Just a vent
It irks the Hell outta me that Stepdevil14 is allowed to get away with the shit she does. I can't say really anything to DH because it's badmouthing her (which bothers him, obviously) but shit, I have to get it out somehere!
To be more specific:
1. She has her mother (and mom's boyfriend apparently) wrapped around her pinkie finger and is allowed to basically have or do whatever she wants without accountability and consequences
2. DH's dad will go so far as to indulge her by picking her up a few hours prior to the birthday party that was held at his house just because she didn't want to come to the party knowing DH and I would be there
3. She makes shit up and calls it a "misunderstanding" (i.e. refused to come over for visitation anymore last summer because she claims her dad called her a "slut" and a "whore" which in reality he'd said the girls in high school could POSSIBLY give her a poor reputation and call her such names if she continued to behave in an inappropriate manner with boys).
4. She lies about me and DH to avoid having to see us, spend time with DH or to make us look bad
5. DH STILL texts her every few days with "I love you" and "I miss you" and it grinds me how he chases after her like a little teenage boy. He doesn't realize that with her, she is sitting back with a huge shit-eating grin on her face thinking "God, I'm soooooo important that he's begging me for my love and attention" and he's feeding into her already huge ego
6. She eats like a fucking horse and then complains about kids at school calling her fat (or lies saying DH and I called her fat) and then claims she's "bulimic" when there's NO evidence of such
7. She believes her mother's every word even after it's PROVEN to her in black and white (or even her mother's own words) that it's not true.
8. She treats her father like shit and blames everything that has ever gone wrong in her life on him, when all he wants to do is spend time with her and love her
9. She acts like she likes me to my face but then tells everyone that she hates me, I'm mean to her, I call her names, I make fun of her, etc. Lied to her therapist saying I cut all communication with her breaking down our "bonding" when really it was her MOTHER that said I wasn't allowed to contact her in any way.
10. Just thinking that she holds so much power over DH and there's really not much he can do about it. He seems to think that when BM puts precious princess back into counseling, she'll ask him to come along to help heal their relationship. The one that SHE refuses to have with him. To see him hold out this hope and know that he'll just be rejected again - it bothers me. Dealing with the last fallout from this little manipulative bitch and seeing my husband to the brink of losing his shit over her...he says he won't allow himself to get that low again but I have my doubts.
And to be fair - I did something I absolutely HATE. I turned into "Disney mom" while my DD15 was here. Pretty much killing what little savings we had left in the bank by driving her all over the place and eating out all the time because she gets none of that at home. Why do *I* feel obligated to make up for her father's shortcomings? Why do I feel pressured to entertain her while she's here when I'd be LIVID if DH did that with stepdevil?
I'm angry with him for thinking his daughter has a shred of decency or kind thought left in her for him and I'm angry with her for hurting him the way she continues to do and getting fawned over by his dad, brother and sis in law.
I'm angry with my own daughter for not being more appreciative of the fact that I bend over fucking backwards to make her time here enjoyable and I'm angry with myself for not sticking to my original thought of "I send her father $500 per month to provide her clothing and such so why should I have to buy shit for her all the time?", but I ended up buying her an outfit while she was here because the ONLY pair of jeans she has had holes in the crotch area and I couldn't stand to see her wearing them.
Ok, rant over. Feels better just getting it out.
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Comments
She did and I know he'll let
She did and I know he'll let her get down to holy clothes because my mom used to pick her up once a month and take her shopping and she'd go through DD's room and tell me how she was down to 4 tshirts, 5 pairs of panties, no matching socks, etc.
Her friends have texted me asking me to send conditioner for her hair and tampons because her dad wasn't buying them and they were giving her theirs.
And the jeans that had holes in the crotch? Well, guess where she got them from? Me, last summer.
Wow just wow... I'd be
Wow :jawdrop: just wow... I'd be hacked off too. But don't buy into the guilt over your dd. You had fun and you made the most of your time together. You're a good mom. Now go repeat that to yourself tip you believe it. NO GUILT!
