Stepfamily resolutions?
What are everyone’s stepfamily related new year’s resolutions? Mine is to ignore the inlaws and their trying to force an intact family ideal onto our non intact one! Acting as if we should pretend SS is both of ours rather than being raised by bm who has very different parenting values (while still ironically being overly chummy with BM. ) Basically I would like to stop giving an eff about what people think.
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Mine is similar to yours,
Mine is similar to yours, pixielady.
Regarding my in-laws, I’m upping my disengagement. I’m >>this<< close to going full no contact. I recently blocked them from contacting me via phone. They’re already blocked from all my social media accounts, because they’re incredibly toxic, hoovering, and enabling people.
I realize I cannot change them, or make them let go of their unhealthy attachment to BM (and weirdly BM’s Mom and BM’s siblings), and their ‘first family’ fantasy, I can no longer waste my time and emotions with trying fix what is broken. I have to accept it will most likely always be broken.
So, yes. I’m done with them enabling BM. And don’t think DH is an innocent bystander in all of this. He has allowed things to continue for far too long, out of fear of feeling the uncomfortableness. First things first, though. I’m going to cut the cancer out at it’s place of origin - and that’s my codependent, narcissistic in-laws.
Momjeans, what has their
Momjeans, what has their reaction been to your blocking them on social media? And from your phone? I’m thisclose to blocking on social media but afraid to pull the trigger for some reason!!
My in-laws aren’t openly
My in-laws aren’t openly reactive people - at least to anyone outside of their very small and dysfunctional circle, so I really don’t know. They’re extremely superficial. To them, exposing feelings is showing weakness.
I couldn’t deal with MIL’s games on Facebook. Actively going out of her way to not acknowledge photos of our children, her young grandchildren, while going out of her way to “love” photos BM’s brother posts of BM and/or skid, etcetera.
I gave her a few chances of friending her again, just to be shown she had no intent of not engaging in games. MIL went for a whole year before recently attempting to friend me - again. I denied her request.
My FIL is my MIL’s flying monkey; he actively engages in hoovering to reel people back into their dysfunction. A couple months ago, he went on a spree of liking the handful of really old photos I still had set to public. We aren’t connected on Facebook, so he sort of outed himself that he lurks. It was also a very “Hey, look at me, I’m here, you can’t avoid me” move. At that point I blocked him as well.
I’ve had my in-laws blocked on Instagram for years. Like 3 or 4 years.
I also no longer send them photos. I send photos to DH, and if he wants to send them photos he can.
I blocked them on social
I blocked them on social media! That felt so good! Happy new year to me!!
Good for you! I’m happy to
Good for you! I’m happy to hear this.
I know you’re not going to take it as far as I did - blocking their texts/calls, but I have felt a HUGE sense of relief since doing so. For once, I feel at peace. That is, until DH has a hissy fit and insists I engage with them. I’m taking it day by day, at the moment.
Mine is to continue my
Mine is to continue my disengagement, especially as there are two stepfamily birthdays coming up- one of which will be the anniversary of SS almost killing himself-the fall-out from which I felt forced to disengage from the whole sorry saga of adults not being allowed to grow up. I didn't make the mess and have no part in clearing it up. Who knows how this year will pan out- but I intend to put my health and my sanity first.
Cheers to putting your health
Cheers to putting your health and sanity first. Some of us tend to forget that chronic stress from stepfamily issues can literally make us sick.
I don't make any, that way I
I don't make any, that way I won't be disappointed.
You've got a wild situation
You've got a wild situation going on though!
Mine are financial, but also
Mine are financial, but also related to steplife.
With my health being in jeopardy this year, I want to build our emergency savings considerably. One way we will do that is when child support soon ends!
Otherwise, continue my own disengagement and continue supporting my DH when he makes strong and smart decisions regarding boundaries and expectations of his child and XW.
I have two. The first is to
I have two. The first is to try to stop bringing up sd and BM into conversations with my husband and to try to trust him work things out himself. My brain tends to work on overdrive so I think 10 steps ahead and discuss things with my husband but it probably is not healthy to bring them up and probably seems like nagging to him. I have started this a little and will try to continue it and to get better at it.
