I want to avoid being a Disney BM myself so some advice, please
BS14 has a very tight group of friends that he just got this school year when we moved schools. They all like to do sleepovers at one of the houses (not mine). I hardly know anything about these kids and families and DH, ExH, and I are/were concerned about what they do. To us it sounded like it was pretty loose. The kids decided to play monster pong (beer pong but with that sugary caffeine drink) one of the times. BSs phone had a link to an almost porno you tube video after one of the nights. (I check.) He's also a waste the next day. He's sullen enough as a fully-slept teen, he's sometimes a downright shit after a night of no sleep...they stay up...even run around the neighborhood there at night.
I found out one of the kids is a friend of his from long ago. I know the mom so I called her. She gave me a lot of great info about the family where the kids always stay. Seems that the dad loves having the kids over and makes home cooked meals for them, does the Jewish sunset service with them if it's a Friday. He does let the kids roam after curfew and that bothers me. I did ask this friends mom about how she felt about that and the non-sleeping sleepover. She's fine with it. They live two doors from this other house and she knows them well. She said its safe and the police there just tell the kids to go home. The kids aren't being destructive, but playing flashlight tag and ghosts in the graveyard.
I feel better but am still not 100% comfortable with it. ExH has been talking to BS but not laying out how he (ExH) feels about the overnights...we both are tired of the attitude BS has the next day. And we're getting a lot of "I'm responsible and mature and can handle it" from him but he's not getting things done we ask him to do. On that front I don't know if I'm being too controlling and need to give him longer to get something done.
I did hear last night from others that their kids (same age or older) are the same way.
Do I need to relax? Am I too worried about what goes on?
This is where I'm at: I don't want to be but I'm gonna have to be the one who ends up not letting him go if he hasn't done his responsibilities beforehand or not let him do the next one if he can't be a human afterward. DH wants me to lay down the law (cause it's not his kid), and ExH wants to be subtle.
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Why not make a point of
Why not make a point of meeting the family your son is staying with? Just call or ask to visit with them so you can be an active parent? Let them know things you will not tolerate .. "Do the boys drink when they are here? At all? So no one sneaks in alcohol? And no girls, right?"
You cannot sit back and just believe a friend. Imagine the WCS (Worst Case Scenario). Your son is caught drunk in the streets taking out mail boxes while stark naked. OK not the worse but still.... And the media turn up on your doorstep and your response to their inevitable questioning if you knew where you son was would be...?
You are his parent, not your friend. And let Mr 14 know that if he overnights at his friends place he is expected to do his chores when he gets home within 24 hrs. The house will not be quiet while he sleeps it off and he must be home by 9am. Lay down the rules now. Because you will not be able to reign him in in 2 yrs time with this kind of freedom.
I did confirm that the dad
I did confirm that the dad pays closer attention than I thought and that there is nothing more going on (girls/alcohol). We did already have a long diatribe about doing things that are like worse things (monster pong be beer pong) and that it's stupid and might lead to the next step. I'll still be careful and watchful but not cut him off.
Thank you for all the
Thank you for all the comments. I'm thinking I need to relax a little about the up-all-night-over but lay down the law about chores before and after the event.
How often are these
How often are these sleepovers? Somehow I got it in my head they are almost every week but looking back I don't think you actually said that. My hallucination.
In any case, I would never allow it more than every 2 months or so and only on non-school nights.
I would also reciprocate the invitation by inviting that family over for barbecue or whatever. I would want to know the parents. I would also want to know the other kids, have them over for various activities. Maybe not the all nighters if you're not up to host that kind of chaos. But afternoon of swimming or minecraft, whatever, bowling with the fam. I would not want my kid to always be the guest and I would not want his posse to be strangers to me. If he stays overnight anywhere I meet the parents. That's how I would handle it.
Thank you ladies! Just got
Thank you ladies! Just got off the phone with ExH.
This is the deal this time since BS wants to prove he's responsible:
1. He does the two things he didn't do (but he agreed to do) here before he gets to go. Because responsible people fulfill their obligations.
2. He will be going to his tennis camp bright and early the next morning. Because responsible people fulfill their obligations.
Mine is the first, ExH is adamant about the second. BS has to keep being responsible in order to keep doing these.
For those wondering, it's a once a month thing during school, maybe. Not sure if it will be more frequent given its summer.
I've made a batch of cookies to bring since I feel badly about the dad feeding them all the time, and it gives me the in I need to talk to him.
I like the cookies. Great
I like the cookies. Great idea! Give us an update when the time is right.
I'm not a fan of sleepovers,
I'm not a fan of sleepovers, never have been. I don't trust anyone around my kids, much less people I don't know. It's just the way I was brought up and the way I brought up my kids. If my kids wanted sleepovers, the friends could come to our house, where I KNEW what was happening. It's an awful way to think but I'm just really paranoid that way.
However, I can tell you that most kids don't get any sleep during sleepovers so that's probably why your kid is a crabby patty the next day.