Thanks princess, but I know
Thanks princess, but I know I'm playing guilty mom. I feel so bad that her dad ignores her, his girlfriend doesn't want her there, they never show her attention or affection, so when I have her I try to overcompensate. I still feel guilt over putting her through hell with my ex and moving her around so much that she basically left me for her dad's because he was stable.
I am that guilty mom. Or at least I was. Now I see that since she is CHOOSING to stay with her dad and deal with being treated like a 2nd class citizen and going without - I shouldn't HAVE to feel obligated to make up for his shortcomings.
Her last day here I asked her if she was still considering moving here. She said, "Dad and his gf have changed and are treating me WAY better so I think I'll give them another chance. It's only a few more years until I graduate and I'd hate to have to move again and leave my friends and start all over again, but thanks for the offer".
Ok, well, now I know that she's CHOOSING that life when she KNOWS she'd have it better with my DH and I. So now, she deals with the consequences of that choice. She deals with not having the things she should because I can't keep forking out more money and more money above and beyond the $500 per month CS I pay her dad just so she has decent clothes to wear!
And I can't keep draining our bank account to show her a good time just because at home she's not allowed to do anything or her dad is too lazy or selfish to take her anywhere.
It is what it is, Red like
It is what it is, Red like you said. But hang in there. I think your feelings are understandable, if it helps.
Thanks again. Yes, it is
Thanks again. Yes, it is what it is. I'm over it today. I was trying to be in a good mood, with the sun shining and the warmer temps (30 degrees! wooooo). But yeah, after kinda getting into it with DH a bit about SD and then thinking about DD and how she hasn't even contacted me since she left here after all I did for her...FUCK.
Anyhow, I have to keep telling myself that in a few years, this will all be behind us. At least being broke because of paying over a grand a month in combined CS, plus visitation and having to deal with our exes...yes! FREEDOM!
Thanks, it most certainly WAS
Thanks, it most certainly WAS the hardest thing I have done. Letting her go like that. But I knew I was in a rough place and didn't want her to suffer any longer. And yes, our relationship is great otherwise and she's mostly happy and well adjusted as well. She was only unhappy due to her father being an ass for so long and wanted to move and as soon as she told him, well he became Mr. Wonderful. He did the same to me throughout our marriage, so I don't think it'll last, but for her sake I hope it does.
Yeah I can't buy her anything more. I'm already taking her to Warped Tour this summer and she's talking about cutting summer visitation short since she really has no friends and nothing to do while DH and I work all day. I get that. Next year will be different if her dad allows her to get her license at 16. Then she'll be able to drive and do more while she's here.
You are in a tough spot and I
You are in a tough spot and I know you have to be a little hurt and disappointed that your daughter is choosing to give them another chance- I know I would be. And, Just bc you got her 1 outfit and pay alot for child support does not make you guilty mom
It's just an outfit- not a wardrobe
Hang in there, you will get through it
Yeah, I was hurt and
Yeah, I was hurt and disappointed initially but I'm at peace with her decision. I'm also realizing that I don't have to make up for it anymore now though.
Thanks for your support! I truly love all of you here!
*hugs* Redwings I don't think
*hugs* Redwings
I don't think buying your daughter ONE outfit because the pants she had had holes in them makes you a disney mom.
I know you were trying to think of a way to get custody of your DD, but maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Just imagine if your DD had said she couldn't stand living with her dad and step mom and to please fight for custody of her. You'd have to scrap together the money to fight your ex in court for custody. You'd be sick with worry, thinking about how miserable your DD is. While DD may not have everything she needs, at least you have your mom to check in on her and take her shopping.
Try not to let the fact that she didn't call you get to you. I have to get on my DD14 about calling her grandmother on her dad's side and calling my dad. I think it's something about being a teenager.
