this got burried last night but did I have a huge realiation
Wow I was talking to my friend today when we started talking about the DNA test. Then my friend said that my mom should pay for the test b/c she made this mess and should be responsible for what she did. then it hit me I did subconsciously think it would be nice if bio dad helped pay for the test. I automatically thought that he owed me at least that right? Wow how cold not see that my mom is the one that owed me at least that.
What does that say about our secioty? For someone to be wherebi.am and still auto go to dad owes? Yikes at least this opened my eyes.
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I think mom should pay since
I think mom should pay since she created the mess. He didn't know.
exactly. i just thought how
exactly. i just thought how could I being where I am as a stepmom and learned all i have learned that I still auto went to dad owes. ugh I am very disappointed in myself for that. Biodad is a victim just as I am as he had no idea. I could tell that if mom had just told him he would have been in my life. Of course I do know mom would have been the bm from hell too. But I still went to dad owes me. I am so glad my friend said what she said so that I wont have anymore crap in my head that i need too.
Your father lost any
Your father lost any opportunity to see his child. He is a victim. Your mother for whatever reason, fear of losing her baby, punishing your dad, whatever, made a bad decision that cost you and your father a lot of years together. You are an adult now. No one owes you anything. If you want the DNA test, you pay for it. If your father wants it, he pays for it, if you and your dad want it, both of you pay. Heck if all three of you want it, all three of you pay. But your an adult, living your own life. No one owes you anything, except perhaps your mother owes you an apology and an explanation.
emotional that was my point
emotional that was my point and the fact I went straight to dad owes me. I agree with you. I didnt realize that i subconiotously (I cant spell) went straight to dad owes me. I really upset me that I auto went there. im disappointed in myself for that. I shouldnt have even had that thought in my head but i did nd didnt even realize it til my friend said something. the knock upside my head I needed. lol
That attitude I suspect would
That attitude I suspect would have more to do with anger, misplaced anger, but you had a right to be angry. I think your initial response was understandable,. I imagine you were too caught up in the emotional side of this to be analytical about it. Your friend wasn't emotionally involved, she was able to,see the situation more clearly. So I disagree when you say you shouldn't have had that thought. I think it was a fairly normal reaction. There is only a problem with that when you continue to blame the parent who wasn't around for something he had no control over. Your not doing that. Okay you needed someone to point it out, but I think again given the emotion for you in this, that's reasonable. But once it was pointed out to you, you actually took a calm and rational approach to it. You realised your anger shouldn't be directed at your dad. A lot of people would still stay stuck in the anger, woe is me emotion, but you haven't. I think that moving past that as you have will allow you and your dad to have a great relationship. Your mum I do believe does owe you an apology and an explanation. But maybe at the time she honestly believed she was doing the right thing. The father you know today may have been a very different man back then. Who knows. Maybe she was selfish or spiteful. But whatever her reasons, we all do dumb things. I hope you can hate what she did without hating her and that you can do what's best for you, have a great adult relationship with both parents. It would appear that you are capable of doing that.
Thank you I needed that. I am
Thank you I needed that. I am trying so hard to be an adult about all this and he trying to not step on anyone's toes.