disengaging????
I get diaengaging to make your dh step up and parent his kids and to stay away from bm. But what i dont get is to be disengaged about what your dh does when he is alone with kids . Such as if they trash me or is being disrepectful to me or hurtful to me or my kids.
There is no way i could sit back and say nothing or know nothing of what the skids did or said about me or my kiss or even dhsbfamily. It wouldbpiss me off to no end knowing my dh let these people trash me or my kiss and he said nothing. I would NOT DISENGAGE i would either tellbdh he beter act like im his wife or id be gone!
No way would i sit back and let my dh disrepect me like that b/c if he says nothing he might have well be the one to say and do that ahit.
Sorry but if my dh doesnt have that much love and eespect me to stand up for me then he doesnt deserve me.
Disengaging is the same as ignoring a huge ass problem in the marriage.
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I guess it comes down to
I guess it comes down to being able to trust that your DH would defend you in your absence. Honestly, if you can't trust him to do that, regardless of what the kids may or may not be saying, there's already a huge ass problem in the marriage.
Yes that happened to me too i
Yes that happened to me too i disengaged frim the skids for a while and dh had no choice to step up as a dad.
Im talking about adults that talk trash about new wife and the skids follow suite and dh says nothing when new wife is not around. Since nrw wife 'disengaged' she dont go to in laws or anything like that and dh just lets them trash new wife and her kids.
If my dh would stand up for to other people but not his family or ex and skids then he doesnt love and respect me like he should and id be gone and find someone that does!!
Im not talking much about
Im not talking much about that but more of disengaging from dhs family and skids refuse to come to dhs house b/c of new wife and dh lets it happen and even goes to his familys functions without new wife b/c she disengaged. Dh while there just lets them all trash new wife and kids and nit standing up for his wife.
Then no dh has no repect or love for me as his wife so therefore id be gone.
I guess the way I understand
I guess the way I understand disengaging, I would think that your expectations of your DH would be clear & you would trust that he would do the right thing.
If you trust he'll do the right thing, you don't inquire about what's being said in your absence. It seems like if you feel you need to inquire, you're still emotionally engaged.
If someone can't trust their partner to have their back in their absence, IMO, that would be reason enough to be gone.
I get that storm but what if
I get that storm but what if it was from the beginning and that is why the wife diengaged. B/c dh was not standing up fir her. That is what im talking about.
So then yes a huge problem is being ignoref but being called disengaging. See what im saying?
Sorry yes im on my phone i
Sorry yes im on my phone i try but my phone is retarted and cant catch everything.
Im just not wraping my head around the fact that if my dh doesnt stand up for me then he doesnt deserve me as a life partner as he doesnt have my back as i do his.
No what they think of me i
No what they think of me i dont care, its more of knowing that my dh loves and respects me enough to tell them to shut the hell up!!!!
And the retarted comment imeant nothing by it sorry if it offended you but that is me.
Snicker im not even talking
Snicker im not even talking about my ss or my dh. Im talking in general. What happenes tomorrow night i know my dh has my backregardless b/c i know he wont stand for ss16 spewing crap or ddisrespect me.
I was talking in general as i have seen too many times on here where sm just ignores the fact that there dh just lets his family and kids disrepect sm and says nothing or agrees to keep the peace. And to the point that sm ' disengages' so she doesnt have to hear it. However at the same time i get that you cant control other people but dh still goes with out his wife and doesnt say that if you dont stop i dont come and if sm is not invited then neither am i.
Thats what i cant put up with and never will. Sure they can have their opinion just doesnt mean we as in husband and wife have to be around them if they are asked to keep it to themselves and they dont!
I get that however in the end
I get that however in the end if dh doesnt tell his kids and/or family to keep there opinion to themselves he is still disrespecting his wife and therefore doesnt love or repect her they way he should! Bottom line!
Im in no way saying that dh cant see his kids or his family butif he doesnt stand up for his wife and tell them to keep it to themselves then no that man doesnt deserve that woman.
I think that crossing bridges
I think that crossing bridges before you come to them, and stressing out about imagined elaborate scenarios in which ss16 bad mouths you, and DH does not respond as you would wish, is pretty much the opposite of disengaging.
Having said that it is totally something that I would do. Disengaging is hard hard work, especially if you've previously put a lot of effort into your relationship with Skids. It's hard to wave goodbye to effort you've put in and give up on expecting to get something back, it's hard to live cheek by jowl with Skids and try to ignore behaviour which grates, it's hard to watch DH continue to put effort into his relationship with people who don't love and respect you as you would wish. Sometimes disengaging is as much hard work as engaging.
SS could have a minor hump about something, or this may be the end of his relationship with you, who knows, and with a teenager it may be completely irrational anyway. Teens are selfish and other peoples feelings are far from their highest priority. My SS15 never bitches to DH about me, he just refuses to see me, or explain why, or visit our home, or have a relationship with his 3 half siblings. He sees Dh once a week. I can't say that's a great scenario either. For a long time it felt like a betrayal that DH was seemingly supporting SS in boycotting our home, but it's unrealistic to expect him to cut off his relationship with his son because SS doesn't like his stepmother. For my own benefit I have had to try and let go of the anger and resentment because the only person I was hurting was myself. In letting myself get upset about SS15 or letting it come between DH and I, I was only letting him succeed in causing hurt and avenging whatever unfairness he believes I perpetrated on him. That's not to say that I don't sometimes fall prey to those feelings, but disengaging is like being a recovering addict, you have to take it one day at a time. If you really want to disengage you'll have to take a deep breath and try not to brood about what ss16 is thinking and what he's going to say and what DH is going to do, and focus on you and DH. But I know it's hard.
I have just recently gotten
I have just recently gotten into disengaging. But I choose what I want to disengage from. Lately I have been looking at things differently. If a situation that continues to irritate me, I disconnect from it. Such as church, I become extremely irritated by DH not parenting the skids when we are there. So after last weekend, I decided I will not attend church with them. I have a choice of 3 church services each weekend and I will not attend the one they go to.
As far as trusting DH to tell the skids to respect me, he doesn't now. But I do tell the skids when they are disrespectful. For instance, we used to sit and play board games, but they would burp and fart, not say excuse me...nothing. DH now asks me why don't I play board games with him and the skids, I remind him that I don't agree with his parenting, they are being disrespectful and I choose not to be treated that way.
Do I love my DH any less? No. But he is learning where my boundaries are and that I love him but I love myself more
Bojangles this wasnt and isnt
Bojangles this wasnt and isnt about me ir my ss and dh. It was ad is about posts ive seen here where sms know there dh family and skidsbare spewing vile things about sm and or doing nasty things to her such as sm is not invited to in laws homes or skids refuse to be around sm.
And dh refuses to stand up for his wife and tell thwm to shut tje hell up and if his wife is not welcome then.neither is he.
Why is people assumimg im talking about my life . I am not. I thought of this after i read a blo of a poster who said she is disengaged but knows her dh family and step kiss talk shit but her dh says nothing and sometimes agrees. That is not a marraige!!!
Yeah, at one point I was
Yeah, at one point I was trying to totally disengage. I had DH take SD16 clothes shopping. Normally I would do it. Apparantly she spent the entire time trash talking me and DD10. He said he yelled at her but she poisons his mind and we end up in a fight. So I stepped back in doing those things. I just don't tell her to do homework or clean her room. If she wants to know if she can do something thats more than going to a friends house or the mall I tell her to ask him. But as far as having to take her out to do things or get things, I am back on it!! Those two being alone together does me no favors at all!!