Thanks Amber - I agree with
Thanks Amber - I agree with you, which is why I'm at peace with her decision. I believe everything happens for a reason and her making the decision to stay there will hopefully be the right one for her.
I was worried about how I was going to fight ex in court being so far away, where we'd get the money for an attorney, getting a suitable place in a good school district, taking on my dog and her cat, etc. Especially now that DH's CS payment more than doubled.
So I'm at peace with her staying there as long as she's happy but yeah, I just can't break the bank buying her a bunch of stuff when I send her father money to do just that. The fun stuff like the hockey game and eating out, well, I don't consider that in this. Just clothes. I bought her $200 worth of clothes at christmas and I usually spend that much or more every summer on clothes for her because she comes to Colorado wearing what I previously bought the year before!
I'll try calling after work and if she's not around, I'll wait for her to pick up the phone. I will not chase her like DH does SD.
"I was worried about how I
"I was worried about how I was going to fight ex in court being so far away, where we'd get the money for an attorney, getting a suitable place in a good school district, taking on my dog and her cat, etc. Especially now that DH's CS payment more than doubled."
See, all that aggravation and there was no guarantee you'd win a custody battle. In a way your daughter just did you a favor.
Don't worry, if you REALLY get to missing a 14 year old kid, I'd be glad to send my D14 to ya for a couple of weeks!!
Yeah I know. I always get
Yeah I know. I always get ahead of myself and I figured if I could get DD15 to move here, I would somehow be able to redeem myself in her eyes. What I missed is that she's already forgiven me for the ex and has moved on from the past. It's me that is still feeling the guilt!
And I don't ever MISS the teenager part of her - just her. She's really a great girl and DH just adores her (as well as she does him). It's great to see the two of them hanging out together and it makes me feel even worse for Dh because his own daughter is only 6 mos younger, lives 5 miles away and he hasn't seen her in months. She won't talk to him either. Disgusting.
well Reds I think you need to
well Reds I think you need to seperate the two.
I know you send child support every month however you miss out on shopping with her, hair cuts, mani's and pedi's. ect. All the thinks a Mom shares with her child.
She is not there all the time, she is not there once a month she is with you once a year.
If hubby was going to get a pedi and took SD with him for her to get one too. Id have no problem with that.
However if he is taking SD for a pedi and sitting in the front of the nail shop waiting for her? Yeah there is a difference.
I understand about the heart break of your husband, it is something I can relate to as well as my daughters. When SD's moved out of state, my DH was destroyed.It was My dd's and myself that slowly pieced him back together.
For three year his birthday came and went with know acknowledged, Christmas, he ws told he was hated and she never wanted to speak to him again and then went months with out calling.
I cant stand it it makes me nuts that they (BM SD17 and SD13) break his heart and treat him like shit constantly. And me and my DD's who arent even his kids have to put him back together. Yet with SD there, he and my DD's really dont have a relationship anymore.
DD14 said the other day, why do we have to keep putting him back together when he cant bother to love us when SD is around.
MY answer: it is what we do for the people we love....although I wont tell you DD's response...hehehehe
Yeah I get your point. My
Yeah I get your point. My point is that her father NEVER gives her stuff, even after I send the CS every month and just counts on my mother and I to buy her makeup, clothing, hair stuff, etc. If he would provide this for her, I wouldn't feel badly at all about picking her up something extra.
She only comes here once a year for summer, but I pay for her travel for spring break and christmas, plus I pay for a lot of extras throughout the year. Her dad just provides a roof and food. Pretty much that's ALL he does for her. She's lucky if he gets her anything extra at all. She's never had a mani/pedi except with me. He doesn't buy her nail polish, conditioner for her very thick hair, makeup - nothing.
