We all have issues, I never believe it is all 1 person's fault, even in cases of infidelity. Somehow 2 people didn't mesh, meet the needs of the other, etc & ALL of it led to the end. And ultimately, to who each person is now. Sometimes good is learned, sometimes bad is learned but we're all a product of every past & current relationship.

Everybody has faults & I believe everyone contributes (at least) their share to issues in relationships. Some more than others. My DH has been more than willing to fess up to his less-than-admirable contributions to their problems. Some of their fallout came from him being a pushover in the beginning of things & exploding when he hit his breaking point. Some of it came from him never being home (which was a result of BM wanting everything but not being willing to work for any income).

He spend a lot of time away working 2 jobs. She felt neglected. He'd come home ready to sleep & she was tired of being home with kids so she was ready to go out when he came through the door.

He's been very forthcoming in his faults. He's told me about the times he's cussed her for spending money he was the only one busting his ass to earn. He told me about how he called her a nasty bitch when she quit the one job she held for 17 days making $23 an hour putting makeup on dead people because she couldn't figure out how to tell the guy she worked with that she couldn't sleep with him anymore because her husband found out, without hurting his feelings.

He didn't tell me about these things to excuse doing them. He told me because he felt guilty for cussing her & calling her names & said that he hated he'd done it.

I think anyone who can't concede that their current partner contributed to the demise of a previous marriage/relationship has their head in the sand.

I don't think it's always a blatant contribution. It may come as a result or reaction to whatever else is going on in relationship at a given time.

My exH was mentally abusive. That wasn't my fault. However, I do accept that I made a contribution to our fallout by being a Closed-Mouth-Suck-It-Up pushover from the time we met. He pushed & pushed & pushed & I broke. From that point I was completely unwilling to allow another push. My lack of confidence & my lack of voice set a standard early on. That's what I accept responsibility for.

My DH has his faults, but I think BM was an idiot. They traveled the World. She didn't have to work and my DH spoiled her.

Oh well. Now he does it for me and she's green with envy.

DH had issues, for sure. But she had the most and caused most of his.

I had to train him (and still remind him at times). How to fight fairly. You don't have to yell to get your point across. Even if we are mad at each other, we still love each other. Fighting does not mean throwing the other person out. You can get upset with a person's actions and still love the person. No name calling or verbal abuse. Etc.

He has a drinking problem. I cannot say she CAUSED it because he drank when he met her. However, him choosing to hang out with his buddies at the bar to escape her rages or drowning his emotions with beer in order to put up with her and be around his kids, really exacerbated the problem.

- She had been to numerous psychiatrists/psychologists throughout her entire life.
- Her parents finally had her stay with her aunt and uncle thousands of miles away for a few years because they didn't know how to "fix" her.
- She talked her parents into moving in with him when she was underage but kept having sex with at LEAST two more guys...and kept a calendar to keep track of which guy(s) on which days.

I really don't understand how my DH put up with her for as long as he DID. Kids or not.

DAMN girl that is down right poetic.

Yes- that thought crosses my mind sometimes. But I would say she was WAY more at fault than him. She is lazy, irresponsible, a slob, and passive-aggressive. DH can tend to try and tell you what to do and how to do it. Those two personalities did not mix well AT ALL. I have my shit together, so I don't need "direction.." I just ignore him when he tries to do that to me. BM couldn't take having her flaws pointed out, so she ran away.

DH was at fault as well. They both were. DH settled, he never should have had a kid with her in the first place. He felt like he was getting older and wanted to have a kid... he had been with BM for about a year and figured he better have one before he got too old (he was 26.. yeah SOoo old..?). He was distant with BM and not involved in their relationship. Literally, only was there for SS. He hung out with his friends too much and was not a willing participant in their little "family". He also wasn't honest with her when he was not happy with where their relationship was headed. Instead of telling her that he was not ok with her quitting her job, staying home and being a lazy POS, getting high all day with SS with her and milking the system (illegally) he just distanced himself from her.

She was at fault because she roped him in. Before they had SS she worked 2 jobs and was very responsible. BUT, she always cheated on him so I don't know WHAT he was thinking there. He was in denial I suppose. Things went down hill the second she popped his kid out.

SO was the first man I dated after my divorce. I did not want to go on a date. I didn't want to be with anyone. But he seemed very nice and I thought if nothing else we could be friends. So I google searched him like a crazy woman. I found HER online diaries of their relationship and clearly she was a lot of the blame. She even said so. She treated him like crap and constantly sang his praises for putting up with her verbally and sometimes physically abusive behavior. (She's BPD). So based on what BM said - I went out with him. And he was amazing in all honesty. So when SO says to me 'I'm the luckiest guy in the world.' I have said 'Thank BM for that because of being so crazy and writing about how great you were' and he will laugh.

He will talk about how sloppy and messy and lazy she was their whole marriage. Sometimes I will look around my house when I get home and see crap of his everywhere and think 'maybe this wasn't all her.' But that's about it.

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Yes I believe narcissists can inflict a hell of a lot of damage on women and children. The innocent family members will need a lot of help to cope with the effects (anxiety, despair, anger) which can last forever.

Yeah, BM left DH for $ and I had heard of how she handled some things and I agreed with him when he said she was looney toons. He always said she was crazy, that she hated to be told she was crazy (who wouldn't?). Later, I realized that if a woman showed any emotion that wasn't happy, he said she was crazy. At the beginning of any argument (change from a normal mood), he'd say I was being crazy. Mature - way to work things out. Fucking idiot asshole. I called him out on that and he's stopped doing it. I then felt bad for BM for how long she dealt with HIS shit.