The second is to prepare myself for when sd comes to visit us in the summer so that I have lots of other things to do and will not be in the position of feeling resentful of time I spend with her but it will merely be a small part of my life. I get on ok with sd but need to move on from doing most of the childcare, as I used to when she lived with us and I don’t want to slip back into that.
bethAnne, I do the same in
bethAnne, I do the same in terms of thinking 10 steps ahead. I bring up hypothetical situations that may or may not occur years in advance, Like: SS8 be using my car when he gets his license! He better not think about smoking pot in our house etc etc! dH must think I’m nuts, but I’m trying to keep a lid on it and face things as they come.
And I’m already planning a small vacay for me and DS during summer visitation!
I'm the same way. Of course
I'm the same way. Of course Chef would scoff at everything I predicted. Let's see...it's been almost 14 years and so far everything I've said would happen has come true.
The PAS, the continuing crushing burden of CS, the skids' academic failure, their chronic underemployment fed by their undying belief in the vicarious fantasies of the Girhippo, the meds ladleing by the Girhippo, etc etc. i must be psychic!
Soon to be prophecy fulfilled:
the epic court battle of the Girhippo trying to keep SD19 on CS through age 30 due to "special needs in college"
criminal record of YSS15 (he's doing even WORSE in school than his older siblings-- something else I predicted--but didn't think was numerically possible)
ditto for OSS21 as a pot smoking part time dishwasher at the casino where the mothership works.
I mean SS better NOT be using
I mean SS better NOT be using my car when he turns 16. (Meanwhile he’s stb9).
Mine is to disengage and pray
Mine is to disengage and pray to never have those rude steps win at mind games. I cant change them or their opinions, but I WILL change how I react to them.
Happy New Years to all my comrades in the step trenches of he**.
May 2018 give all the strength and courage to obtain your happiness.
My resolution is to stay
My resolution is to stay disengaged, let DH deal w/the ss's and gkids while I focus on my/our future and myself and my family. When we first married I made skids presence and opinions much more important than they really are in my life. Now I know they're really not on my horizon at all just a part of DH's life. I'll treat them like I would treat anyone else associated w/DH, with respect and kindness but as people who are outside of my inner circle.
I'll be relocating in a few months and I have this small naggy feeling that I should tell skids and gskids, have a proper goodbye, let them know. But I know if I do this the guilt will be heaped upon DH and how dare he and I buy a home of our own. They don't know about the move yet and DH hasn't said anything either.
This is what I want to let go of, the need for their approval and feeling like they have any say whatsoever in MY life. ss26 and gskids have not been to our home to visit since summer (they live a whole 10 mins away) so I'm puzzled why I feel even the slightest responsibility to let them know about my personal living situation. I owe them nothing and no explanations. DH can deal w/his own family if anyone has any objection to the choices I make in my own life.
I need to be bolder and
I need to be bolder and communicate better... Get DH to stand up to MIL... Also we need to get through this custody stuff... And I need to take more time for myself... Cuz I’m fairy Burnt out...
It looks like disengagement
It looks like disengagement and standing up for ourselves are two major themes her. Best of luck and good wishes for a successful new year.
I have decided to quit being
I have decided to quit being a Charlie Brown for all the Lucy’s in my stepfamily.
Well, stay mostly disengaged.
Well, stay mostly disengaged. SD doesn't come by often-and the last time I just let her talk with DH other then hi/bye. I have no plans to invite my in-laws to another function again or reach out to them in any way. I have tried for the last 3 years as has my own mom. Let them sulk and be hermits. I predict SD will end up knocked up since her boyfriend stays over at MIL's w/her (barely 17 now) almost every night. Apparently nobody saw a problem w/a 16yr old girl/19 yr old boy playing house at MIL's expense.
Finally I said something to them a couple weeks back because SD was wanting to take bm's first ever CS payment and use it for a trip to the beach- mind you we barely had money to feed ourselves that week- and she was bringing her boyfriend over to eat at our place 3-4 times a week. I got fed up and let them have it. I told them HE needed to go eat at his own place-why was he eating dinner off us or MIL all the time? I told her it's ridiculous to ask to use CS for a luxury item when we can barely eat-especially when she hasn't paid in months. Ughhh. Haven't spoken to her since. She only came over day after Christmas for 20 mins and hasn't been back. Of course DH feels rejected but hey-that's SD, if he doesn't have $$ to give her or food or gifts she's not showing up.