I can't stand the heartbreak of my husband. Yes, he helped create this monster by spoiling her rotten, putting her in the position of control she's had for so long and never disciplining her - but so did BM and she IDOLIZES that woman. I just don't understand how she can treat her dad (who finally DID stand up to her and say NO) this way. Oh, maybe because BM continues to treat her like she hung the moon, can do no wrong and has zero rules or consequences for her behavior!
Red, you are a great mom!
Red, you are a great mom! You took your daughter's happiness into consideration when she went to live with her dad. It's tough, but you know that she is ok.
CS is to pay for your half of raising your child. You are doing your half, dear ol dad needs to do his half. I know that you want to do the extras for her and you will if you can, but guilt shouldn't be part of that.
Thanks Trying - I appreciate
Thanks Trying - I appreciate that.
Dad provides a roof and food and he thinks that's enough. Drives me crazy when she comes to my place every summer wearing the same clothes *I* bought her the summer before and they're too small, holey or out of style. He always claims to be broke but he has a brand new 60" flat screen TV, an Xbox 360 with games, a Kindle, an Ipad and an Iphone...I have NONE of that shit and DD still goes without!
I feel for you! BM receives
I feel for you!
BM receives CS, doesn't ever spends a dime on those kids. We get the calls and texts about skids needing jeans, sneakers, etc. We do it for the skids, they shouldn't suffer without bc their mom is a POS. The newest ploy is that if they want to do something fun, BM tells them to have dad bring them. SSstb10 told DH that they needed cable and internet and that DH should pay for it. :jawdrop:
I just want her to step up and do SOMETHING for these kids.
So frustrating isn't it?
So frustrating isn't it? Drives me insane. I hate seeing DD15 wearing clothes that have holes or are too small or falling apart, but shit, he really needs to step up and take care of her better!
^^I hear ya. I told him
^^I hear ya. I told him today I'm completely disengaging from everything BM and SD related. I don't care what happens anymore. I'm washing my hands of it. I told him if he needed to vent about her, fine, but I won't open my mouth (We'll see how long this really lasts though!).
I think I'll bring that up
I think I'll bring that up when the time comes too. He knows I suffer the fallout of his moods and he's great when DD15 is in town, but since his meeting with BM and her lawyer happened to fall on one of the days DD was here - she definitely felt the aftermath of it. She even took me aside and said "Maybe he needs to be alone for a while, because he's CLEARLY not in a good mood".
I don't think he knows how bad she controls his emotions either and that's why I really get sick of him chasing her around. He may think that her silence and ignoring him doesn't affect him, but it most certainly does.
Thanks for sharing that with me, Rising. I will definitely talk to him about it when the time comes.
Red, I know you dont want
Red, I know you dont want your girl to do with out-but iMO this is an issue she needs to work out with her dad. You cant be sending her toiletries, your mom cant buy her toiletries every month, your dd needs to go to him and let him know these are necessities-especially since she is choosing to stay there. It must not be that bad, ya know? As long as you or your mom do it, then your ex nor your daughter are going to communicate and try to resolve this issue-but just keep relying on you guys to do it.
Hismineandours - we don't do
Hismineandours - we don't do that anymore. My mom pretty much fucked DD and I over this past Christmas and neither of us have heard from her since, but yes, she'd go and pick up DD once a month and have her for the weekend. During that weekend, she'd buy her a couple of outfits, shampoo, conditioner, lotion, makeup. Ex husband never had to buy that stuff - he'd just wait till my mom came back.
I never sent her toiletries, but her friends texted me asking me to. That's when I got on the phone with her dad and said I don't send you $500 per month for my daughter to be begging her friends for tampons, fucking buy them for her. He claimed his gf said she was going to run to the store after work and "forgot". I told DD next time it's "forgotten", just BLEED all over the sofa! Maybe then they'll remember!
I admire your honesty in
I admire your honesty in talking about your Disney Mum experience. I suppose the urge to spoil your child when you don't get to see her as much as you would like is an interesting insight into why so many non custodial Dad's do the same thing. I wouldn't take it too much to heart that DD didn't call after she left, even the best teens tend to be self involved and its just teen thoughtlessness. She's probably still coasting happily after her trip to you.
