr old now has to deal with losing his sister. She's mean to him about half the time, but he's still in that innocent instant forgiveness stage that he has a blind love for the skids.
And her leaving just makes the past six years of expenses and struggles all for nothing. If it wasn't to straighten this kid out and give her a shot at a productive life....then it was all for nothing.
I also still feel like this is really up in the air. I hate living with this uncertainty. I dont think he has spoken to and confirmed any of this since we spoke last weekend, hes just assuming that SD will say she wants to stay. I am trying to stay out of this as much as possible, since he obviously doesnt see it as any of my business... But I really need to know for sure what's happening in my own house.
Those are my fears. She had
Those are my fears. She had SD from when she was 3months old until she was 4, when she came to live with us. SO does bow to his mothers ever whim already because he feels indebted to her for those 4 years. Mil s v broke? Dh buys her a TV and has it shipped to her apt. Mil needs extra money for XXX? Its sent to her. She doesn't bother us too frequently, but I know that's going to change. And of coarse any sort of financial arrangement hasn't been made known to me, so who k ow about how much money this will take from our household.
So on the surface this should make me happy....but deep down I know its going to make things worse.
Honestly, I am having a hard time being married to a man that can just give his daughter away like nothing. I was barely able to rationalize how mil ended up with SD as a baby..... Single guy left to care for a newborn on his own, money troubles....I can see what he was over welmed and made the choice he did......sort of. But now?
OMG girl! you should be
OMG girl! you should be jumping for joy.. not too soon though, don't want to jinx anything!
1. Let your mom be judgmental.. remind her that SD is not your kid, this was not your decision to make, it was done without your input, so whatever.
2. I bet your 4 year old will be just fine. BS3 couldn't give two craps whether SD15 or SS14 are there or not. SD15 lived with us last year for about 3 months, then left without a phone call/visit/text/nothing for 8 months. BS3 NEVER once asked about her. SD moved back in with us 2 months ago and I think THAT was more of a an upheaval for BS. He actually started acting out shortly after she moved in, because his daily routine got screwed up when DH started having to take SD to school in the morning, picking her up in the afternoon, etc. BS3 hasn't seen SS14 since the end of March and again, he could care less, never asks about him, doesn't skip a beat.
I think if anything, this kid
I think if anything, this kid needs intense counseling (same for ss). She doesn't need to keep being treated like a ping pong ball. She needs to be able to stay somewhere and have a permanent place she can call home. No wonder she has so many issues. Maybe she needs more involvement from her dad. Maybe she and ss need more visitation with their moms and for their moms to be more involved. Sending her to mil will not solve this situation.
My ss15 resides with my
My ss15 resides with my inlaws. If you read my blogs you will see that this is both a blessing and a curse. The kid really cannot reside here-he has caused too much emotional damage to my children and quite frankly myself for this to be a possibility. In addition, he has no interest in residing here nor is willing to follow even the most basic of household rules. So, in light of that, it is a good thing that my inlaws "stepped up"-however they are such a bunch of dysfunctional people that it created alot of problems. We are actually on our second go around with ss livign there. He has been there just under one year. At this time dh has NO contact whatsoever wtih ss nor does he speak to his parents. Dh attempted to maintain contact with ss-however ss has chooose to cut him off. Inlaws refuse to facilitate any sort of contact or visitation in fact they strongly discourage it and I am sure PAS dh and myself on a regular basis as they apparently hate us. The first time around when eh lived here my dh did stil have contact with the his parents and they manipulated on a regular basis. They would not faciliate visits back then either-they would tell dh that they 'd drop him off and then just not show and say, "oh, I didnt feel like bringing him". They'd make arrangments and not show. But would call every couple of weeks to ask for cash,clothing, or whatnot in addition to what ss was already receiving. They refused, and continue to refuse to accept guardianship which ends up meaning that bm pays nothing for her kid. My mil does not wish to "mess with bm" so she wont even ask for support, my dh cannot ask for support since ss does nto even reside here. But then my inlaws will still to this day send random emails or leave messages stating how they need more money for ss. (the amount he receives is more than adequate and all medical and dental expenses are provided by dh as well). However at the end of the day, Id still rather deal with these annoyances than have ss in my home!
If you do this, I would try and get dh to hammer out some sort of legal agreement that they can take to an attorney so everyone is clear. Mil needs guardianship to take care of medical and educational needs. They need to agree on some form of child support, medical bills, visits-etc. Please do not allow him to make the mistake of thinking since this is his mom that things will be easy-peasy and casual.
he is handing a child that is
he is handing a child that is 10 years old the ability to decide who she wants to live with?
wow that is gonna send a really bad message