As for her Dad, either he's not as bad as he's painted, or it doesn't actually bother DD that much. My SD17 was making holes in her jeans on purpose at that age! The bit where you say you "feel so bad that her dad ignores her, his girlfriend doesn't want her there, they never show her attention or affection", do you think this is the story that SD is giving her mother and that DD might be distorting things also?
Yeah I'm angry with myself
Yeah I'm angry with myself for doing what I did after I'd told DH that I wasn't going to be buying her clothes and makeup and things her dad should be buying. But she tried the pants on and was just SO happy. The holes were in the crotch area of her old jeans and I knew they were the ones I gave her last summer. I verified with one of her friends that she indeed only tended to wear either those same jeans or yoga pants all the time.
He really is one of those non touchy-feely types. I went to high school with him and was married to him for more than 13 years. He did the same to me. Would ignore me, walk right past me, didn't give two shits about anything but himself. Only when it would get so bad that I'd threaten to leave his ass would he change and then that would be short-lived. And the girlfriend doesn't want DD there. She's told me herself in a facebook message that she couldn't WAIT until her adult son moved out and DD was on her own so she could have her house to herself.
As for SD14, I know she lies like crazy. I've caught her, DH has caught her and even BM caught her during their meeting with her attorney last week. She's told BM (this came up in their meeting with her lawyer) that "daddy doesn't love me, he and mel are mean to me, they ignore me, they yell at me and call me names like "fat" and make fun of my poor spelling and math skills". NONE of which are true and DH told BM and her attorney just that.
The lie that BM discovered last week in their meeting was when DH brought up that SD was bragging about a very expensive gift that BM's boyfriend supposedly gave her. BM said "That's bullshit, because *I* gave her that for her birthday". DH said "well, then now you know our daughter does lie"...
That's a very interesting
That's a very interesting lie. She is behaving as though BM's boyfriend and DH were suitors vying for her attention. She's a little girl playing a very dangerous game. Sounds like what she really wants is to feel like she's her Dad's No 1 again, but instead she's pushing him away.
I know it must be hard to see DH sending off texts to her and continuing to be rejected, but ultimately he's behaving like an adult and maintaining the high ground. He doesn't want to engage in a tit for tat you ignore me so i'll ignore you game, he's trying to be a stable loving presence in her life, and whether she knows it or not that is important for her. At the end of the day she's just a misguided child, who unfortunately has tremendous power to hurt. But he's making it a lot harder for her to turn around in 5 years time and say 'you didn't care, you just let me go' and ultimately that will hopefully be some comfort to him.
She's always been that way.
She's always been that way. She was his mini wife before I came along. Held his hand in a lover's hand hold, sat on his lap everywhere, tried spooning with him, cuddled constantly, freaked out if he left the room even to go to the bathroom! She acted like she was his number one girl and when I came into the picture was fine with me until she realized it was turning serious between her dad and I and I was going to be sticking around for the long haul.
I think by telling DH that the expensive gift was given by mom's boyfriend, instead of mom, she was trying to make DH jealous and feel like she'd replaced him as her father. Mom encouraged that behavior and even took it upon herself to change the #2 contact from DH to her boyfriend for stepdevil's school, and even took DH off the authorized pick up list in case of emergencies, naming her boyfriend as sole person other than herself.
It is hard to see it but you know what I've realized after yesterday and last night's talk with DH? I'm just going to disengage and let him handle her any way he sees fit. I'm done worrying about his mental status (he's a grown man and has assured me if he starts slipping into a deep depression like he did a few months ago he'll seek professional help). If he chooses to feed into her ego by texting her how much he misses and loves her and begging for her affection and attention, that's on him. He helped create this little monster and if he wants to enable her - well, that's his problem. I'm done talking to him about it or saying a word. He's on his own!
RedWingsFan, You say you are
RedWingsFan,
You say you are a Disney parent but you also talk about how well adjusted your daughter is, and how she gets along with DH. Hardly one of the entitled princesses we see on this site.
If my SS was still living with BM he would totally have been neglected. No dental care, dr,s appts, holes in shoes, etc.
And as frustrating as it may have been, I don't think I could put up a fight on my SO spending extra money to make up for BM's neglect. I couldn't stand by knowing the kid went to school with holes in his shoes. I don't think the kid should suffer. I'd feel guilty and he's not even my kid. Of course I would also feel resentful at the same time, but I would understand.
We have SS almost year round so that's not an issue.
Onefoot, I had a Disney mom
Onefoot,
I had a Disney mom moment during spring break, yes. I normally am not the type, but I can't stand to see her go without. I've felt guilty for putting her through Hell with my ex, moving us around and all and then when she couldn't take being the new girl in yet another school, allowed her to move to Michigan to be with her dad full time. I think this spring break I was just in full "GUILT" mode seeing the holes in the crotch of her jeans, the ones *I* gave her last year.
She is very well adjusted and has been through a lot. She and DH LOVE each other and get along great, yes. She's not an entitled princess at all, but if she lived with me full time, she'd definitely not want for anything, especially basic necessities. She was SO happy to discover I bought her a new toothbrush (said she hadn't had a new one in as long as she could remember) and the new jeans that way she wouldn't have to worry about sitting wrong and showing her panties.
DD15 went for months telling her dad she needed to see a doctor because of certain "female" issues. Turns out it was a yeast infection. I bought her OTC meds when I was home during Christmas because she was too embarrassed to tell him too many details and he said he was "in between" insurances at the time and couldn't afford to take her to the doc. He's court ordered to supply health insurance at all times. She doesn't like to cause hardships on anyone and he's ALWAYS saying how broke he is, yet he has all the toys and his girlfriend has a new Jeep that my CS pays for.
I feel really sorry for her and angry at my ex for not providing her basics using the support money I send him every month. Since my mom and I were always buying DD stuff, he figured he didn't have to and so allowed his gf to buy her new Jeep. Now that mom and I don't talk and she's not visiting DD anymore, he's realizing that he's not getting that extra monetary help with regards to buying DD basics and claims his gf "forgot" to go to the store. DD isn't a complainer so she won't complain to him about having to use HAND soap in the shower for weeks, but instead asks her friends to give her stuff and then they contact me. Not that I'd let her go without, but now that I know that I've offered her to move here after she expressed her unhappiness in MI and she's CHOOSING to stay there, am less inclined to feel so bad. She feels he's changed and things are better, but I believe that's going to be short-lived, since he'd done the same to me throughout our marriage.
I think that's why I feel bad about buying her the outfit and makeup. I had just told DH and myself that I wasn't going to anymore, her DAD needs to step up and start spending MY money on her.
As far as SD goes, if we had her full time I would've shot myself in the head by now.
*hugs*.....
*hugs*.....
I remember when my SD21 was
I remember when my SD21 was failing junior high and we wanted to bring her here for more structure and stability, BM said no, because SD didn't want to leave her friends too.
Well of course she is not friends with any of them anymore, for a long time!!! And continued to skip class, fail all the way thru HS, so now had to take remedial classes at community college and pay for it . . Completely wasting everyones time and money!!! But no, I am evil for pointing out that she couldn't read or spell.??
So to me, the only friend SD couldn't leave, was BM!!! Ok just had to get that out.!!
I hear ya Most Evil. I told
I hear ya Most Evil. I told DH a long time ago after stepdevil14 lied again about me, making me out to be some horrific person that I couldn't ever share a home with her full time. It was always his choice to have her and now that she's making that impossible by being such a nasty bitch to him, it gives me some relief knowing I don't have to share space or time with her.
That's my only relief in all of this!